Why is the urge to spend so great when the amount of money I have is so little?

Case in point. On the first $415 is due for rent. On the third $300 is for the car. On the fifth $550 is due for insurance (for the next 6 mo so I don't have to worry about that again for a while). Added to the other regular bills, the $130 I've spent for christmas gifts and the $230 credit card bill that I wasn't expecting I'm feeling a bit of a red ink nipping at my heels.

Thankfully I think we get paid the third.

Yes, I was expecting that credit card bill. I put gasoline and the occasional meal out on my card and the bill is usually around $100-$135 a month depending on the price of gas. But I had forgot that I put some of the gifts on the card as well as groceries as well when I found myself at the store and out of checks. So when I opened it I had to sit down and wonder what the hell happened. Thankfully when the bank switched my card from visa to mastercard they also gave me 0% interest for 6 months. I think I'll take advantage of that.

I watched Lilo & Stitch last week. It made me cry when Stitch went to the jungle with the book and said 'lost.' And not just a few tears rolling down the cheek cry either. Full tilt, horrible gasping can't see through the tears bawling. I pulled myself together and was doing pretty good until Lilo is in the glass tube and says, 'don't leave me, ok?' and Stitch says, 'ok.' Yep, lost it again.

I have issues with abandonment. Big ones. But I don't know why since I've never been abandoned in my middle class average upbringing. Even going to the store, my mom told me she'd never leave me there even if she was there for hours looking for me, she'd never leave me behind.

Also rented Men in Black 2 and Ice Age. Both cute and damn funny.

It snowed yesterday most of the night and through this afternoon. Around 4.30 I went out and returned the videos I rented and picked up Gross Pointe Blank, Shawshank Redemption, and Wings of a Dove. I've been catching Shawshank on tv but it is the edited for time and content version so I don't watch it for more than a few minutes.

Hollywood Video sent me coupons for rentals. Three movies for 99 cents each per coupon, 4 coupons per mailing. So unless it's a special occasion or something I really have to see, I don't rent unless they send me coupons. I wanted to get the Sex and the City third season, but Vol 1 was rented out.

I'm staying here for Christmas day. My brother is probably snowed in at Tulsa and dad has to work. I didn't want to leave this morning because the roads are icky and I wasn't sure how long the snow would last. Thought about leaving tomorrow and just staying the day, but it'd be around 10a when i got there and I'd have to leave around 2.30p in order to make it back here before the roads refroze. No point in that. So me and my brother will be in for the weekend.

I asked for a 19" tv and nothing else. Sure hope I got it.

The last time Rex was over we were sitting on my bed and he was rubbing lotion on my back. I asked him what he wanted to do for New Years Eve. He giggled and said he was invited to an alternative lifestyles party by one of his clients. He's curious to check it out but doesn't want to go by himself. So, out of my own curiousity, I agreed to go.

Rex called me an hour ago to tell me that his divorce was final around 5p. He says that a great weight has been lifted of his shoulders. He said when he was married he'd have dreams of being single and when he woke up next to his wife he felt a great disappointment. He did sound a bit different on the phone.

Rex is the new dad of a pair of kitties. Check them out here and my naming suggestions. I'm open to other names if you have some.

Drove to work this morning in rain, less than an hour later with lighting and thunder the snow started. Electricity blinked. One woman, who's husband is a youth minister had a bolt of lighting strike not far from him as he was driving. He said he saw a white blinding flash and the song on the radio was 'Heaven's calling your name."

By 3 most depts were quickly if not totally being abandoned. So at 3.30 after doing a quick headcount of who was there and who wasn't, I left. The drive home wasn't that bad. Wet with slush at the curbs. The only problem I had was the only overpass I drive over. I take the interstate to work and backroads home. The evening traffic is scary on the interstate and the entrance ramp quickly becomes a exit only lane to the turnpike and traffic can't/won't get over a lane to let you in. So I do avoid that at 5.

Woke up this morning at 7.30. Of course it was with a great flurry of activity that I managed to get out the door and to work by 8.07. Forgot my mittens and hat too. Figured I'd have to scrap ice after work since I knew the rain would turn to snow, but nope. Just lots of heavy wet snow to brush off and have it land in splatters around my boots.

I'm not sure of the weather so don't know if I'll go home tomorrow or Christmas day. The gifts I bought were $30 gift certificates for Mom, Dad and my brother. Mom and Dad's were for Barnes and Noble. My brothers is for Sam Goody music. Since I'm a zoo member I got 25% off at the gift shop for Dec, so I bought my dad an Austrailian bush hat that snaps on the left side, and mom a meercat plush. She loves meercats. And I also bought myself one of thos bush hats too since they were $11 after the discount.

Then I mentioned the hat to mom, she said dad already had one. So unless Cam wants it, I may give it to Rex. Last month Rex took me to an abandoned house on some land his dad owns. I took some pictures for him. So I had 3 of his favorites enlarged and bought frames for them. He has this thing with old doors, so the trio of pics are of the doors he had me photograph. One of them didn't come out all that great since the light was a bit low, but it looks good.

It's 8 days before Christmas and it's 64 degrees out at 7.30pm.

I got the test results yesterday. I'll live. I know a few of you were hoping I'd be kicking off soon, sorry to disappoint you, but I'll be around for awhile longer.

To sum up, I'm at high risk for developing cervical cancer. Not anytime soon, but it's a possibility after age 35. Because of this, I'll probably have to go for a pap smear every 4 to 6 months instead of just once a year at least for a while. I go back in June to see what's been going on with the dysplasia and find out what kind, if any, treatment I'll need.

Not exactly the news I was hoping for, but at least the wait is over.

Because I'm a lot bored and a little depressed.



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* Which Tragic Shakespearean Heroin are You? *
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Thank you, Scott L for almost making me spit milk on my monitor.

Today's haiku:

Wrist hurts like hot hell
PMS wrath strikes again
I want my blankie