Ever read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath?

I have. Once in high school and again a few years ago. The second time I read it was just before my period when I'm a basketcase and paranoid about stuff. That book only served to make me very claustrophobic. It took me two and a half days to read it and I was a mess when I was done. Well, I'm craving a re-read of it right now. For the last week or two I've been feeling the very light edge of the beginnings of a panic attack. You know where you get this darkness around you and while you can still breathe you know in the next few breaths it will become impossible. And knowing you are losing breath only makes it worse and speeds up the arrival of the attack.

Well, I've been having that forboding feeling for a while now. Figure if I read that book, it will push me over the edge, I'll break down and be done with it. Return the book to the library, have a bubble bath and all will be right in my world again.

~*~

My rent will be going up in Nov by $50 a month. I'll be buying a car between now and December. I paid cash for my purchases in Denton last weekend so I don't have to worry about that. However there is an unopened Visa bill on the counter that I'm afraid to look at. Mary called me yesterday. The Creed tickets go on sale Thursday and she wants me to buy them online since she's going to be out of town that day. I want to see Creed, I really do, but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I asked where she wanted to sit, she said she didn't care. I asked if she was on a budget she said no. Wherever you want to sit and I'll pay you back, she said. Must be nice. I don't know if I really should be going but I think of it as a treat to myself. Then I look though my checkbook registar and see all the other treats I've bought myself. Last month I spent more than I made. Thankfully I don't always note my deposits so I have a cushion there. But still.

Ray owes me over $800. I need it. He doesn't have it.

Because of him, I don't want to be nice and help out anyone ever again.