why?

Why do I fucking do this to myself? Why do I insist on picking at a wound that has been doing a good job healing on it's own and pretty much done healing? I figured to help the healing I would delete his old emails. There were a few I wanted to keep, like the ones telling me my strengths and postives when I was having a bad day, or a silly email about a topless photo of myself being bad for my image if I ever ran for public office.

But in the course of scanning over these emails, I saw the evolution of our relationship of 9 months condensed into 1.5 hours of reading. I went from being very guarded and reserved to open in telling him the feelings I had for him. Then a few awkward emails about the demise of our romantic relationship. Maybe this can work. My emails seemed to border on the desperate and foolish. It hurt to read through them. I re-lived it and wished I hadn't.

But I felt I needed to delete those emails. The pain of deleting them will never be as bad as the pain of keeping them. Reminding me of what was, making me dream about what could have been, tempting me with the possibility of a reunion.

But I know that would be the biggest mistake. I know he doesn't want me as a girlfriend anymore. I've met Scott and things are going nicely between us. What me and Scott have is at a fragile and precious place right now and nothing will make me put that on the line.

I wish now that I had deleted everything without reading through it. But I doubt I'll ever regret deleting them.

Thanksgiving

I went home Thursday for Thanksgiving. Just stayed the day and came back that night. Mom and dad wanted me to stay the whole weekend, but I knew I couldn't handle it. Plus I had a date Friday with a guy in the Navy. I've dated Scott a few other times and he is fun to hang out with. We went to Wichita last week to see a Charles Shultz Peanuts exhibit. It was neat to see how Charlie Brown looked when the strip was new.

Friday I went over in the afternoon and he took me to the base to show me around where he works and the planes he works on. There were a few out there and he opened one up and took me around inside it. I got to sit in the cockpit and fight the urge to push buttons and flip switches. Then we wandered the mall and he bought rats to feed his snake. I had never seen a snake eat so it was cool to watch them bite, constrict and then swallow it. The little pooch in their body moved down several inches to the stomach. Then they curled up and had a nap.

I stayed the night Friday and got up at 5 Saturday morning and we went to Eureka Springs, Arkansas to see the Cosmic Caves near there. It's a 5 hour drive one way. His mother and sister live in the area. He suggested we go there Friday night and stay over, but I wasn't comfortable with that idea. I'm sure his mom is a wonderful person, but meeting her this soon kinda weirded me out. So he nixed that idea and we planned to stay in Eureka Saturday night and leave Sunday morning.

But after seeing the cave and wandering a damn big antique mall we decided to come back here Saturday night. I stayed that night as well. Sunday we had breakfast at IHOP and then went to a metaphysical faire. I bought my brother a small crystal skull for christmas there.

Several vendors there I remember seeing at UEA in Sept and have also visited their shops here in town. One woman cornered us and not only was she a close talker but she had rotting front teeth and her breath was enough to make a vulture gag. Scott slipped past me and went to look at some books leaving me there about to faint from holding my breath.

~*~
In other news, when dad asked me what I wanted for christmas I said 'cash or help with a downpayment on a house' Dad asked me lots of questions about what I want in a house, about what the lender told me, what the buyer's agent told me and decided that I was doing my research and wouldn't be taken advantage of. Mom had very little to say. I finally came out and asked her if she thought this was a bad idea. She said it was my decision to make, she would support what ever decision I made but would otherwise remain neutral on the issue.

The shrink doubled the dosage of my antidepressants a few months ago. They are finally kicking in and I'm feeling better. I'm down to once every 3 or 4 weeks with therapy. Was supposed to go today, but she called me Sunday and said she was sick and couldn't see me and rescheduled for next monday.

prick

I've encountered two pricks this week.

The first was a porcupine in my apt complex. It was dark and I was walking to the laundry room to get my clothes out of the dryer. I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye and thought it was a fat little dog, but something about the shape was weird. I looked again and I realized it was a porcupine. I stopped and when the shock of seeing a porcupine in the city wore off, he/she/it caught a sniff of me when the wind shifted and bristled up. Then just as quick the quills relaxed and it ambled off in the same direction I was headed. I got my clothes and it was still around where I first saw it. So I dashed back to my apt, dropped off the clothes and grabed a little disposable camera. When I found it again, it was rooting in the grass and didn't seem too bothered by the flash of the little camera. It moved casually toward the nearest tree and climbed a foot up then paused, another foot, then paused. I took several pictures from different angles. From what I could tell in the dark (and having never seen a live porcupine) it seemed to have a inquistive cute little face. I left it in the tree and on my way home stopped off at the manager's apt to let her know. Her husband said someone else saw it the day before I did.

The second prick is actually one I work with. A weasle actually. He goes on about how he's worked in the graphics industry and how much he knows, etc, etc. So he and another guy did the borders for the pages of the catalog. When they were done, I placed them and didn't pay much, if any, attention to the margin and bleeds. I figured between them they have enough sense to leave 1/4" since that is pretty much standard with the printers and magazines we advertise in.

The proofs for the first 126 pages I sent in came back this morning. On the sheet it was noted that ALL pages have issues with graphical elements in the margin and at risk for getting cut off when the pages are trimmed. Wonderful. I made a few phone calls, had lunch, thought it over and decided that to pay $34.50 per page in corrections to move a little logo over 1/16th of an inch was silly. I was all for leaving it and taking our chances with the trimming machine.

Weasle Prick keeps asking me what I think we should do. One, that's your job, your my supervisor, two, we're talking over $4000 in corrections. I finally got him to get off his fat lazy ass and we'd go see the the prick's supervisor. Being at the bottom of the totem pole and knowing the effects of gravity and how shit rolls downhill, I was prepared for the lashing I was going to get from not watching the margins. Bigger boss says 'Weasle Prick, how could you let this happen?' Weasle prick says, 'I guess 'cause I'm an incompetant idiot' and blah blah blah, I'm so stupid, it's amazing I'm still employed, and all this other bullshit. Managers love to hear you call yourself an idiot for screwing up, even if it's not your fault.

It was decided that we'd (I'd) only correct the right hand pages and leave the other side to chance since the left side was a bit more within the margin. I thanked bigger boss, told him we'd still be able to make deadline and went back to my desk leaving weasle prick to smooze and ass kiss.

The Road Never Traveled (at least by me)

On the 17th I have an appointment with a buyers agent about houses. I called and said I have no idea where to start. I know kinda what I want in a house, but nothing beyond that. Yesterday I went to the library and returned Unquiet Mind (which I never finished and basically talked about her manic and depressive episodes as the years went by. Yawn.)

I checked out 4 books on home buying. Home Buying for Dummies was at a different library and I would have to request it and wait a few weeks to get.

Catalog is almost done. I sent out 127 pages Thursday. So all that's left are first 16 pages and the cover. Of the 16 pages only 2 of them are uncompleted and those are the table of contents pages. If you ever have to work with or in the publishing industry, they like documents to be in multiples of 4. If you send them a file with 15 pages, it gets their panties in a twist and they'll charge you quite a bit more for the trouble. Last year I was their wet dream as the catalog was in a multiple of 32. (32 pages in a signature so they didn't have to cut a roll of paper).

momma stress

I went home over the weekend. Didn't really want to, but did because mom kept asking me when I was going to be down and that I 'haven't been home since the last weekend in July'

Now I know why I don't go home often.

Me and mom went to the car wash. It was a pretty day and I had two windows down in my car, but it was still a bit too cool to wash using the hose, so we opted for the automatic wash. I put the money in and as I was creeping forward and rolling the windows up at the same time, mom snapped 'you better roll the windows up!' 'That's what I'm doing right now!' I snapped back. 'Now you don't have to be so hateful,' she said. It was a knee jerk reaction, but lately with her the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Her tone of voice was sharp and scolding like I had been caught drawing on the walls. It's like that every time I go home, she finds fault in whatever I do (or don't do) and is critical or scolds me for it. Then when I try to defend myself she accuses me of being hateful or in a nasty mood. This is why I haven't been home, mom. Because I'm tired of your shit.

In therapy Dana said she was crossing my boundries and by not going home, I can keep her at a distance. I don't want to go home for Thanksgiving. But then it wouldn't be fair to Dad or my brother since they aren't involved. Maybe I'll just go down for the day and come back that night. I still have a few weeks to think about it.

it's a dangerous thing...

...paypal is.

As of this morning I had $301 balance on my credit card. Bought gas after work at a damn cheap $1.32 (it's 1.41 across the street from me.) Then I'm online trying to find information on water/rain goddesses when I happened upon the website for Cresent Magazine. And a recent issue is about dance. I could order it from them or visit my local book shop. Since no one around here carries it I went ahead and splurge ordered it. Probably wouldn't have if they only took money orders via postal, but pay pal was accepted and I just recently opened an account there. One click, two click, three click, bought. My paypal account is why I try to stay off of ebay. Thank goodness amazon.com doesn't accept paypal or I'd be in some deep shit. Deep expensive shit.

it's getting cooler here

Yep, it's almost winter. I can feel it. Not in my bones, but my skin. I go through lotion like there's no tomorrow in the winter. I need to clean up the humidifire and get that going since I've been waking up in the middle of the night with hads so dry they hurt and a bloody nose.

I'm as done as I can get on the catalog. I'm waiting for the borders and division pages to be finalized and approved. I told my supervisior (who's making said borders and division pages) that I needed them by Friday. Then I can place the borders, division pages, ads and table of contents by Monday, print it all out Tuesday and correct any big errors. Then Wednesday I can overnight it to the publisher.

Everything so far has progressed smoothly and quickly and I should be able to send off all the pages next Wed, instead of just half as was scheduled.

I hope to take a few days off mid-November to shop for home loans and look at houses. My lease expires Dec 31. I'd rather not rush into buying a house before then. My parents still don't seem all that thrilled or supportive about me getting a house. Mom once suggested renting a house. Renting a 1 bed, 1 bath house=$600 a month. House payment on a 3 bed, 2 bath house=$375-400 a month. Do the math mom. Yes, the first 5 or 6 years you're paying on interest instead of principal, but at least I can paint the walls when I get tired of looking at them.

I'm thinking of going home this weekend since Mom likes to remind me that it's been since the last weekend in June since I've been home and seen dad.

I need to hot tub

Catalog is going pretty good. All that's left on my end is indexing, which I started this afternoon. Should be able to finish up tomorrow on it. I'm cleaning up the index. The previous format sucked. It looked messy and was hard to read. I wanted to do this format from the beginning, but my supervisor at the time said 'no, this is how management wants it.' I didn't bother to ask managment their opinion this time. I've found that if you give the higher-ups a choice, they'll go with the stupid most illogical one everytime.

My Zoloft was bumped up to 200mg the week before last. Don't know if it's doing any good since the side effects that went away are now back. Not as bad or as often, except not being able to sleep.

Have posted some dreams in my dream journal.

Bought a tarot deck, Tarot of the Old Path. Also bought a book called How to be Your Own Herbal Pharmacist. I can't wait to have a house and a little spot for an herb garden.

One of the coolest sites around

Ten owls undoubtedly chased horrified squirrels, terrifying one naive endearing squirrel.

Sit quietly unless I require real emerald lavaliers.

Still alive just tired

I'm still around. Things have been busy at work with the catalog in production now. Things seem to be going along pretty good on it. A minor problem with the PDF files I sent them as a trial was corrected. Worked a bit of overtime this week to get caught up on the other stuff I haven't had time to do. So Friday was spent basically bored at work.

The weather has been wonderfully autumnal.

I bought a sundial ring a few weeks ago. The outside reads 'Forever Timeless' , has the infinity symbol and has a tiny hole through the band. On the inside across from the hole are two rows of numbers. You hold the ring vertically so the hole is a 2 o'clock and point the hole in the direction of the sun. A tiny bead of light will fall on the inside on or between the numbers.

I love rings and buy them, but hardly ever wear them for some reason. But this one I've worn damn near everyday and night since I bought it.

Last weekend I went up to Guthrie to look at a building I saw for sale online. It is a church upstairs with a small apt downstairs for the minister. But this minister was a barber and had a little shop down there as well as a few classrooms. The way the description was written it sounded like it was a house that was converted to a church and could easily be turned back to a house. But it was originally built as a church. They are asking too much for it anyway then to have a few walls put up, kitchen and bathtub installed would be too much.

But I noted the real estate office on the sign and then decided to go to down town Guthrie to antique shop. And who was on the corner but the real estate office and they were open. There was parking right out front (rare on a Saturday) so I stopped in. The guy there was real nice and showed me 3 houses and that church that afternoon.

The church was nixed. Too expensive, too much work to be done built in 1935. The second house reeked of that musty old lady smell. Besides being in desperate need of new carpet it was in good condition. The upstairs was one huge room with windows all the way around and built in 1940. I could easily see it being turned into a sewing room. The living room and dining room was huge. There was wood paneling that had knots in it, but not the kind that has the black vertical lines in it that was popular in the late 60s/early 70s. The agent said people are having that installed in homes now. I think he's full of shit.

The third house was built in 1910. The owner was renovatating it when he moved out of state. He rented it out for a while but then the real estate agent evicted them after 10 months of not paying rent. They trashed the place including tearing out the kitchen cabinets. So the house was in bits and pieces being redone. I saw a lot of potiential in that house. Four bedroom, 1.5 baths, wrap around porch. A back yard big enough for a second house. As much as I love big yards, I did see a mowing headache. Several mature trees.

The owner brought it down from $69,000 to $35,000. Needs a new roof and storm windows now and new siding if not now, then in a few years. The kitchen would have to be finished and the bathroom works so I could live in it while fixing it up. The agent said it would be another $10,000-15,000 to have it worked on then I could turn around and sell it for $75,000. Again, I think he's full of shit, it's gonna be a lot more than that to get it looking good.

The price is negotiable since it's been on the market for at least 6 months. My two concerns are, is it worth $35k and how much will it cost to fix up?

The last house he showed me was a few miles out of town in a residential area where each house sat on at least 2 or 3 acres. This one was built by the owner in 1991. This was the only one that was still occupied. When you stepped inside you were in the livingroom, with the kitchen behind it. The only think that seperated the two was a kitchen island where the sink was. The bedrooms and bathrooms were on either side of the living room. There was no hall to seperate the bedrooms from the rest of the house. So whatever you did in the bathroom or bedroom could be heard in the living room. The doors were cheap and hollow. The woman lived there alone and drew up the floor plans for the house.

It was peaceful out there but I could feel the icky energy when I walked in the house. I almost told the agent that there was disturbed juju in that house, but he had a quiet yet deep faith in Christianity and I didn't want to wig him out.

I drove around in a neighborhood here that I'd like to live in looking for houses for sale. One was being sold by the owner so I called and left a message. She called back the next day and left a message that the house was $130,000! For that tiny house?? She said a deck had been added on in the back, but that still doesn't justify that high of a price, not for that area.

Car fetish

Something I noticed just recently. A rash of car fuckers.

First hidden cams to make sure the babysitter wasn't beating your kids, now you need one for the mechanic.

And this poor schmuck hides his illness behind a 'contest.'

dream journal

I started a dream journal on livejournal. Feel free to check it out if you so desire. Feel free to analize my dreams too. Adventures of a Wandering Mind.

Not much really has been going on. The weather is cool and very fall like. Or as fall as it gets around here. Leaves don't really change here. There's about a 2 week period where the leaves go from dark green to dead. Already some of the oak trees around here have dried up brown leaves on the branches. A few weeks ago some of the cherry trees in the apt complex dropped their fruit and re-bloomed nice and pink.

Went to the gyno again last week. I told her about being on zoloft and going to a therapist for depression. She suggested that I talk to the shrink about adding wellbutrin in addition to the zoloft. She said it will help me get to where I need to be without the serious drowsiness zoloft gives me.

how very curious

I don't own the Genesis cd, Invisible Touch. I like it, but haven't got around to buying it. So I sometimes borrow it. What is it about that cd, that everyone I've borrowed it from, it's scratched so bad that it skips through most of it?

'net withdrawls.

Yes, I'm back online. Finally.

Went to UEA this weekend. Had fun, learned stuff and met some neat people. Some fruitcakes to, but at least they were nice and openminded.

RIP: my old computer

My computer is on its last legs. I hope to get a new one sometime next week.

Saturday (tomorrow) I'm going to Ft. Worth to check out the Egyptian artifacts exhibits at the Kimball Museum.

mental elevator

Sometimes I'm bouncing up and down in my chair, just happy to be. Other times I'm glassy eyed and want only to write a fake note from mom to my boss and crawl into bed for the next three or four years. And lately those two extremes are in the same half hour.

That's exactly what I need right now, to be manic. At least depression was predictable. And not near as expensive. I get paid next friday and I have to make $24.17 last. And between now and then I'll have therapy and a drug refill and at least one grocery run. Mom is coming up tomorrow morning and we're going to Guthrie. That will be good for a tank of gas since I'll insist on driving. She'll treat me to at least 2 meals before she goes back home. A part of me wants to ask for money, rationalizing that I've only asked for money once in the 10 years I've been on my own. Another part says no, I'm 28, employed and responsible and if I do, it's akin to moving back home with a dead-beat boyfriend in tow.

I have deleted what I just typed since it further explains and complains about my finances. I won't depress or continue to bore you.

wwhhhhhhaaa, wwhhhhhhaaa

tunk, tunk, tunk, is this thing on?

Yeppers, I redesigned. And if you stopped by earlier and found the place chaotic and blue, I'm very very sorry, and I won't let it happen again.

Let me know what you think. (hopefully the comments link is working, not sure about the notify list thingy though). Or email me surfacetension@yahoo.com

more thoughts

Elvis sang a song called Kentucky Rain about his search in bad weather for his girlfriend who slipped out on him. Then Neil Diamond has his song called Kentucky Woman about how beautiful and wonderful this one chick is. Are they singing about the same woman? Did she get fed up with the fat bloated Elvis and hitch a ride over the mountains to Neil and his glittery shirts and receding hairline?

...and why isn't the Trix rabbit on the box of Cocoa Puffs?

blurry eyed

I should be on the road to work right now, but I just woke up. A tall glass of generic instant breakfast is in front of me. This morning's abandonment themed dream has me feeling all alone and lost. Been feeling lost these last few days. Last night I was in a sorta mood to draw and pondered over how to draw 'lost'. I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole where not even emotion can escape.

Madonna & Brittany Who?

Went to the mall today with a guy friend, Steven. We painted some pottery then at lunch. On our way through the mall I saw a kiosk of body jewlery. I asked if they had any noserings. She showed me the small selection she had. As we were walking away Steven said that chick was totally hitting on me. 'No she wasn't' I said. 'Yeah, she was, believe me, guys notice stuff like that.' After we ate, we went back and I picked out a dark green stud. She suggested a light green stud instead since it would go better with my skin tone. I didn't notice the light green stud since the light was crappy in the display case. So as I was thinking she said if I bought a second one, I'd get it for half price. So I went with the light green and a burgandy stud. I don't know if she really was flirting with me, but I did flirt with her a bit. And she charged me a bit less than half on the second stud.

Then we wandered the mall some more. I saw a black corset in the window of Charlotte Russe and Steve said I should try it on. So I did. Surprise, surprise the medium fit. Not just in the waist but the boobs as well. I thought I could get a better fit with the small, but then it would be too small in the waist. It has a black ribbon lacing up the back and hooks & eyes in the front. No bows, no frills, no lace. A simple corset. Even though it was on sale I wasn't sure if I would ever wear it. So I let Steven talk me into buying it.

Honey Mustard Chops.

Mix honey and dijon mustard to taste. I started with about equal parts of each and adjusted from there. Rub on pork loin chops. Bread in seasoned bread crumbs. Bake 350 degrees for 15-20 min or until done.

Chicken & Rice

I threw this together the other day and it's the damn best chicken and rice I've ever made.

In a slow cooker put in about a pound of boneless, skinless chicken thighs and pour in enough Italian dressing to cover it. Cook on high until done, about 2-2.5 hours. When it gets tender enough, shred it with a fork.

Chop up some fresh veggies. About how ever much you want. Carrots, broccoli, onion, orange bell pepper and celery.

Cook up a cup of rice. The other night I used Jasmine rice which I love.

Mix the rice and veggies together in a large bowl. Drain the chicken and save some of the dressing/broth mixture. Add the chicken and a few generous spoonfuls of broth for moisture.

Dump in a can of cream of mushroom soup. If still dry add more broth or a splash of milk. Stick the whole thing in the microwave and cook some more for about 5 minutes. This will steam the veggies and soften them just a bit. If you don't have a microwave, steam for a few minutes on the stove.

Serve.

dreamtime

I've been averaging at least 1 remembered dream a night. Sometimes as many as 3. Several of my dreams of this past week have had kidnapping as a theme. One dream I was the kidnap victim and the rest I'm either the rescuer or the guardian angel of the victim.

another terrorist attack?

I want to listen to the news but am afraid to. Anyone in NYC notice any extra security measures around the United Nations Building? Will some blood thirsty group try to blow it up or ram another plane into it in the next few weeks?

the wall

'The wall' is what I call my depression in therapy. A few months ago, I drew 'the wall' as large, thick and very dominate and I was a little person, arms reached out and one foot off the ground trying to climb it. Today I drew 'the wall' as off in the distance, grass and flowers in the foreground. Blue sky was above it with a few birds drawn in that lazy M shape. She said it was an improvement.

Last week she did an EMDR session with me. It wasn't very long and she said she was impressed with how quickly I progressed. Normally she starts people out in their 'safe place' and they stay there for quite awhile. She started me in my safe place and as soon as I described it too her, it started sliding into a big sink-hole. I go back in 2 weeks and I'll have a full session of about an hour and a quarter.

She asked me today if I'm holding something back. I said I felt like I was, but it's not deliberate. There are times when I want to bring something up, but can't because I have no way of describing the emotion, no words, no metaphors, no physical actions or anything. Like whatever it is, it's what is supporting 'the wall', the mortar of 'the wall.' I want to find a hole in 'the wall' and reach through, grab whatever it is and pull it through. Drag it into the light, stomp on it and maybe that will cause 'the wall' to go away, or at least crumble. She thinks that the EMDR will help bring out whatever it is that I'm holding in and the reason behind it.

She thinks I might be at a point where I can come in every other week, but is a bit hesitant to do that because I keep thinking of cutting, even though I haven't done it for a few weeks. I still think about it and that worries her. It's also a bit fustrating for both of us because the Zoloft has leveled out my emotions. It's good because I can function and have a near normal life, but at the same time in therapy I don't really have any strong emotions or feelings about things that are going on around me.

I didn't like the ending that much

Stayed up late Saturday night to finish The Crimson Petal and White. It was a pretty good book. Very rare is the book that has me hooked at the first page, but this one did. I didn't like the ending though. It leaves you hanging, wondering what happens to the characters. There's no closure, conclusion or finality. I was left fustrated, like a wicked case of literary blue balls.

The story is about a prostitue, Sugar, and the man who takes her to be his mistress. Sugar's mother was her madam at the old brothel.

They say prostitution is the oldest profession. Which made me think, which came first, the prostitue or the mother?

~*~

Listening to the BBC world news on NPR a bit ago and they reported that the heat wave deaths in France are so many that refrigerated trucks and tents are being used as temporary morgues. I didn't catch what the latest numbers are up to now. At first when I heard about it, I thought, 'big deal, it gets 95-100 degrees pretty much all summer here.' But then I had to remind myself that they are further north than I am and the normal summer temps are much much cooler. When I was in France and England the day's high temps were the same as our nightly lows here.

e-Library

I love my library. Go to their website, pick which book you want, reserve it and click which branch you'll pick it up at. Go to the desk, they scan your card, hand you the book and out you go. No more having to wander the shelves and trying to decode the wierd lables they put on the end. And you can even renew online as well. Of course this system has been in place for a few years, but with my depression induced illiteracy and the books I sometimes borrow from friends I was rarely in the library except for researching through the reference materials. They'll also deliver your books to your home, but you have to be disabled or past a certain age.

You can also reserve computers online as well. One of the few things I'm thankful for today.

to do list.

Since feeling better and having my wits about me to look further ahead than the next few hours, I've been able to get a list going of things I need to do.

*Clean my closet and donate some clothes.
*Clean in general around here.
*Shred old credit card recipts (which I still have from '99)
*Get my financial statements, insurance papers and other offical documents sorted, filed and shredded as necessary.
*Finish my cat wall hanging
*Finish my beginning applique project.

But looking at that list now it seems impossible to accomplish. Looking around at this hell-hole I live in and I get overwhelmed with what needs to be done, I just want to go outside with a book and a pepsi and forget it for a while.

Some of it, like the sewing projects I can put off. But getting financial papers in order is a priority since next month I've an appointment with an Edward Jones rep. I just need to figure out how my 401k works, and how to reach my long term goals for the future, which right now are: house & retirement, those two are definate.

I also need to get back in the habit of going to the gym. My membership there exipires in Dec and I may find another gym. Aspen Athletics just opened a tempory facility just down the from me and will be moving into a bigger building as soon as the renovations are done, mainly adding an indoor swimming pool. In searching the web for their website, I found the minutes of a city council meeting from this spring that voted to allow the company to move into an old grocery store and put in a pool and few other things. They have a month to month, pay as you go option that I like. My current gym makes me sign a year contract. However since their little card swipe thing hasn't been working for almost a year I could probably keep going after December and no one will be the wiser.

I was young, I needed the money

I've thought about doing some nude modeling in local artists studios and for groups. Depending on where I go I can get $12-15 an hour. Of course that was a few years ago. Don't know if they are still paying that much. Therapy is $42.50 a week so even being paid $25 a week for a 2 hour session is a godsend. Plus, it's always something I've wanted to do.

Wouldn't mind dancing topless, but if mom ever asks why I'm not home in the evenings when she calls, saying i'm off posing for artists is less likely to give her a heart attack than saying I'm a stripper. However with my nose piercing, and my brother telling her last week that he's dating a black woman, she might have the intestinal fortitude to handle it.

ring a-ling

I bought a new phone yesterday after work. My old one I've had since college and for the last 3 years it likes to make these quiet little chirping noises around 11.30 at night. Well, lately it's been chirping as normal as well as ringing a soft far away sounding ring. No one is calling, but it wakes me up anyway.

It's a corded phone with big numbers. It also has speakerphone and came with a headset. Even though the ringer is set to normal, it's a damn loud ring. Especially last night around 11p when Rob called.

Adobe GoLive is installed on my work computer. Don't really know why since I have never been asked to help out with website production. So the last few days when I have nothing else to do, or something I don't want to do, I open it and play around.

I've finally unraveled the secrets of frames. I would like to redo the website for our little craft guild/co-op as it looks like crap. Don't know if I should put frames on this site or not.

I've paypal'ed my registration fee for UEA. Called my brother and asked him if I could stay at his place since I can't afford a motel. He said sure. I plan on arriving as a self-contained unit. I have a twin sized air mattress, sheets, blankets, pillow as well as the normal stuff for a 3 day stay.

I'm really looking forward to going.

In other news it's been damn hot. Still. upper 90s and into the 100s. Know what pisses me off? When the weather guy says that temps will be 'hitting the century mark.' Dumbass. Century refers to a length of time of 100 years. Also a unit of the Roman army. Sometimes it's used to measure out kilometers. But not temperatures. And then during violent weather, like the tornados we had back in May, they will warn the public not to go outside, to take shelter. Then the next day they show lots of amature video taken by the viewers that should have been in their shelter.

I spy with my little eye....

... something brown

Oh!oh! I know! The shit on this website!

EEERRRRRKKKK!

Wrong, puppies. Just the color, not the content. At least I hope not the content. See what happens when good websites (like mine) go bad (when they don't get remodeling suggestions).

Which reminds me: I took private swimming lessons when I was 13. The woman teaching me had a 2 year old daughter. One day she brought along a package of M&Ms to teach her the colors. Grass Green, Sun Yellow, Do-Do Brown. That's how I'm going to teach my kid the colors. And I'll use fries and onion rings to teach him about sex. He'll be the smartest overweight kid in kindergarten, not to mention having the highest cholesterol. That means he'll be able to count to at least 300.

I think I need to go to bed now.

Rested

I went back to the lake house I stayed at in May for my birthday. My days were pretty much the same. Wake up around 7.30 or 8, go outside and read (The Crimson Petal and the White), when it got too hot or I ran out of shade which was around noonish, I'd come in, eat, take a nap, check my email and sew a bit on an applique project. Around 4 there was shade on the little freestanding porch swing and I'd go back out and either continue sewing if it wasn't too windy or read. My host would come home around 6 or 7 and we'd eat, talk, watch the moon rise and then go to bed.

The mornings were cool and delicious. Even at 4 there was a slight breeze cooled by the lakes that made it plesant. Even in the middle of the day it didn't feel that hot, I guess because I'm away from the sun soaking concrete of the city that inhales the heat then bleches it back at you for an hour after sunset.

I came home Friday around 8pm and watched my Ever After dvd for a while and went to bed at 10. Yesterday my across the breezway neighbor was getting ready for her son's first birthday. They don't have a car and she babysits and her husband works as a mechanic at the Firestone a few blocks away. So at noon, she strapped her kid in my backseat and I ran her around to pick up stuff. She knew exactly what she needed from which stores so I stayed in the car playing vroom vroom truck and radio surfing to find a song the kid liked and we'd bop-dance together. Then around 8.30 she knocked on my door and invited me for grilled hot dogs and burgers.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I'm rested but not quite ready to go back. But on the flip side, by Thursday afternoon I was getting a bit bored. How women stay home all the time while their husbands work and not at least do volunteer work baffles my mind.

My name is Rette and I'm a bath and body-aholic

I spent $61 in Bath & Body Works this afternoon. I bought body wash, body spray and lotion in both gardina lily and red currant & thyme tea. My free products were night blooming jasmine body spray and lotion.

Wanna be my bestest friend in the whole wide world? Want me to give you a kidney if you need one? Buy me a gift certificate of $200 or more and I'll take a bullet for you. Give you my first born son. I will be your sweet-smelling whore. I will wear a French maid's uniform and feather dust your hard-on every morning. I will follow your dog around with a pooper-scooper. I'll move in with you and be a nanny for your kids. Need a root canal? I'll go to the dentist for you! I'll wear short short shorts and a white tee shirt without a bra and wash your car every day for the rest of the summer.

I don't feel that bad for spending so much. It's been a year since I've bought anything from there. I told myself no more until I used what I have. I've put a serious dent in the shower gels since I use those everyday. The same for the lotion, but not a much and the body sprays.... well... did I mention I only have 3 bottles of shower gel left and there's less than have of each left??

I'm not much on the food scents they have. Except the green apple and citrus & basil. But new this fall is a pumpkin cinnamon scent. It smells good enough to eat. Pour over a graham cracker crust, chill and serve with cool whip flavored condom.

Cotton blossom reminds me of Mississippi, green clover screams summer and moonlight path makes me cream my panties every time I smell it. Juniper breeze and raspberry they can discontinue anytime and bring back honeysuckle and either violet or tulip in their place.

Scents I would like to see them offer, lily of the valley, moonflower, and something like the clean linen candle from Yankee Candle.

I may not look like a million bucks, but damn it, I can smell at least like 700 grand.

don't wear a skirt if you're going to buy celery

A Study of the Effects of Celery on Loose Elastic

Some bizzare thoughts that have been bumping around in my head lately.

Do caterpillers know they will one day be butterflies?

Do butterflies remember what it was like to be a caterpiller?

What does the underside of a rainbow look like?

What would turtles look like if they had no shell?

Will Bath and Body Works ever bring back their violet scented products?

1 down, 2 to go

I finished my wheat wall hanging this early evening. Then I rinsed it to the the marker lines out and put it outside on a drying rack to dry as I sat outside and read. Still a tiny bit damp but the major wrinkles ironed out fine.

Now to tackle the applique project from the class I took and the cat wallhanging.

the forgotten one.

The book I had forgotten about was Confessions of a Pagan Nun. A good book, but not as exciting as the back cover would have you believe.

What I've read this year.

Or should that be, in the last 6 weeks?

In no particular order.

The Neverending Story by Michael Ende - A good book, enjoyable read, really gives the imagination a work out. I liked the first half better.

Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger - bought in a used book store for $3. I should be getting a $4 refund plus the week of my life back that I wasted reading it. What is in this book that made it so damn famous? Back then such cynicism probably was shocking, but now, it's everyday. He was angst before there was such a thing.

Shelters of the Stone by Jane Auel - The fifth book in her Clan of the Cave Bear series. I just finished it a few minutes ago. Eh. A lot of repetition from the two books before it. Plus 3/4 of the book takes place in the first 2 weeks they return to the family. Then boom! It's 7 months later. Boom! it's a year later.

Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain - His experiences in of 20 years of cooking and the people he's worked for and the ones that now work for him. Highly recommended.

Cook's Tour by Anthony Bourdain - Eats a still beating cobra heart in Thailand I believe, has a 6 hour dinner in Californa and of course, eats fugu in Japan. The things that have passed that man's lips and his wife still wants to kiss him? A good read if only for the humorous ways he describes any food related illness (and there's many) he's afflicted with.

I think that's been my reading list so far this summer. Wanna say there was another book that I forgot to list, but a quick look in my piles of books doesn't reveal anything that hasn't already been mentioned here. Tomorrow, for sure, Catcher in the Rye will be going back to the used bookstore.

All suggestions are welcome

I'm thinking about changing the blog around. Different color, different layout, I'm not sure yet. I would like to create it myself even though the thought of using some linkware out there is tempting. Some templates I've seen are just beautiful.

Feel free to email me or leave a comment below with suggestions, ideas or sweet potato recipes.

xoxo

'Have Journal, Will Travel' says the card of a woman

Today's Friday Five.

1. What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home state/country?

May 2002 I went with my mom and dad to South Dakota to spend a week with my maternal grandmother. It's beautiful up there and even though grandma is in pretty good health for an 82 year old heavy smoker, I worry that the next time I go up there will be her funeral.

2. What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling?

I'm thinking and thinking and I can't think of anything weird that's happened to me while traveling. Usually it's the run-of-the-mill memorable family visit or touristy thing. Pleasant but nothing out of the ordinary. The worst thing that's ever happened to me was getting sexually assulted in Paris outside of the Church of the Sacred Heart. It sat on top of a hill and overlooked Paris which seemed to stretch to the horizon. I never filed a complaint or anything.

From my understanding rape really isn't taken seriously in France. The attitude is, 'your a woman, it's going to happen sooner or later, suck it up'. Wasn't it in Italy where their high court ruled that it isn't possible for a woman wearing jeans to be raped. Excuse Me??!!?? I'd like to take those judges and put them in wranglers and toss their degio ass into any maximum security prison and see if that ruling will continue to hold water.

3. If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go?

Ireland without a doubt. And visit England and Scotland while I'm at it. Stonehenge, Loch Ness - places I'm tired of reading about because I want to see them first hand.

4. Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car?

Car is ok but you get stiff after a while. Plane is faster although I'm so tense throughout the flight that my neck and shoulders are rock hard when I land. Never been on a train but I've got a feeling I'd love it. You see scenery like car travel, but you can also get up and walk around like a plane. From what I understand, it's the slowest of the three. And ship. I would love to take one of those windjammer cruises in the northeast. Or any kind of masted ship cruise to anywhere, I don't care. I think I overanswered the question.


5. What's the next place on your list to visit?

I've discovered some neat places here in Oklahoma. On my list is Alabaster Caverns, Black Mesa, returning to Gloss (or Glass) Mountains, Tall Grass Prairie Reserve and the site where they found brontosaurs bones and footprints. I need to find someone to roadtrip with and head west on I-40 and see New Mexico and Arizona. Las Vegas also is on my list.

Last night I tried to sew the binding on my wheat wallhanging. Well, I trimmed it to exactly the size I wanted it instead of trimming a bit to large then allowing the binding to roll over the edge. I forgot mostly because I was excited to have it so close to done. And it's been about a year since I've done any binding too. When I realized my mistake I just turned off my machine and went outside to read. Still haven't bothered to rip the stitches out to fix it. I know it can be fixed but that'll take a bit more patience than I have right now.

Tomorrow is Friday and then I'm on vacation!!!!

I keep borrowing Travis's cd's at work. If he minds, he is way to polite to say anything. So tonight I took home two of his cd's and burned my favorite songs from them onto a mix cd with some of my stuff. Neil Diamond, Alanis Morissett, Dead or Alive and a couple of bellydance songs among others. I like that my mix cd's have Rob Zombie right after an Eyna song.

It was thundering and sprinkling this morning when I got up. There's no better way to start a morning than with a little bit of rain. Every morning is a clean and fresh slate, but with rain, it's like that slate was scrubbed down to remove any leftover chalk-dust. There was a rainbow in the west this morning as I went to work. Damn near unbroken but by the time I reached work, the top and one side had faded away but one end was brighter than before.

Is anyone interested in sponsoring me to this year's United Earth Assembly ? If I go I'll stay with my brother so it'll only be $80. I've already got $40. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? I'll bring you back a tee shirt.

Two days down, three more to go, then I'll be out of here for a week. Well, a few days anyway. I have a few quilting projects I need to finish up and I'll take those with me along with a sewing machine. Last night I stayed up late to finish quilting my wheat wall hanging. I had only planned to do what was within the bounds of my little 11"x11" quilting frame, but after I was done, I only had about 4 inches left, so I just finished it right then. It looks real good. you can tell where I started since the stitches are uneven and a bit katty-whompus. I did the border last and by then I had learned how to keep my stitches consistant if not small.

Hopefully I'll get around to binding it tomorrow and then I can take it to work and hang it up and have something to stare at when I should be pretending to work. And for whatever reason, the guys in my area like to keep it about 69 degrees in there. Which for a skinny butt like me, is damn near freezing. I think I'll gather up some of my prettier scraps and make a lap quilt to tuck around me at work.

I went to Lammas at Beth's Friday night. I realized then that people do care about me when Delphi said that I needed energy to help get over my depression. Friday I started bawling cause I was so lonely and almost thought about not going to Beth's but made myself go because I knew I'd feel better afterward and being alone would have done more harm than good.

I was sitting next to Liz and during the power raising she put her hands on my shoulder and knee. Eariler she said she was also on zoloft and what she felt during her depression, which was exactly the same as how I've been feeling. "I don't have the words, but I know how you're feeling." she said. Afterward we hugged and cried and it felt good that not only did she know what I was going through, I could also lean on her if I needed to.

It was weird because I've never asked for help with something this big before. It's a mixed blessing of sorts. I'm touched that so many people care for me, but at the same time, it's a huge responsibility and I'm afraid if I fail, I'll be letting those people down.

Saturday afternoon I went back to her house for a co-op meeting. I've heard bits and pieces about it but didn't know exactly what it was. Friday night Deb explained that they are starting a sort of crafters co-op and selling their items online. It'll be mostly Pagan related items, but there will be a page for odds and ends. I would really like to make some blank books, place mats and maybe the odd lap quilt and sell on there.

I helped them brainstorm ideas and expressed an interest, but said that my current situation doesn't allow me to make that kind of commitment right now. Delphi said it was ok to sell my pieces though Beth or Sue until I was able to buy into the co-op. It isn't that much, just $22 a year. But this month after my bills have cleared, I'll be left with about $31 in the bank and that's before the therapist and shrink this week.

Thank goodness I'm going on vacation in two weeks.

I fucking hate backslides. I thought I had sucessfuly clawed out of one after fighting it for a few days. Now a step later and it's face first down another pit of darkness. I so hate this shit. The zoloft isn't letting me sleep. What I take to sleep gives me fucked up dreams. It's been hard to keep myself away from sharp objects the last few hours.

Ahhh, the sounds of summer. The dry chirp of the cicada, which I seem to be the only one on Earth that enjoys the sounds of. Then there is the sound of air conditioners which I can't stand. The screaming kids splashing water at each other, that I can tolerate in doses. I was very thankful when the managment made it a rule that one one under 16 was allowed at the pool after 9. Of course it was too dark to read by then, but it was at least quiet.

I got to draw in therapy today. Some sort of Maori thing. I drew a snake, bird, butterfly, mountain, flower, path, tree and shelter. I have to hang it up somewhere and look at it then take it back next week and we'll go over the meanings. Since I like to be creative and I don't have an outlet for it at work, she thinks doing something creative will help.

I've been keeping in touch with Rex off and on since March. Just the occasional email or phone call. I sent him an im Wednesday after work asking how much he was familiar with a certain legal topic. I didn't expect him to im back right then but he did. We chatted and he said that day was the birthday of the Russian kid he's hosting. Said he might be coming into the city and did I want to come along. I said sure.

A few hours later he calls and says he's an hour out from me and he has with him his secretary, C who is also celebrating her birthday, and C's best friend K. They pick me up and we head out to this sushi place on Reno just east of Meridian. On the drive out there C tells me she had a boob job 2 weeks ago, a birthday/divorce present to herself. It was 9.40 when he got there and the place closed at 10. As we were walking across the parking lot, Rex came up behind me and took my hand. That really surprised me, I wasn't expecting that at all.

In the middle of dinner C, who has had nothing to drink, decides to show everyone at the table her new boobs. We're the only customers there and all the staff is in the back. Up comes the top, open comes the bra, a front latched sports bra. Her boobs aren't really that pretty. The bruising was gone but they looked terribly and unnaturally round and solid. The staff came out a bit later with icecream for the birthday people and she gave them an encore and recieved a standing ovation.

Then it was time for some clubbin'. We went down the street a few blocks to Night Trips. A strip club. Women get in free when accompanied by a guy. So Rex only paid two cover charges. It was the Russian boy's 21st birthday and he had left his ID at Rex's. Rex leans over the counter and says to the guy that it's his 21st birthday, he forgot his ID and he was a lawyer representing him on a case. The guy lets him in. Russian boy worked as a bartender in a strip club when he was 19.

Rex told K that she had to earn her beer money by tipping the girls. He bought me and C a lap dance. I asked her the policy on touching. She said I couldn't touch but I could graze my hands 'accidently.' She was incredably soft and smelled so pretty. Afterward I asked her what she was wearing, gardenia lilly from Bath and Body Works. I thanked her and she gave me a hug.

Rex bought Russian boy a showtime. Several times Rex would put his arm around me or once when I was touching my hair that's in a bun, he was touching my hand at the same time. At one point he asked what would I be doing if he hadn't invited me out with them. I said probably doing laundry and then maybe hanging out with this guy I had been hanging out with a bit lately. As I'm telling him this, not thinking he'd give a rat's ass, he wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me closer and holds me tight to him with both arms like I'm going to run away or something.

I'm thinking, what the hell? You cheated on me, now things are over between us, we're hanging out at friends and you seem a bit jealous when I talk casually about another guy?

We kissed for quite a while when he walked me to my door and said he wished he had come seperatly instead of all together in one car. Then Thursday he im's me thanking me for an interesting and different night out. And says he wishes 'we had more time last night'.

I'm confused.

THen Rob comes over Thursday night unexpected. He's at the OU medical library studing for his boards and needed a place to crash. I know from past conversation that Rob wants to marry a good little catholic girl who will stay at home and raise their 4 or 5 kids. He's not having any luck because lately he's been dating other medical students. Like a woman is going to waste all that time and money on medical school to become a baby producing doormat. No Thank You.

Then he asks about us maybe becoming occasional lovers. I told him, that maybe two or three years ago, I would have been agreeable to that, but now, I want a relationship that includes deep caring/love, committment, loyalty, kindness, humor, etc. All the stuff that comes with a long term relationship. Not something you care about in a fuck buddy.

"Well, I hope you find someone like that. I'll be very happy for you when you do."

Earlier in the evening we had been talking about bad girls and good girls. Guys fuck bad girls but marry good girls said Rob. I guess he sees me as a bad girl because I go to strip clubs, have a pierced nose, am craveing a tattoo and have other enjoyments and interests that supposedly 'good girls' don't have.

Bastard.

I called the shrink's office Monday to see if my zoloft had been called in. The nit-twit receptionist didn't know and then tried to make out like it was my fault that the messages I left were lost or not given to the dr. Twat.

I did finally get my meds. I took off Monday afternoon from work and got a few things done that have been on my mind lately. One of them was seeing about getting my car loan refinanced. The lowest interest I could get was 6.25% and that's only if I have perfect credit. I did take some money out of my savings that is currently earning .5% and opened an account that has 1.21% intrest. Not too much more, but when I called around some banks were only giving .2%. The cd's aren't that much better.

I'm thinking about buying into some more mutual funds and maybe some stocks. I have a 401k, but almost since the day I started it, I've been losing money.

I work in the hobby industry and for the last few weeks, I've been keeping my ears open and asking the occassional 'casual' question and I've discovered that through my employer I have connections to a fabric manufacter and if I submit artwork and it is accepted, I could license it and have my own line of fabric printed. That of course is a 'if' as big as Texas.

I need to think more positive. That 'if' is as big as New York, but smaller than Texas. Yes, much better.

I'm taking an applique class at the local quilt store, I may just 'casually' ask the women what they think is missing in the current selection of quilt fabrics that is out there. Isn't that the first rule of business and marketing? Find what's missing and give it to them. Find a niche and fill it? Is there a certain something you would like to see?

Something to think about now that I feel like thinking again.

If ya'll have an idea, let me know.

Tuesday around lunch I called the shrink and asked for a refill on my zoloft. The receptionist took a message and said sure. Wednesday after work I stopped by the pharmacy thinking Tuesday noon through Wednesday at 5 is enough time to call in a refill. Wrong. I called when I got home and left a message. The receptionist called back Thursday morning asking me to return her call. Well, I didn't get the message until I got home and the office was closed. Called and left another message.

This morning I called the pharmacy, still no meds. I called the shrinks office and was immeadiatly put to voicemail. I left a message. At lunch I went to the office, the door was locked but some woman let me in. She said she'd take a message and page the shrink right away. At 5 I called the pharmacy again and still no meds. I have one pill left for tomorrow morning. I guess I could split it and take half tomorrow and the other half Sunday. And hope like hell I get a refill Monday.

I have therapy Monday, I guess I could just take the afternoon off and park myself in the shrink's waiting room until I get my meds.

Three and a half days should be plenty notice. How fucking long does it take to call it in?

Jerry Springer is running for Congress. Didn't he write a hot check to a hooker when he was mayor of Cincinnati?

Not much going on. I've been casually hanging out with a guy from work, Tom, who rides a bike. Sometimes he'll pick me up and we'll go somewhere. I like second gear.

Another friend, Rob, recently graduated med school. I was on the phone with him the other night and he said that he scored some free samples of Viagra at a hospital he's working at. He wants to try them out but doesn't have a girlfriend right now. I said when he comes up at the end of August to bring them and we can try them. I've been curious about viagra altered sex. I don't think he believes me though. He told me that I'm a very unique kisser and that my lips are like butter. I'm guessing that's a compliment.

Been feeling better overall. Last week was pretty rough, I didn't sleep well and was tired all the time. I'm finally able to sleep most of the night and not wake up as often. I've been having some weird dreams too. It's been years since I've dreamed this much. About every other morning I'll wake up and remember one or two dreams. My therapist was on vacation last week and I go back tomorrow. I need to take my jounal and let her see it. The last few weeks have been very up and down emotionally.

Well, another week away from the computer and not much has been going on.

My therapy appt was moved from Monday to Wednesday of next week, but I may have to cancel as my car insurance is due this month. I pay it every six months and this time the amount due is more that my last paycheck. So I have that as well as regular bills. By the time everything clears I'll have $150 in the bank to get me through the next two weeks.

Mom came up Friday afternoon. We went to Gutherie (she bought me a full tank of gas for a 30 mile round trip) and checked out several antique shops there. Gutherie has a very beautiful downtown. We watched the fireworks at UCO campus and it took us 45 minutes to drive the 3/4 mile back to my apt. I would have walked if it had just been me, but since mom had been walking all around Gutherie and a few other stores we went to, I didn't know if she could make it.

She stayed at the hotel across the street and we both slept late. I went through the Gazette Friday and tore out ads for some interesting unique little shops around here to check out. I took her to the new Hobby Lobby on Danforth that opened last weekend and the new quilt shop. There is a new Hancocks Fabrics opening here too, but driving by it, we couldn't tell if they were open for business or just stocking.

Around 3.30 she left to head home. I was probably already asleep before she left the gas station down the road. Slept for an hour and a half and it did me good. I don't really mind the heat we have here in the summer, but I do forget how much it takes out of a person when they are running around in it. How outdoor workers can do it, I don't know. Ya get used to it I guess.

I've been working on and off this week on a hand quilting a wall hanging. It is of a bundle of wheat and I framed it with a ribbon border. I already had some sage green fabric that I thought would look good with the design quilted in white. The tips of my first and second finger of my right hand are all chewed up from the needle pricking me. It's the only way to feel and make sure the needle has gone all the way through. Some can use a leather thimble but when I tried I kept wanting to sew the leather to the back.

I also finished Kitchen Confidential and bought A Cook's Tour and finished that in a week. Both are by Anthony Bourdain and I highly recommend Kitchen Confidential. The second one is good too, however it lacked a sense of continuity. A few days ago I started The Neverending Story. I'll let you know if it ends.

I turned off my computer last Sunday and didn't turn it on again until Thursday night. It was nice not having the computer on. I sat outside and read most of the time. I sorta missed it, but not enough to turn it on.

I saw the shrink the 19th and she gave me a script for 100mg of Zoloft. I'm very thankful I have a perscription plan with my insurance, or I'd have to have mom pay for my meds. The increase in doseage has left me with tremors and twitches.


Saw her again Thursday and she wanted to bump me to 150mg. I said no. I still had 21 days left of the 100mg and I wanted to stick with that for at least a full month before going up to anything else. I told her about the twitching and she said it was a sideeffect. I've been having trouble sleeping since going to 100mg and she offered to give me something mild to help me sleep. I hate taking medicine and will choose over the counter before prescription if I have a choice. She said to start taking it in the morning instead of at night which is when I have been taking it and told me it was ok to take tylonol pm.

My back has been hurting something fierce the last month or so. Way beyond the normal stress aches in my lower back. So Thursday night I skipped the Zoloft, downed a little blue pm and slept. It's been months since I've slept that good. I woke up and my back wasn't hurting. Took another pm last night and slept damn good again. My back is a bit stiff since I woke up on my belly and belly sleeping hurts sometimes.

I've got so much I want to do today I don't know where to start or if I'll have enough time for it all. I've already decided to skip the gym today and I'll walk the track this evening and next instead. I need to go to the bank and deposit a check, get some stamps, write out and mail bills, go to the quilt store and get a wheat motif I've been lusting after for a while, and paint pottery.

Last week I did a plate in a camo pattern for my brother. The greens turned out a bit brighter than I planned on even though I mixed the greens to make them darker. I want to do a bowl and mug for him now.

Dad called Thur. I invited him and mom up for July 4th. He has to work. I said, 'well, Mom can come up Friday and stay the night. We can watch fireworks and shop Saturday. Mom called last night with the same suggestion. So she gave me her credit card number and I made reservations for her at the motel across the street.

Reading over this it doesn't sound like anything exciting has been going on. And, truthfully, nothing has. But at the same time, everything is exciting. This wall of depression that has kept me hostage for the last year (and to some extent the last 5 years, maybe a bit longer) is finally crumbling and allowing daylight through. I have engery to do things, desire to do things and the attention span to see them through to the end.

I knew things were getting bad when I would be at the grocery store and start crying because I was overwhelmed with the selection on the shelf. I just want a bottle of ranch salad dressing. But it's not that easy. There wishbone brand, kraft, hidden valley, and the house brand. There's light, fat free, ranch with bacon. Big bottles, little bottles. I just want ranch, I'd think as I blinked away the tears to see the bottles clearly.

Next aisle over, bread. Wheat or white? Thin sliced or sandwhich? Honey oat, poppy seed or wheat berry? More tears. Do I get a can of peas or carrots or the can that has both? And so it goes until I'm exhausted and look at my list and decide to get the rest of the stuff later. I put my hand basket of 10 items or less on the belt and carry it out in two sacks.

That's no way to live and I'm tired of it.

Here's is my newly pierced nose.

I've posted a pic of my nose. The notify list will get first peeks at it.

Well, mom was in shock at first about my nose, after she noticed it that is. I had to point it out to her. Dad noticed it right off and likes it. Says it's dainty and almost too small to see. Finally as I was leaving Sunday she admitted that it was cute.

At work it's been the guys that comment on it when they notice it. The women either haven't noticed it or haven't said anything if they do. It's weird, guys won't notice a new hair style, but pierce your nose and they sure will notice that.

It took Beth a while to notice it. We were both kinda sleepy this morning so for morning break we walked around the building, 2 1/2 laps later she interrupts herself to say something about it. Then when we go in she points it out to Sue.

Friday I was asked out by the maintaiance/cleaning guy. A married 50ish, black married guy with rotting teeth. Oh, did I mention he's married. How is it I attract guys that can't stay faithful? I don't go looking for them. They just seem to find me. I didn't know he was married until Beth told me when i told her he asked me out. So when I see him next I'll use that as my reason I can't go out.

Yes, I took pictures. I'll get them posted hopefully Sunday or Monday night.

My notify list will have first look as I have to build a webpage for them and a few other photos I would like to post. If you want to sign up, feel free, it's to your right in the purple box.

I'm off to spend the weekend with my dad for Father's Day and freak my mom out with my nose. If you feel a distrubance in the Force, that's mom ripping it out.

Got my nose pierced couple of hours ago. Got the gold stud since I'm not supposed to take it out for 4 months and it'll go with everything.

He takes me back to the room and puts on a surgical mask and washes his hands. He asks some questions about my work and puts on gloves and gets out a plastic sealed packet of the stuff and lays it out on the tray. First he cleans my nostril inside and out with some soap stuff that looks like pus and smelled like a dentist office. Then he marked the spot with a drop of blue ink and I had a look see in the mirror. It seemed a bit high at first, but since he's done this before, I trusted his judgement. I layed down on the table and he asked if I was ready. I wasn't but I pretended I was. Closing my eyes he told me to take a deep breath and let it out. When I did he pierced me. It was quick, the sting lasted a second. I felt the weight of the needle in my nose as he got the stud ready. My eyes were beginning to water.

The pain came when he took the needle out and put the stud it. That hurt. Even thought I kept saying 'ow' I tried to say it in a brave way. Then there was this sensation of having to sneeze.

"You're done" He says. It was over pretty quickly

I was afraid to sit up and felt the tears go down the corners of my eyes to my temples. I looked in the mirror. It wasn't as red as I figured it'd be. It doesn't clash with my glasses as I was afraid it would. Actually it looks good, I should have had it done sooner. I'm happy with it and it doesn't look too high after all. It feels weird of course, like there's a monster-sized booger in my nose.

I checked out 23rd Street Piercing and it's a cool place, state licensed and everything. So I'll get my nose done either Friday night after work or Saturday before I go home for Father's day and see my dad. "Happy Father's Day, Daddy!, I got my nose pierced for you!" Mom, of course, will have kittens and snort and huff for a few minutes. My brother will just look at it and ask when I'm getting a tattoo.

Right now I'm not sure if I want a tiny gold stud or one with a tiny emerald stone in it. I'm excited about getting it done and right now am debating on skipping the gym and going tonight or waiting until tomorrow since I'm going to a coffeehouse Friday night that's right across the street from the piercing place.

The chick behind the counter was cool and answered all my questions. She had a lot of tattoos and ear plugs that I could fit my thumb through.

Ok. So I didn't get my nose pierced. But from what I've heard, the 23rd St Body Piercing is the best place in town to go.

The med dosage got doubled last night. Except for nausea last night and a tiny bit of all over shakieness this morning, things seem to be going pretty good. The side-effects are tapering off, the nausea and occassional drowsiness is what's left and only seems to happen every other day/night.

I'm thinking about getting my nose pierced this weekend.

I went to the basic hand quilting class today. It was quiet as the maximum number of students is 10 and there were 9 there. The class was held at a quilt store in OKC, and while the instructor was giving one on one instruction the woman next to me whispered if I had been to the new quilt store in Edmond. She kept glancing at the instructor as though we were in school again and trying not to get caught whispering gossip back and forth.

We were given a 'quilt' that had a simple design marked on it. It took me almost two small hearts to get the hang of using the thimble and coordinating my hands and keeping my thumb out of the way. As slow as I was going, I still didn't move my thumb out of the way fast enough and ended up jamming the needle under my nail. Not fun.

My only problem was my fine motorskill coordination. That level was at zero. By the time I was getting the hang of it all, I was out of thread and class was almost over.

I got to draw in therapy today! A house, a picture of me, a picture of me doing something I enjoy, and one of me with my family.My house had very few windows (some with curtains), no sidewalk and no chimney. The pictures of me and my family she found interesting because I drew no faces on the heads. She asked me why. I said it's because I don't like drawing faces and I'm not very good at it. I told her that I like dolls and teddybears without faces. I love those Amish dolls. She said it was interesting and unusual not to draw faces and asked for my permission to take my drawings into to 'consulation' that she has with the other therapists in her office. I said sure. I wouldn't mind knowing what kind of faceless freak I could have hiding inside me.

I've felt pretty good today. Sometimes I've wondered if how I had been feeling (side-effect wise) were true side-effects, or just all in my head sort of thing.

But overall I've been feeling pretty good the last few weeks, since I came back from vacation actually. I have little setbacks, but they don't seem huge and all-consuming as they once did. Been thinking if I really need meds at all.

Today I went to the quilt store. I was going to pick up the quilt kit but they will only be avalible at the class. But I did get some info on a few other things on the supply list. They had some stuff 50% off but nothing that even looked remotely inspiring. Then I went to the mall. Had planned on checking out this store I saw a few months ago next to the food court that was called 'Paint Your Own Pottery" Well, they moved up one level by Penny's and I went in. The studio fee included all supplies and firing, etc. and then you picked what you wanted to paint. I picked a cool shaped mug for $9.

First I put on white paint that had different colored sparkles in it, painted it inside and out with this. Then I painted the handle purple and the rim green. I put green and purple spirals and moons on it. It was fun to paint. There was a pair of women there who were painting some of the bigger pieces. They had done several each and they were really nice. One I loved was a serving platter that she painted blue with a big golden sun on it. I was there for at least an hour working on it. Very theraputic, didn't rush but didn't overanalize my design either. If I made a mistake, oh well. It'll be ready Tuesday after 6. Something tells me the green is going to be brighter than the color swatch said and I'm not going to want to claim a heidioius green and purple mug no matter how cool the shape.

Figurines, plates, bowls, mugs, martini glasses, goblets, banks, candlestick holders, tumblers, lotion dispensers, soap dishes, picture frames, they had a ton of stuff. Want a 'Rette-riginal'? give me a holler.
~*~
Yesterday I baked bread. It was a bread machine mix that has conventional directions also. Well, I made bread back in grade school and everyone had a little part to do. I don't know much about bread other than flour, water, yeast, let rise and bake.

I misread the instructions (or destructions as we call them at work). I thought it said if sticky let rest for 10 minutes before I kneaded it. No. I knead it first, then let it rest, if it's sticky add flour to the surface. Somehow I messed that up. Then it didn't really want to rise for me. It said sit in a warm place. So I turned on the oven to preheat and put the dough on a plate on top of the oven. The heat from there did get it to rise, but not much. I baked it anyway. It didn't rise anymore in the oven. But it's good bread, even though I think it would have tasted better if made in a bread machine, or at least by someone who know how to make bread.

Oh, and from what I've read, zoloft can do quite a number on your liver so it looks like i'll be going through depression recovery dry and sober. *sniff*

Zoloft Possible Side Effects:
dry mouth
decreased appetite
feeling unusually tired or sleepy
trouble sleeping
sexual problems in men and women
diarrhea/loose stools
indigestion
upset stomach
tremor
increased sweating
feeling agitated
***
25mg, 18 hours, 6 side effects
***
I took a 25mg zoloft last night. The first one. Better judgement said to wait until Friday night to take the first one that way whatever side effects that appeared I'd have the weekend to deal and figure out how to manage them. Should have listened to better judgement.

The nausea came within 3 hours. The rest of the digestive problems set in shortly there after. I didn't sleep any worse or better than normal but did get a bit sleepy this afternoon. I dealt with nausea all morning but lunch made me feel better. Then by late afternoon my upper arms were feeling weird. Tremors? Don't know, my hands were fine, but my biceps felt like they were quivering, kinda like when you've upped the weight you're benching and the last few reps have your muscles quaking for mercy. And I realized why they added 'agitated' to that list. Because when you've dealt with the above, you can't help but feel a bit pissy. Although it isn't listed, I felt dizzy and light headed this afternoon. But since 4 I've been feeling pretty good. Took the second one around 7.30ish and so far I'm ok.

So that's what, 5 possibly 6 side effects out of 11. I'll try to do better tomorrow. I'm aiming for decreased appetite and excessive sweating tonight. Wish me luck.

I saw the shrink. I don't like her.

Being a new patient I can understand coming in 15 minutes early to fill out paperwork. So when I made the appt she told me to come a little early, like 12.15. Ok. I get there, it takes me 15 minutes to complete the forms. And I wait. and wait. and wait. A woman comes in while I'm doing paper work and gets seen almost immeadiately.

Finally the door swings open and she is standing there and gives me a sharp nod of her head and turns and walks quickly down the curved hall. She doesn't wait for me, she doesn't tell me which office she's in or anything. I'm way behind her peeking in every open door (and there were alot) trying to find her. Finally I get to her office and close the door behind me since she's already at her desk. I sit down, she looks at this little grey thing and says, 'just a moment'. While I'm sitting there she calls one of her other patients and asks a few general questions and makes an appointment to see the other patient. All while I'm sitting there. She's asking a few basic questions about my therapy and medical history and her pager (the little grey thing) goes off. She looks at it and I'm thinking, 'if she returns that call, I'm outta here.' But she didn't.

She has this 'depression comes and goes in cycles and sometimes clears up on it's own' attitude and didn't seem interested in giving me anything for it and probably only considered it because I told her my counselor recommened that I be seen. She flipped closed my file and dumped it on the floor behind her and didn't say anything for several moments. I thought that was my cue to leave and was about to when she said she'd start me on Zoloft. I might get nausea she said, but tough it out unless it's really bad, then call her. So she can return my call while another patient is in the room? I got a 3 week sample kit and I go back in 3 weeks, either I stay with it, or she puts me on something else.

In a nutshell she was everything I dreaded in seeing a shrink and worse. The other shrink my insurance covers isn't practicing anymore, (at least his phone number listed now belongs to a private residence) and the closest one in the city is a 20 min drive one way and I can't afford to be away from work that long.

I scored my drugs, I guess that's all that matters.

It's not that the batteries all died at once, it's just they they died sometime over the last year and I haven't made the effort to get new ones. As of last week my watch, digital camera, cordless phone and cell phone all need new batteries. The watch I've taken care of. The two phones have working batteries but the talk time on the cordless is just over an hour and the cell about half a day on standby. I also need a new land line for the bedroom. When I talk on that one, the other person can barely hear me.

I see the shrink tomorrow at 12.15. I called this morning for directions to the office and while on hold contemplated just canceling the appointment. I've been feeling better. The last time I really cried was on the 17th when I broke down after coming back from my vacation. Of course a few tears at Dana's office but nothing since then and that's been over a week. Overall I think I'm perking up a bit, but in the back of my head I know that sooner or later I'll hit the wall again and be back to bawling for hours on end. That's the only reason I'm keeping the appt, for what could happen, not what's happening now.

I went to my parents over Memorial Day weekend. Even though I slept pretty good while I was there, Monday evening when I came home I was in bed by 8.45p and not ready at all to get up the next morning. I haven't gone to bed before the sun since I was old enough to stay up that late as a kid. I remember crying myself to sleep as a kid because there was still daylight out and I could hear the neighbor girl playing outside and mad because I had to go to bed. I vowed when I grew up, I'd never go to bed while it was still daylight. And until Monday, (with the exception of the day I had surgery and was zonked out on percocet), I kept that promise.

Oh, and Thur the 22d was the one year anniversery of my surgery too. The scar is a bit darker than my skin but you can clearly see the white lines of the incision and the six suture lines that intersect it.

How dare you, fuckhole telemarketer, to hang up on me mid-sentence after asking why i'm not interested in your product. You inconsiderate bastard never gave me a chance to tell you that I'm on the Oklahoma State Do Not Call List and you're in violation of the law by calling me.

bastard

This weeks friday five

1. What brand of toothpaste do you use?

Crest gel, either the blue or green flavored, which ever i happen to grab.

2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer?

I prefer charmin, it's nice and soft, but buy angel soft. Around here there is almost a $2 difference between the two for a 4 pack.

3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear?

My everyday boots are Vasque. I have Reeboc that I wear to the gym and then generic little slippers, sandles and keds for the summer.

4. What brand of soda do you drink?

Pepsi!

5. What brand of gum do you chew?

I don't chew gum. Everyonce in a while spearmint wrigleys, but very rarely.

Last week's Friday Five but I'm doing them anyway, cause I want to post but don't have anything exciting to report.

1. What drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?

At home I drink from the tap. At work there are numerous water coolers around that I drink from. And on occassion I'll buy a bottle of water on my way to dance class. I don't really have a favorite and I've been known to drink warm water because it's the only thing around (in the middle of the woods) and I'm thristy.

2. What are your favorite flavor of chips?

Lay's plain chips. I'm also a big fan of crunchy cheetos.

3. Of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?

Pork chops with sweet potatoes and pineapple.

4. How do you have your eggs?

fried with a soft yoke. the runnier the better, then you sop up the rest of the yoke with a piece of toast.

5. Who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?

Mom. She made lasagna and it was pretty good. Meant to bring the leftovers home with me, but forgot them.

My vacation was wonderful. Quiet, relaxing and besides waking up to strong as winds at 1am Friday morning and turning on the weather to hear that there are rotating clouds and possible tornado touch down in the tiny town I was staying at, things were for the most part more wonderful than I could have hoped for.

Came home Friday (through more tornado infested storms) and walked in the door at 5.15pm. Walked back out at 6p and went to my parents. A few minutes after coming home I became upset that I was home. Upset that I had cleaned and there was no familar clutter to comfort me. I broke down crying minutes after putting down my purse and I couldn't stop crying. I unpacked thinking that would keep me occupied and calm me down. It didn't help. So sobbing, I called mom and asked if I could come home. I've never called home crying before and hearing me upset her. Apartment equals depression and depression equals apartment. Probably explains why I feel a bit better when i'm out of the house.

I got to my parents house around 8.30pm, went to bed less than an hour later and slept 12 hrs. It's been a long time since I've slept that long and that heavy. Mom kept me busy either around the house or going somewhere. Sunday she told me that everyone's been worried about me and that she thinks I should see a dr. I told her that I've been going to a therapist and have an appt with a psychritrist. She seemed to feel better knowing that I've been getting help. My brother was on a mini vacation of his own as well and had gone camping but when he was home he sorta avoided me and when we were together seemed to treat me like a fragile glass vase or something. Dad did too, but not as bad. Mom however had me chopping veggies, painting the house numbers, reading and what ever else she could think of to keep me from being static for too long.

Saturday we went to Muskogee to flea market/antique shop. Mom bought me a ceramic wall pocket with violets on it and I bought myself a nearly new hardback cookbook of simple one dish meals.

I'm out in the middle of nowhere. Well, not quite nowhere, there is dial-up out here. The first day i spent outside reading or writing, moved inside when it got too hot and then back out around 4 and took a nap in the hammock. Also took my first motorcycle ride to Fairview and back. If you're ever up there, the courthouse lawn is well worth the trip. Sat outside without a shirt looked out over the lake in front of the house, and drank a whole bottle of blackberry wine. It was a small bottle from a local vinery

Day 2, cleaned the kitchen of my host, read, wrote, surfed the net a bit. Not much to do since i don't have any bookmarks up here and had to search the few I did find. Watched the moon rise over the lake while curled up in a blanket and drank a whole (small) bottle of pear wine from the same vinery. Read a good chunk of Kitchen Confidential. Damn good book. Fished at the lake behind the house.

Today is day 3. Saturday's sunburn is starting to peel. Woke up before 7 and the lakes were foggy. The lake was like glass and I stood on the deck anda watched swallows(?) skim the surface for either a drink or tiny fish at the surface. The darkness and bags under my eyes are fading, I haven't had a headache since last thur or friday. Other than the zits left over from stress and my period, my skin is looking better and seems to have a bit of color in it, (and not just from being in the sun.)

My host works during the day and last night and this evening has graduation ceremonies so he'll be in late. Twelve or more hours of solitude and quiet. Tonight is the lunar eclipse and I'll either have another bottle of wine, crab apple is left, or I'll have champagne.

Thank you, my dear S. That was very sweet of you. That made my day. xoxoxoxox

Today is my 28th birthday.

I started the day out right with a 9am bubble bath. At 10 I was in the locker room at the spa slipping into a thick soft robe for my 90, yes, 90 minute full body massage. She worked out the knots and kinks I knew I had and noted on the paper they had me fill out and found some others I didn't know I had and took care of those as well. I'd been having jaw soreness on my left side and mentioned this as she was working on the left side of my neck. I told her that it started after a dental appt and the dentist later told me it could be due to a tight neck muscle. She said that side was pretty tight. Now my tired jaw muscles are relaxed and are a bit sore from being tensed up for 3 weeks. It is so nice to drop my chin onto my chest and not have the tight muscles down my spine to my hips stretch and scream in protest.

I got my back and feet wrapped in hot towels scented with lavendar and chamomile and a herbal pillow for my eyes. The oil she used left me really soft. I declined a shower to wash it off and put up with slippery legs and squishy toes just cause I liked the way it felt. I listened to the new age-y music and imagined soft flowing colors or meadows with wildflowers to help me relax. I was offered herbal teas and cookies afterward and told I could hang out in the lounge as long as I wanted. There was a variety of high end shampoos and body washes in the shower along with hairspray, gel, and hair dryer. I was quite impressed. But then it was my first trip to a spa and when it comes to the fru-fru pamper yourself stuff, I am easily impressed.

Home for a lunch of green beans and mashed potatoes and off to therapy. Since I had a good week (one crying spell) and kept pretty busy and occupied, I didn't start crying in her office. I was afraid I would and thought of cancelling because i didn't want to get all tense again after the massage. But I stayed pretty calm. And she was pleased that I had a good week and seemed to be feeling pretty good.

Went to the bank and put some extra money on my car loan and then to the grocery and stocked up on the basics.

Saturday I sat out at the park for 3.5 hrs. I didn't think I was out there that long. Sitting by the pond gave me a pair of beet red shoulders. That night I went to the bookstore and bought Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain. Read almost half of it yesterday (while sitting inside). Quite an interesting book. Althought I think it could have been edited a bit tighter, it doesn't drag. After this, I'm going to get a Cook's Tour.

Tomorrow I'm off in search of peace and quiet.

One thing I've learned about tears:

No matter how hot the shower water is, your tears will be hotter.

Yes, the storm changed direction and Edmond was in it's path, not a direct path as it zig-zaged it's way through the city. When it was about 4 miles from here, I hunkered down in the bathtub and waited. I had a radio with me and heard that it hit a amusement park on I-35, not far from where I work. I wondered if I would have a job to go to after vacation. They said the tornado was headed north and I braced for the worse, then the power went out, taking the radio with it. I saw the lightning flashes under the door and heard hail hitting the windows.

They say it gets quiet before the tornado hits, which isn't always true since this one was rain-wrapped. They also say you never hear the one that hits you, so as long as I was hearing things, I figured I was ok. After 5 minutes the lightning had dramatically slowed down and I heard someone cough in the breezeway. So I ventured out. It had missed us by a few miles.

Called home to say I was ok, and mom picked up half way through the first ring. She said her brother in Illinios called after seeing that we were in the middle of a tornado worried and unsure of where I lived.

It's funny the things I grabbed and stuffed in a bag while getting ready to dive for cover. I got my car title, insurance papers, journal (current and past), bank papers and passport were my important stuff. Things that probably should be in a safe box at the bank. Trivial stuff included a painted wooden spoon that was a gift, a small Peruivian drum, salt crystals that I dug up, a plastic Yoda and a greeting card with two beagle puppies that I had framed and on top of my TV, a notebook of my geneology and my sewing machine. Dad had made me an emergency kit and I added to it some basic toiletries and a change of clothes, the first quilt I made and a pillow.

If I was going to be homeless, I didn't want to be homeless without those things. Most of it fit into a backpack, gym bag and my purse. The sewing machine I put next to the tub, everything else fit inside. The quilt and pillow were to protect my head and body

Afterward I lit some candles and had a bit of wine to calm down. Went to bed at midnight, the power was still out. I think it was restored around 1.30.

As the storm was coming in on the west side of town, the phone rang, thinking it was mom, I answered. It was a guy asking me to subscribe to the sunday oklahoman. I asked him where he was calling from, but didn't hear the answer since they had updated the strom path and I listened to that. I interupped him saying i'd never consider subscribing until all the gaylords were dead (one killed over 2 weeks ago) and that there was a tornado coming and hung up on him. In the heat of the moment I forgot to tell him I was on the do not call list and he was breaking state law by calling me.

It's a beautiful day out now, I'm going to the park and enjoy it for there could me more storms again tonight.

More tornados tonight a few miles west and south of where yesterday's tornados hit. I may get hit with the northern end of this storm, maybe not. It's still about 2 hrs out and could change direction. If you're gonna get hit with a supercell/tornadic storm, the north end is the best as most tornados like to form at the southwest end of the storm. But from the looks of it, it's moving more or less east and about 40-50 miles southwest of here.

It's weird to be sitting in traffic a mile from your home in a light rain with a fairly sunny sky and hear on the radio that 20 miles south people sitting in traffic are having their cars blown off the road by a tornado. Tornados suck, but at rush hour is even worse. Here in Edmond, we just caught the edge of the storm, skys weren't that dark, rain not bad and full sunshine about 30 minutes later.

Been cleaning this week. Just doing it a small area at a time. So far the kitchen, bathroom, most of the living room is done. Tomorrow I'm going to clean off the kitchen table, my computer desk and vaccuum. I even bought lilic carpet fresh powder too. I feel better. Maybe cleaning my cluttered apt will help unclutter my mind as well. It's nice to walk into the kitchen and actually see the counter.

Bought a shoe rack to put by the door since I always take my shoes off when I enter the door. (I think I was Japanese in a past life). Most of the shoes I own are thrown somewhere around the door. Bought a small table to put my plants on by the window. Now I have a clear view of the tv and not watch from between the leaves of an out of control gloxina.

I'm on vacation next week. I have a few mild and liquid plans but nothing solid yet. I do know that without a doubt it will include, quiet, nature, quiet, outdoors and quiet.

I'm taking a break from writing online for a few weeks at least. I need
to redirect my energies for a while (what little energy is left).

You probably don't want to hear about my depression and I'm tired of
writing about it, but have little else to write about.

So until something exciting happens or I've had a breakthrough of some
sort, I'll be off somewhere quiet getting my life sorted back out.

I called a psychiatrist office today to set up an appointment to get a perscription for antidepressants. She said it'd be 2 week wait for new patients, puts me on hold and comes back and says the earliest I can get in is May 29th. Wonderful. A whole month. Plus I need to call my insurance and get pre-authorized whatever the fuck that means. The secretary said I'd like the dr, a woman. Of course she would say that, I think it was more to reassure me since I was about to cry when told I'd have to wait a month.

The insurance booklet only listed two for here. The first number I called now belongs to a private residence. The others have offices deep within OKC, we're talking about a 20 minute drive one way.

I'm taking vacation from work May 12-16.

Therapy is going pretty good. I've been feeling a lot better lately. I think it's because I have someone to talk to. Someone who won't inturrupt me, offer unneeded advice, someone removed from the situation, someone who won't judge me. Someone who will just plain listen as I ramble, cry and vent. I feel safe there in what I say and that's something I've never had.

She's asks questions that make me think in a different direction, make me step outside this hell for a moment.

Over Easter weekend I did a lot of writing so I went to Kinkos and copied most of the weekend's entries. Mostly I wrote about how I see this depression, how it makes me feel, why I want out of it. She asked some of those questions on the second visit, all I could say was, 'i don't know,' or 'i'm not sure' and cry.

It seems that everyone is taking Rex's side in all this. Even my own mom, who has never met Rex, seems to think that what ever happened was my fault. My friends, the guys are remaining neutral, and the women have this tone in their voice like I didn't do enough to keep him around or make him happy enough to stay. I don't know if I'm just taking this personally or being overly sensitive or what, but it isn't helping any.