I've felt pretty good today. Sometimes I've wondered if how I had been feeling (side-effect wise) were true side-effects, or just all in my head sort of thing.

But overall I've been feeling pretty good the last few weeks, since I came back from vacation actually. I have little setbacks, but they don't seem huge and all-consuming as they once did. Been thinking if I really need meds at all.

Today I went to the quilt store. I was going to pick up the quilt kit but they will only be avalible at the class. But I did get some info on a few other things on the supply list. They had some stuff 50% off but nothing that even looked remotely inspiring. Then I went to the mall. Had planned on checking out this store I saw a few months ago next to the food court that was called 'Paint Your Own Pottery" Well, they moved up one level by Penny's and I went in. The studio fee included all supplies and firing, etc. and then you picked what you wanted to paint. I picked a cool shaped mug for $9.

First I put on white paint that had different colored sparkles in it, painted it inside and out with this. Then I painted the handle purple and the rim green. I put green and purple spirals and moons on it. It was fun to paint. There was a pair of women there who were painting some of the bigger pieces. They had done several each and they were really nice. One I loved was a serving platter that she painted blue with a big golden sun on it. I was there for at least an hour working on it. Very theraputic, didn't rush but didn't overanalize my design either. If I made a mistake, oh well. It'll be ready Tuesday after 6. Something tells me the green is going to be brighter than the color swatch said and I'm not going to want to claim a heidioius green and purple mug no matter how cool the shape.

Figurines, plates, bowls, mugs, martini glasses, goblets, banks, candlestick holders, tumblers, lotion dispensers, soap dishes, picture frames, they had a ton of stuff. Want a 'Rette-riginal'? give me a holler.
~*~
Yesterday I baked bread. It was a bread machine mix that has conventional directions also. Well, I made bread back in grade school and everyone had a little part to do. I don't know much about bread other than flour, water, yeast, let rise and bake.

I misread the instructions (or destructions as we call them at work). I thought it said if sticky let rest for 10 minutes before I kneaded it. No. I knead it first, then let it rest, if it's sticky add flour to the surface. Somehow I messed that up. Then it didn't really want to rise for me. It said sit in a warm place. So I turned on the oven to preheat and put the dough on a plate on top of the oven. The heat from there did get it to rise, but not much. I baked it anyway. It didn't rise anymore in the oven. But it's good bread, even though I think it would have tasted better if made in a bread machine, or at least by someone who know how to make bread.

Oh, and from what I've read, zoloft can do quite a number on your liver so it looks like i'll be going through depression recovery dry and sober. *sniff*

Zoloft Possible Side Effects:
dry mouth
decreased appetite
feeling unusually tired or sleepy
trouble sleeping
sexual problems in men and women
diarrhea/loose stools
indigestion
upset stomach
tremor
increased sweating
feeling agitated
***
25mg, 18 hours, 6 side effects
***
I took a 25mg zoloft last night. The first one. Better judgement said to wait until Friday night to take the first one that way whatever side effects that appeared I'd have the weekend to deal and figure out how to manage them. Should have listened to better judgement.

The nausea came within 3 hours. The rest of the digestive problems set in shortly there after. I didn't sleep any worse or better than normal but did get a bit sleepy this afternoon. I dealt with nausea all morning but lunch made me feel better. Then by late afternoon my upper arms were feeling weird. Tremors? Don't know, my hands were fine, but my biceps felt like they were quivering, kinda like when you've upped the weight you're benching and the last few reps have your muscles quaking for mercy. And I realized why they added 'agitated' to that list. Because when you've dealt with the above, you can't help but feel a bit pissy. Although it isn't listed, I felt dizzy and light headed this afternoon. But since 4 I've been feeling pretty good. Took the second one around 7.30ish and so far I'm ok.

So that's what, 5 possibly 6 side effects out of 11. I'll try to do better tomorrow. I'm aiming for decreased appetite and excessive sweating tonight. Wish me luck.

I saw the shrink. I don't like her.

Being a new patient I can understand coming in 15 minutes early to fill out paperwork. So when I made the appt she told me to come a little early, like 12.15. Ok. I get there, it takes me 15 minutes to complete the forms. And I wait. and wait. and wait. A woman comes in while I'm doing paper work and gets seen almost immeadiately.

Finally the door swings open and she is standing there and gives me a sharp nod of her head and turns and walks quickly down the curved hall. She doesn't wait for me, she doesn't tell me which office she's in or anything. I'm way behind her peeking in every open door (and there were alot) trying to find her. Finally I get to her office and close the door behind me since she's already at her desk. I sit down, she looks at this little grey thing and says, 'just a moment'. While I'm sitting there she calls one of her other patients and asks a few general questions and makes an appointment to see the other patient. All while I'm sitting there. She's asking a few basic questions about my therapy and medical history and her pager (the little grey thing) goes off. She looks at it and I'm thinking, 'if she returns that call, I'm outta here.' But she didn't.

She has this 'depression comes and goes in cycles and sometimes clears up on it's own' attitude and didn't seem interested in giving me anything for it and probably only considered it because I told her my counselor recommened that I be seen. She flipped closed my file and dumped it on the floor behind her and didn't say anything for several moments. I thought that was my cue to leave and was about to when she said she'd start me on Zoloft. I might get nausea she said, but tough it out unless it's really bad, then call her. So she can return my call while another patient is in the room? I got a 3 week sample kit and I go back in 3 weeks, either I stay with it, or she puts me on something else.

In a nutshell she was everything I dreaded in seeing a shrink and worse. The other shrink my insurance covers isn't practicing anymore, (at least his phone number listed now belongs to a private residence) and the closest one in the city is a 20 min drive one way and I can't afford to be away from work that long.

I scored my drugs, I guess that's all that matters.

It's not that the batteries all died at once, it's just they they died sometime over the last year and I haven't made the effort to get new ones. As of last week my watch, digital camera, cordless phone and cell phone all need new batteries. The watch I've taken care of. The two phones have working batteries but the talk time on the cordless is just over an hour and the cell about half a day on standby. I also need a new land line for the bedroom. When I talk on that one, the other person can barely hear me.

I see the shrink tomorrow at 12.15. I called this morning for directions to the office and while on hold contemplated just canceling the appointment. I've been feeling better. The last time I really cried was on the 17th when I broke down after coming back from my vacation. Of course a few tears at Dana's office but nothing since then and that's been over a week. Overall I think I'm perking up a bit, but in the back of my head I know that sooner or later I'll hit the wall again and be back to bawling for hours on end. That's the only reason I'm keeping the appt, for what could happen, not what's happening now.

I went to my parents over Memorial Day weekend. Even though I slept pretty good while I was there, Monday evening when I came home I was in bed by 8.45p and not ready at all to get up the next morning. I haven't gone to bed before the sun since I was old enough to stay up that late as a kid. I remember crying myself to sleep as a kid because there was still daylight out and I could hear the neighbor girl playing outside and mad because I had to go to bed. I vowed when I grew up, I'd never go to bed while it was still daylight. And until Monday, (with the exception of the day I had surgery and was zonked out on percocet), I kept that promise.

Oh, and Thur the 22d was the one year anniversery of my surgery too. The scar is a bit darker than my skin but you can clearly see the white lines of the incision and the six suture lines that intersect it.

How dare you, fuckhole telemarketer, to hang up on me mid-sentence after asking why i'm not interested in your product. You inconsiderate bastard never gave me a chance to tell you that I'm on the Oklahoma State Do Not Call List and you're in violation of the law by calling me.

bastard

This weeks friday five

1. What brand of toothpaste do you use?

Crest gel, either the blue or green flavored, which ever i happen to grab.

2. What brand of toilet paper do you prefer?

I prefer charmin, it's nice and soft, but buy angel soft. Around here there is almost a $2 difference between the two for a 4 pack.

3. What brand(s) of shoes do you wear?

My everyday boots are Vasque. I have Reeboc that I wear to the gym and then generic little slippers, sandles and keds for the summer.

4. What brand of soda do you drink?

Pepsi!

5. What brand of gum do you chew?

I don't chew gum. Everyonce in a while spearmint wrigleys, but very rarely.

Last week's Friday Five but I'm doing them anyway, cause I want to post but don't have anything exciting to report.

1. What drinking water do you prefer -- tap, bottle, purifier, etc.?

At home I drink from the tap. At work there are numerous water coolers around that I drink from. And on occassion I'll buy a bottle of water on my way to dance class. I don't really have a favorite and I've been known to drink warm water because it's the only thing around (in the middle of the woods) and I'm thristy.

2. What are your favorite flavor of chips?

Lay's plain chips. I'm also a big fan of crunchy cheetos.

3. Of all the things you can cook, what dish do you like the most?

Pork chops with sweet potatoes and pineapple.

4. How do you have your eggs?

fried with a soft yoke. the runnier the better, then you sop up the rest of the yoke with a piece of toast.

5. Who was the last person who cooked you a meal? How did it turn out?

Mom. She made lasagna and it was pretty good. Meant to bring the leftovers home with me, but forgot them.

My vacation was wonderful. Quiet, relaxing and besides waking up to strong as winds at 1am Friday morning and turning on the weather to hear that there are rotating clouds and possible tornado touch down in the tiny town I was staying at, things were for the most part more wonderful than I could have hoped for.

Came home Friday (through more tornado infested storms) and walked in the door at 5.15pm. Walked back out at 6p and went to my parents. A few minutes after coming home I became upset that I was home. Upset that I had cleaned and there was no familar clutter to comfort me. I broke down crying minutes after putting down my purse and I couldn't stop crying. I unpacked thinking that would keep me occupied and calm me down. It didn't help. So sobbing, I called mom and asked if I could come home. I've never called home crying before and hearing me upset her. Apartment equals depression and depression equals apartment. Probably explains why I feel a bit better when i'm out of the house.

I got to my parents house around 8.30pm, went to bed less than an hour later and slept 12 hrs. It's been a long time since I've slept that long and that heavy. Mom kept me busy either around the house or going somewhere. Sunday she told me that everyone's been worried about me and that she thinks I should see a dr. I told her that I've been going to a therapist and have an appt with a psychritrist. She seemed to feel better knowing that I've been getting help. My brother was on a mini vacation of his own as well and had gone camping but when he was home he sorta avoided me and when we were together seemed to treat me like a fragile glass vase or something. Dad did too, but not as bad. Mom however had me chopping veggies, painting the house numbers, reading and what ever else she could think of to keep me from being static for too long.

Saturday we went to Muskogee to flea market/antique shop. Mom bought me a ceramic wall pocket with violets on it and I bought myself a nearly new hardback cookbook of simple one dish meals.

I'm out in the middle of nowhere. Well, not quite nowhere, there is dial-up out here. The first day i spent outside reading or writing, moved inside when it got too hot and then back out around 4 and took a nap in the hammock. Also took my first motorcycle ride to Fairview and back. If you're ever up there, the courthouse lawn is well worth the trip. Sat outside without a shirt looked out over the lake in front of the house, and drank a whole bottle of blackberry wine. It was a small bottle from a local vinery

Day 2, cleaned the kitchen of my host, read, wrote, surfed the net a bit. Not much to do since i don't have any bookmarks up here and had to search the few I did find. Watched the moon rise over the lake while curled up in a blanket and drank a whole (small) bottle of pear wine from the same vinery. Read a good chunk of Kitchen Confidential. Damn good book. Fished at the lake behind the house.

Today is day 3. Saturday's sunburn is starting to peel. Woke up before 7 and the lakes were foggy. The lake was like glass and I stood on the deck anda watched swallows(?) skim the surface for either a drink or tiny fish at the surface. The darkness and bags under my eyes are fading, I haven't had a headache since last thur or friday. Other than the zits left over from stress and my period, my skin is looking better and seems to have a bit of color in it, (and not just from being in the sun.)

My host works during the day and last night and this evening has graduation ceremonies so he'll be in late. Twelve or more hours of solitude and quiet. Tonight is the lunar eclipse and I'll either have another bottle of wine, crab apple is left, or I'll have champagne.

Thank you, my dear S. That was very sweet of you. That made my day. xoxoxoxox

Today is my 28th birthday.

I started the day out right with a 9am bubble bath. At 10 I was in the locker room at the spa slipping into a thick soft robe for my 90, yes, 90 minute full body massage. She worked out the knots and kinks I knew I had and noted on the paper they had me fill out and found some others I didn't know I had and took care of those as well. I'd been having jaw soreness on my left side and mentioned this as she was working on the left side of my neck. I told her that it started after a dental appt and the dentist later told me it could be due to a tight neck muscle. She said that side was pretty tight. Now my tired jaw muscles are relaxed and are a bit sore from being tensed up for 3 weeks. It is so nice to drop my chin onto my chest and not have the tight muscles down my spine to my hips stretch and scream in protest.

I got my back and feet wrapped in hot towels scented with lavendar and chamomile and a herbal pillow for my eyes. The oil she used left me really soft. I declined a shower to wash it off and put up with slippery legs and squishy toes just cause I liked the way it felt. I listened to the new age-y music and imagined soft flowing colors or meadows with wildflowers to help me relax. I was offered herbal teas and cookies afterward and told I could hang out in the lounge as long as I wanted. There was a variety of high end shampoos and body washes in the shower along with hairspray, gel, and hair dryer. I was quite impressed. But then it was my first trip to a spa and when it comes to the fru-fru pamper yourself stuff, I am easily impressed.

Home for a lunch of green beans and mashed potatoes and off to therapy. Since I had a good week (one crying spell) and kept pretty busy and occupied, I didn't start crying in her office. I was afraid I would and thought of cancelling because i didn't want to get all tense again after the massage. But I stayed pretty calm. And she was pleased that I had a good week and seemed to be feeling pretty good.

Went to the bank and put some extra money on my car loan and then to the grocery and stocked up on the basics.

Saturday I sat out at the park for 3.5 hrs. I didn't think I was out there that long. Sitting by the pond gave me a pair of beet red shoulders. That night I went to the bookstore and bought Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain. Read almost half of it yesterday (while sitting inside). Quite an interesting book. Althought I think it could have been edited a bit tighter, it doesn't drag. After this, I'm going to get a Cook's Tour.

Tomorrow I'm off in search of peace and quiet.

One thing I've learned about tears:

No matter how hot the shower water is, your tears will be hotter.

Yes, the storm changed direction and Edmond was in it's path, not a direct path as it zig-zaged it's way through the city. When it was about 4 miles from here, I hunkered down in the bathtub and waited. I had a radio with me and heard that it hit a amusement park on I-35, not far from where I work. I wondered if I would have a job to go to after vacation. They said the tornado was headed north and I braced for the worse, then the power went out, taking the radio with it. I saw the lightning flashes under the door and heard hail hitting the windows.

They say it gets quiet before the tornado hits, which isn't always true since this one was rain-wrapped. They also say you never hear the one that hits you, so as long as I was hearing things, I figured I was ok. After 5 minutes the lightning had dramatically slowed down and I heard someone cough in the breezeway. So I ventured out. It had missed us by a few miles.

Called home to say I was ok, and mom picked up half way through the first ring. She said her brother in Illinios called after seeing that we were in the middle of a tornado worried and unsure of where I lived.

It's funny the things I grabbed and stuffed in a bag while getting ready to dive for cover. I got my car title, insurance papers, journal (current and past), bank papers and passport were my important stuff. Things that probably should be in a safe box at the bank. Trivial stuff included a painted wooden spoon that was a gift, a small Peruivian drum, salt crystals that I dug up, a plastic Yoda and a greeting card with two beagle puppies that I had framed and on top of my TV, a notebook of my geneology and my sewing machine. Dad had made me an emergency kit and I added to it some basic toiletries and a change of clothes, the first quilt I made and a pillow.

If I was going to be homeless, I didn't want to be homeless without those things. Most of it fit into a backpack, gym bag and my purse. The sewing machine I put next to the tub, everything else fit inside. The quilt and pillow were to protect my head and body

Afterward I lit some candles and had a bit of wine to calm down. Went to bed at midnight, the power was still out. I think it was restored around 1.30.

As the storm was coming in on the west side of town, the phone rang, thinking it was mom, I answered. It was a guy asking me to subscribe to the sunday oklahoman. I asked him where he was calling from, but didn't hear the answer since they had updated the strom path and I listened to that. I interupped him saying i'd never consider subscribing until all the gaylords were dead (one killed over 2 weeks ago) and that there was a tornado coming and hung up on him. In the heat of the moment I forgot to tell him I was on the do not call list and he was breaking state law by calling me.

It's a beautiful day out now, I'm going to the park and enjoy it for there could me more storms again tonight.

More tornados tonight a few miles west and south of where yesterday's tornados hit. I may get hit with the northern end of this storm, maybe not. It's still about 2 hrs out and could change direction. If you're gonna get hit with a supercell/tornadic storm, the north end is the best as most tornados like to form at the southwest end of the storm. But from the looks of it, it's moving more or less east and about 40-50 miles southwest of here.

It's weird to be sitting in traffic a mile from your home in a light rain with a fairly sunny sky and hear on the radio that 20 miles south people sitting in traffic are having their cars blown off the road by a tornado. Tornados suck, but at rush hour is even worse. Here in Edmond, we just caught the edge of the storm, skys weren't that dark, rain not bad and full sunshine about 30 minutes later.

Been cleaning this week. Just doing it a small area at a time. So far the kitchen, bathroom, most of the living room is done. Tomorrow I'm going to clean off the kitchen table, my computer desk and vaccuum. I even bought lilic carpet fresh powder too. I feel better. Maybe cleaning my cluttered apt will help unclutter my mind as well. It's nice to walk into the kitchen and actually see the counter.

Bought a shoe rack to put by the door since I always take my shoes off when I enter the door. (I think I was Japanese in a past life). Most of the shoes I own are thrown somewhere around the door. Bought a small table to put my plants on by the window. Now I have a clear view of the tv and not watch from between the leaves of an out of control gloxina.

I'm on vacation next week. I have a few mild and liquid plans but nothing solid yet. I do know that without a doubt it will include, quiet, nature, quiet, outdoors and quiet.

I'm taking a break from writing online for a few weeks at least. I need
to redirect my energies for a while (what little energy is left).

You probably don't want to hear about my depression and I'm tired of
writing about it, but have little else to write about.

So until something exciting happens or I've had a breakthrough of some
sort, I'll be off somewhere quiet getting my life sorted back out.