I must be getting old. I'm going to see Creed with Mary. She asked if I wanted her to bring earplugs. I said sure and was about to suggest it myself.

If it's too loud, you're too old.

I'm going to the Creed concert! I'm gonna see Scott Stapp. nanny, nanny, boo, boo

Look what I found in my gym shorts yesterday evening. I had picked them up from the back of my chair to put them on, then put them down to find a shirt. When I went back to get my shorts I saw what I thought was a ball of rust colored thread. I went to pick it off but then I saw it move a tiny bit. The light wasn't on, so I wasn't sure what I was looking at since it was a bit balled up.

It was passively pissed.

So I got my glass measureing cup and shook him off into it. After taking a few pictures, I dumped him in the grass...on the other side of the building.

Then I got the creepy crawlies and started shaking out everything.

Ever read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath?

I have. Once in high school and again a few years ago. The second time I read it was just before my period when I'm a basketcase and paranoid about stuff. That book only served to make me very claustrophobic. It took me two and a half days to read it and I was a mess when I was done. Well, I'm craving a re-read of it right now. For the last week or two I've been feeling the very light edge of the beginnings of a panic attack. You know where you get this darkness around you and while you can still breathe you know in the next few breaths it will become impossible. And knowing you are losing breath only makes it worse and speeds up the arrival of the attack.

Well, I've been having that forboding feeling for a while now. Figure if I read that book, it will push me over the edge, I'll break down and be done with it. Return the book to the library, have a bubble bath and all will be right in my world again.

~*~

My rent will be going up in Nov by $50 a month. I'll be buying a car between now and December. I paid cash for my purchases in Denton last weekend so I don't have to worry about that. However there is an unopened Visa bill on the counter that I'm afraid to look at. Mary called me yesterday. The Creed tickets go on sale Thursday and she wants me to buy them online since she's going to be out of town that day. I want to see Creed, I really do, but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I asked where she wanted to sit, she said she didn't care. I asked if she was on a budget she said no. Wherever you want to sit and I'll pay you back, she said. Must be nice. I don't know if I really should be going but I think of it as a treat to myself. Then I look though my checkbook registar and see all the other treats I've bought myself. Last month I spent more than I made. Thankfully I don't always note my deposits so I have a cushion there. But still.

Ray owes me over $800. I need it. He doesn't have it.

Because of him, I don't want to be nice and help out anyone ever again.

The new guy started to replace Grunt.

Grunt is planning the professional demise of the guy who fired him. I've seen the papers and he's got enough ammo to do it. Don't ever walk into a graphics dept and ask someone to fake an invoice for over $100,000. It will come back to haunt you.

Tuesday afternoon, I was experiencing a bit of tenderness along the outside of my right wrist. Didn't think anything of it and decided to tell the doctor Thursday if it was still hurting.

In my rage after the car was towed home Tuesday night, I slammed both fists into the door. Wednesday morning my right wrist was swollen and painfull. Today when I went in for my final post op appointment I asked him about it. He examined me, poked a few places that damn near made jump out of the seat and said I had tendonitis there. Offered me a perscription for a splint and said to either use my whole arm when I use the mouse or switch hands.

Well, I can't afford a splint right now and I don't know if the insurance will cover it. So I asked if a brace I bought at the drugstore would be ok. He said try it and if it is still painful in a month, to come back for the other splint. Wonderful. This is all I need.

Grunt came back from vacation on Tuesday. He was at his desk before I came in. He was fired at 5. Mike from shipping was called to escort him out. Mike is a sweetheart who's friends with Grunt and he hated having to walk him out. Mike went home and drank all the beer in the house, he was that upset.

The next day, Grunt's boss came to the dept and said, 'for some unforeseeable reason, Grunt is no longer with us.'

I didn't believe that but kept quiet. We discussed ways to change the way some things are run and bring the dept a bit closer together in cooperation. Then John said something about a Travis. "Travis? there's already someone hired?" I said immeadiatly interupting John. John had pure unadultated panic on his face. Eyes got bigger than I'd seen them and his mouth frozen open mid word. He glanced over to Carl, who's only movement was to close his eyes. "Well, Travis is one of the candidates," John tried to backpeddle.

"Yes, one of many," Carl conceded, "a very good candidate"

It all made since then. While Grunt was gone I heard Carl paged to the front at least once a day to meet with a guest.

Unforseeable, my ass.

That afternoon I invited myself to a catalog meeting with the rep from the publisher, normally Grunt's job. John is my temporary boss until the new person comes in and he knows nothing about our catalog. During the meeting I glanced over at John's notes and he had written 'Laurette and Travis' - and listed some of the things we'll be working on during catalog production.

So not only do I have to actually design the catalog pages like I've been doing the last 3 years, I also have to coordinate traffic for it as well. Also in talking to Carl I've been 'promoted' to the temporary position of traffic coordinator for the whole dept. Is there a raise in that? Hell no.

And catalog brings us around to my wrist again. The last catalog inflammed my ganglion to the point of daily pain and occassional immobilty. I'm not looking forward to another round of it.

About 30 minutes after my last post a wrecker brings the car, Ray and a $110 bill. I was mad but under control. When we get in Ray asks if he can have some milk to settle his stomach. I said sure and put my checkbook back in my purse. When I turn around he's drinking from the carton. I scream at him 'what are you doing?' and bitch slapped him. He had no idea what he did and I screamed at him about drinking from the carton.

That's when I lost it. I started screaming, threw the keys at him and hit him once or twice more. Then I kicked off one of my sandles which hit the door, flew up in the air and landed on two of my Cow Parade figurines. That only made me scream and cry more. For the first time, he actually did something right: he didn't fucking argue with me or tell me I'm over-reacting. He's very lucky he didn't get arrested and have my car impounded.

Standing behind the couch crying and with a broke cow in my hands I told the back of his head, 'i just want you out of my life.'

He did feel bad for what happened, but at the time I didn't think he did. I'm just tired of him taking advantage of me. I want my money and I want my name off that car. Maybe then I'll be able to handle him comeing around every so often.

It was after 10.30p before I ate. Then I took Ray over to an almost empty apt where he's been living for a while, he got some clothes and money. In the car he gave me $140. The $40 was for the broke cows. They are about $15 each. He has to be out of that apt by the 31st. But can't move into the studio here until Sept 30th. He's asked me several times if he could move in here. Several times I've said no. But he's stayed the night here the last 2 nights and it looks like he'll be staying again tonight. Not exactly a habit I want him getting into. Already he's used the last clean towel I have and it took everything I have not to scream at him.

As long as he doesn't talk to me, I can forget that he's here.

Who would like 'A Cup of Happiness'? I made it this evening.

~*~

Ok, for those of you who just tuned in, last summer, gee a year ago this month, I let Ray put a car he bought into my name. He's been pulled over (I think) twice before in it. He doesn't have a driver's liscense, but somehow he got off both times. Not tonight. I just got a call from him, he was pulled over somewhere on Hwy 3. I talked to the cop who said he blew past a stop sign and was going 73 in a 65. He asked me to come get the car. I have no idea where the hell he is and no one to go with me to get the car. So the cop called for the next available wrecker. In the background I'm hearing them argue about Ray driving it. Cop says no, Ray says, I'll be careful. Then Ray calls back saying it wasn't his fault.

Like I'm going to believe that.

So right now he's sitting somewhere on Hwy 3, with a cop behind him waiting for the wrecker. I told him to have the wrecker bring the car to me and I will get the key to it and it will stay parked until he finds someone else stupid enough to put their name on it.

"But I have to go to work tomorrow" he whined.

"Not my problem." I said.

A year ago, I wanted us to be at least friends. Now I just want him out of my life.

Know what pisses me off? People who use their turn signals in turn only lanes. I know you're turning, you're in a turn only lane.

Know what else pisses me off? People who don't use their turn signals in turn only lanes. Signal, damn it, don't get out of the habit of signaling just because you're in a turn only lane.

So basically it's a no win situation for the unsuspecting driver ahead of me, I'll be pissed reguardless.

Do I signal in a turn only lane? Well, that depends on whether or not I want to piss off the driver behind me who may have issues about it as well.

Well, Kevin came over and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He understood and was accepting or at least let me think he was.

~*~

Met up with Gary at the gallery. Jeff's show was wonderful. I fell in love with a sculpture that was mounted in the window. It was of a nude woman's torso with wings. The wings, although green painted metal, looked torn and ragged and there was some bits of gold mesh fabric pieces here and there and spanned at least 5 feet. Twelve hundred dollars. Well worth it, but can't afford it.

From there he followed me back to Edmond and we ate at Bennigans, rented Jackie Chan's Accidental Spy and watched it here. He needed to leave so he could check on his daughter. When he left his house he found her down the street with a small group of guys. I think he was worried that the group migrated back to his house. We kissed (and felt each other up) good night and after I walked him to his car, I said, "I'm not sure how you feel about me, but I'd like to see you more than once a month." He smiled slightly and looked down at his hands. He didn't say 'sure' but didn't say 'no thanks' either.

Well, he's had today to mull it over and I'm sure I'll get an email in the morning either saying 'fuck off' or 'how about next friday?'

Gary.

Kevin.

Two very wonderful men with lots of positive points. With each of them things have come to a point were it's either get serious or be just friends. I know how Kevin feels. I'm not sure about Gary as he is a lot more reserved. I'm leaning toward Gary because we seem to be in the same chapter a few pages apart. With Kevin, he's a whole chapter ahead and sometimes after being around him, I emotionally have to catch my breath because I feel like I could barely keep up.

I told Kevin last night that I'm torn between him and another guy. He wanted to come over tonight and I agreed. I don't think it will be pretty. Gary is to call me this evening to plan for Saturday since we're going to the art opening together. I don't know if I should ask him tonight or tomorrow where I stand with him.

I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice. No matter the choice, two people will hurt, me and whoever I relunctly let go of. I never meant for any of this to happen. I was just dating guys. A few times out and then conversation would taper off. No hurt feelings, nothing personal, we had fun but it didn't work out. Good luck. That's what I figured with these guys. I had no idea they would affect me as deeply as they have.

And that's what my icky grim task is for this weekend. To make one of three decisions. Kevin, Gary or neither. Right now, neither sounds good. I don't have to live in a world of being with one and wondering 'what if?' about the other.

If I choose neither could I keep them as friends? Probably not. I know Kevin wouldn't want it that way. Gary thinks I'm playing the field but doesn't know that I've stopped going out with other guys and am in the middle of having my heart torn in two. It would be selfish of me to want it that way. But it hasn't stopped me from asking Kevin.

It sounds like I'm keeping him on the back burner doesn't it? If I am, I'm not aware of it. My motives are just that, to keep his friendship. He doesn't want that, and I understand. It's quite a slap in the face to like someone, make your feelings known to them and then have them say 'I like this other person better, let's just be friends.'

And then there is the fear that things might not work out between me and Gary. I don't want Kevin thinking that me saying 'hi' to him online some night means I want to hook up.

I'm not looking forward to this weekend, can't we just skip it and go straight to Monday?

For the last two nights I've been getting to bed no later than 10.30p. Figured I'd toss and turn and lay there for hours but nope. I'd squirm around for a few minutes to get comfy and then I'd be out like a light. It's been easier to get out of bed in the morning and I've been feeling better in general.

Jeff's art opening is Saturday. I did the title cards for his art yesterday. He had planned on printing them out on some nice looking marble paper. It would have looked nice but he wanted to burn the edges of the cards. He told me awhile back that he would be burning the edges so I figured he'd have some brownish paper. When he showed me the marbled stuff he asked what I thought about it and would a burned edge look ok.

I think a burned edge on that paper would have looked like shit. It wouldn't have meshed with the rest of this show. And come on, burned marble??? Of course I didn't tell him that to his face. So I told him that I thought he'd be going with a brown paper, something that would look like it had been exposed to heat and singed around the edges. Thankfully he liked my idea and yesterday brought me some dark brown paper. The cards printed out nice and I'm sure when they are burned they will look a lot better.

I went to the auto parts store to get new wiper blades. The subway is next door so I stopped in to get dinner. I asked for pickles. He puts on two little ones. 'Extra pickles, please' and he puts on two more. "um, more pickles, please" He shakes his head and says "Jesus!" I was half tempted to say, "yes, this is Jesus's sandwich and he likes his pickles." But I didn't. I was starving and needed whatever energy to get home, he wasn't worth wasting what little I had left.

Stormed loud Monday morning, the weather said an up to 700 lightning strokes per 10 minutes.. Stormed even louder this morning. Started around 3am. Got up, turned off the computer and when back to bed. The lightning was like flash bulbs during an olympic awards ceremony, thunder a continous roar. One rumble of thunder overlapping the next. A few hit either in or near my complex. At 3.30 or so the power went out. I was afraid I'd oversleep so I just cat napped until 7a when I got up and took a candle lit shower. I figure the power was restored around 9.30 this morning.

Weird. This morning there was a flash of light and a crack of thunder at the exact same time just feet outside my window. I never flinched. But close a door and I jump out of my skin.

Corvettes are kinda like chips, you don't see just one.

Coming home from dance this afternoon and was driving up May Street instead of taking I44 home. I saw a dark green one, a dark red one, and a yellow one. Then on Memorial I saw a black one.

Just came back from eating dinner at the IHoP and saw a grey one in the left hand turn lane.

Just got back from the gym. There was a woman there who was carrying around a spray bottle and rag. At first I thought she was an employee cleaning the equipment since I was there just before close. Then I noticed that she wasn't wearing the employee shirt and would work out on the machine after she cleaned it off. But she wouldn't re-clean it after she was done. And she only cleaned the seat, not the handles. Which, if I was germ-phobic, the handles would be the first thing I would clean.

Well, I put in a script that allows comments. Special thanks to http://netcomments.co.uk.

Don't just sit there, go see if it works!!! Let me know what you think.

In email I complimented Gary on his, um, endowment that I had the privilege of gathering tactile reconnaissance on. That night I made a noise of approval when I touched him to which he apologically responded, 'it's not all the way there.' And my next thought was, 'just exactly how much further can it go?', it seemed more than substansial through his jeans.

So in my email I said that I was half tempted to defrock him and see exactly what he had to offer. To which he responded:

"when it's all the way there - it doesn't lay over at all. Steel pipe, just like a 16 year old (only add 16 years experience)"

Of course I read this early in the day and the mental image it conjured up provided many hours of distraction since then and many more to cum I'm sure.

This will be interesting if I'm ever with him sexually. He was with his ex for 14 years before breaking up 2 years ago. Although I've never asked him about his relationships in those last two years (other than the attempted one night stand where he couldn't get it up), I'm guessing there weren't any based on conversations. At least nothing romantic, sexually I don't know. But I have the strong impression that she was his one and only. Never in a million years will I ever ask a guy (again anyway) how many women he's been with, so I'm guessing here.

Well, I'm off to fantasize about .... steel pipes....

Yep, Kevin went on vacation and didn't tell me. Well, not really a vacation, just a leave to take care of stuff.

Over the weekend I bought some used cds. One of them was Suzanne Vega's 99.9F. That's a good cd. My favorites are "Blood Makes Noise," "99.9F" (the whole reason I bought the cd to begin with) "If You Were In My Movie" and "Fat Man & Dancing Girl"

Also bought the Godsmack cd with "VooDoo" on it, Suzanne Vega's Solitude Standing and the Last of the Mohicans Soundtrack. Almost bought a Rob Zombie cd at the same time I was bought a Vega cd. But considering I was dressed in a sorta bellydance costume since I had just got out of dance class, but figured the combonation of the dress and music choice would make the clerks head explode. Plus the used cd store only had new copies of the Zombie cd I wanted and there was only one song I was buying it for I decided to wait until I heard the whole cd.

Well. I guess Kevin is history. Or he went on vacation and didn't tell me.

I have a headache and I never got around to getting milk. Did, however, do a load of laundry so the evening wasn't a complete waste.

If they could develop a chicken that lays already cooked eggs, I would be a happy camper.

After work Friday I had a date with Gary. Since I was going to the resturant straight after work I wore a white tee shirt and my 501 (which I consider perfect casual date attire). Well, Carl came into the office and asked if any help could be spared for shipping since they are behind again. The other two were on deadline and he never mentioned me. Normally I volunteer for that but I get grungy working in shipping so I didn't say anything either. After Carl left Grant said I could go back there if I wanted.

"No, I'm wearing white and I have a date right after work."

"Well tell Kevin you'll ride around in his vette a bit later so you can clean up."

"Kevin is the lawyer, Alan drives the vette and Gary is my date tonight."

He never mentioned anything more about it.

Dinner with Kevin went well. He ended up staying over. Nothing happened, we just cuddled... for real, I promise...don't look at me like that.

Dinner at Appleby's went well with Gary. It's getting easier and easier to get him and keep him talking. We talked Thursday night on the phone to arrange a time and he was very talkative. He told me then that Morgan, his 14 yr old daughter, is moving back here Sunday which is today. Her mom moved them to California back in April when Gary was on vacation for his birthday. He never got to tell her goodbye. Anyway, she's miserable and is coming home. I knew she would be back but figured it would be later in the month, closer to when school starts, or right after school starts.

So he's stressed out about that. He hasn't really talked to her much in the 2 1/2 yrs since she and her mom moved out. He's not quite sure of how things will adjust and work out.

After dinner we checked out movies at 3 different places but either the start times were after 9.30 or sold out. So I suggested renting something and watching it at my place since he lives on the Southside. He watches a lot of movies so it was hard to find something we both haven't seen. Finally I said, "Wanna see Snatch?"

"Sure. Could you repeat that in a recorder later. It isn't often I'm asked that."

Gary isn't really a touchy feely person but when I walked him out he shyly touched me and then didn't want to move his hands. He wasn't pawing at me, just putting his hands at my waist or hips and keeping them there. He was so sweet and shy when he leaned toward me for a kiss it just melted my heart.

Alan traded his '99 red corvette he bought this past New Year's Eve for a '02 blue corvette. He wanted red but all they had was blue. Pretty blue too, he posted a pic of it on his website. I didn't know they made blue corvettes. I've seen red, black, yellow, grey and white. But never blue. Those yellow and white ones are sweet.

Ok, if you are going to post a singles ad online with a picture, please keep these few things in mind. I have seen all of these in case you think I made these up.

1. Don't post a picture of yourself with your face buried in the very ample bosom(s) of some chick(s).

2. Don't post a picture of yourself in a tux cheek to cheek with someone who looks like a bride or prom date. Even if it is your sister, crop her out.

3. If you want to show your bare chest, that's fine, don't do it surrounded by a whole bunch of prom dresses in what looks like a dressing room.

4. If you want to show off your uniform, please make sure there isn't a Raggedy Ann doll sitting on the little table next to you. This brings to mind some sort of sick shit you play with your daughter.

5. Group shots are discouraged unless you look drastically different from the others. Being a 5'10" blond in a group of 5'10" blonds doesn't help.

I can't speak for all women but these are some things I enjoy seeing:

Men pictured with their pets, musical instrument or other hobby of choice or on a motorcycle (not by it, on it). Casual clothing is good, nothing ripped, torn, dirty or obscene. Bonus points for nice jeans and a white or black plain tee or denim shirt . A nicely lit photo is best, preferably outdoors and bonus if it is in some foreign land. Double bonus if it is a country I haven't been to. Triple bonus if it is somewhere in Ireland. Automatic marriage proposal if it is County Donegal.

And always make sure it's in focus.

That concludes today's lesson on online dating.