IM'd Rex last night. Spoke with him for the first time in a week. He's ok he says. He was very appreciative of the time I gave him. I'm guessing he either still hasn't figured out what he wants or he doesn't have the spine to tell me that he wants to date around. I'm tempted to say it for him, but he needs to grow that spine, this will be a good learning experience for him. Said he knows it's not fair to keep me hanging but it's also not fair to me if he is in a pretend relationship.

Asked to see me sometime this week, but he didn't know when.

Me and Rex are on rocky roads right now and it's tearing me up inside. He said that he want's to date others but at the same time be with me. I told him to do what makes him happy and if that means dating others, then he's free to go. I don't want to make him stay with me and feel bitter and resentful. He told me he didn't expect to meet anyone like me so soon after his divorce. He's had a few casual dinners with other women the in the last few months but he never saw them again. He didn't feel the connection that he felt with me at the end of our first date.

This conversation was Saturday night. Sunday we were both a mess and I left his house around 2.30. We didn't talk, email or im until I sent him an email this morning that said only 'hi'. He emails me back this afternoon asking twice if i was ok and that he's had headaches since Sunday and that he's confused.

I've been doing ok. Sunday night when I got home was the worst. I wrote him a letter detailing my thoughts and feelings of the past 24 hours. Monday I was feeling angry and wrote him another letter explaining why I was angry. Neither I have sent, probably never will. Monday night I sat down and wrote over 20 pages in my paper journal. Filled it up. Tonight I will go shopping for a new one.

I was listening to National Public Radio this afternoon and a guy comes on saying that we're not too happy with the Canadians right now because they haven't offered their troops or otherwise any help with our war. Said that if the tables were turned, we'd be there in a heartbeat to support them if they'd gone over there. I've never been to Canada, and have only met (knowlingly) three Canadians in person and they just don't strike me as the type that would be picking a fight with anyone.

If I had a mask it would be the color of the wall
the wall would be cream with lavender teardrops
the teardrops would be plentiful
leaving little puddles on my shoulders, at my feet
bright light
dim light
my mask would be the color of the wall
hiding my own lavender teardrops

I've learned how to do camels in my Tuesday dance class. Camels are those belly ripples bellydancers do. Right now I can only make mine go from top to bottom. I can do them in place and sorta walk frontward and backwards with them. I tried to do them going sideways, but ended up looking like a limping flamingo during a mating dance. I haven't told anyone else that I'm taking lessons from a different instructor. My camels, though looking better, are a bit lopsided and I lean a bit when I do them, resulting in a pulled muscle in my back that takes me about a week to recover from, then I'm back to pulling it again.

Raquel tells me that I'm improving and lets me know when I've done a move right as I'm dancing. Something Delphi never really does. I need those postive words. Delphi will tell us as a group that we're doing good, but until we all are doing good she doesn't have much to say to us individually.

~*~

Leave the Dixie Chicks chick alone. If she's ashamed of being from the same state as the pussy prez, then i'm ashamed to be from a state that borders his. I'm not for this war nor I'm not supportive of our uneloquent prez. I do support our troops and wish them all a safe and quick return home.

I think this guy has a bit too much time on his hands. He's also selling the end result. Hopefuly the pages won't be stuck together.

I did my taxes over the weekend. Since I file the EZ form, I'm eligible for teletax. Got both state and federal filed in one phone call and 20 minutes. I had the $29 dollars I owed the state automatically withdrawn today and my federal refund will be deposited sometime next week I'm guessing.

Paperless taxes, it's a good thing.

Last week in Delphi's class Beth was super quiet. Made me wonder what was wrong, but if I asked, she'd probably never shut up, so I kept my mouth closed. Well, today she came with a new hair cut and a determination to make up for the lost words of last week.

It was rather humorous that she was telling the new people to slow down when she herself was dancing at double time. Telling them to relax their hands when hers were frozen in this claw shape that a crowbar wouldn't budge. Delphi lets her lead the class for part of the hour and I think it's going to her head.

I flip flop between feeling bad about seeking out and going to other dance studios without telling anyone, but then when I'm in class and doing my millionth hip circle I realize that if I want to learn other moves, I have to go somewhere else.

Beth and Sue both seemed to 'helpfully' gang up on Leah, the cute little just-turned-15 yr old Jewish girl. Telling her she was going in the wrong direction when she wasn't and getting her confused. At one point Delphi was watching the newbies and calling out which direction they should go to. Beth was dancing with them since she knew the move and they could watch her. The rest of us sat off to the side.

Delphi called out 'side' and almost at the same time Beth and Sue both told Leah that she was going in the wrong direction. That was the second time in 10 minutes that Sue that 'corrected' Leah when infact she was right on with her moves. After the second time Leah shot Sue a glance that would have wilted a cactus. And inside I was thinking, 'you go, girl.'

That's another reason, Beth and Sue acting like they know all about bellydance and correcting people. My peeve is that when (usually) Beth does something wrong, she won't be corrected, but if one of the newbies does the same thing, Delphi corrects them and not Beth. Sue uses too much of her shoulders, and at times remindes me of a gay guy running through tires during football practice.

No, I shouldn't feel bad about taking lessons elsewhere. At least now, I'm learning something.

It's at least 70 wonderful, beautiful springlike degrees out there. I'm inside on a pee and online comic break before I head back out. I'm sitting out there reading The Partner by Grisham. Rex lent it to me. He likes Grisham's books, says he 'feels our pain in being a lawyer'.

Tomorrow I think it'll be in the 40s, but right now I have the windows open getting fresh air in here and am wearing shorts.

Did laundry this morning too. Usually Saturday mornings are pretty busy at the laundry room, but I guess today's beauiful weather has people in the park instead of hauling laundry around. No one was in there and I had all the washers and dryers to myself mah-ha-ha-ha!It's amazing that almost 6 loads of laundry can be condensed into 4 when there's a shortage of detergent. Put in 2 dryer sheets with my towels. mmm, soft, fluffy and waterfall fresh!

Last night I went to a different bellydance class. The instrutor is Raquel, she was born in Spain and raised in Egypt. She's been bellydancing since she was a little girl and has danced professionally throughout the Middle East since adulthood as well as some modeling. She asked where I had danced before and when I told her, she laughed and said she's been getting lots of students from that studio. Mostly flaminco students. "I don't ask for them, they just come." she said in a heavily accented voice.

I'm getting bored in Delphi's class. She doesn't show us anything new. Beth and Sue have been there for almost 3 yrs and I know what they know. They seem happy, so does Cynthia who's been with us for almost a year. But I'm bored and I want to learn new moves. I learned more in one hour with Raquel than I have in the last 6 months with Delphi. I'll probably continue going to Delphi's class since I'm in her troupe and I do feel a bit of loyalty there. Misplaced loyalty probably, it seems that when I'm outside the studio with them and we're out as a group, I feel more tolerated than welcomed. But I'll at least stick around until she gets someone else trained to dance my spot in the Desert Rose routine so I don't leave her hanging.

~*~

Rex is about to have his truck repossessed since he's defaulted on a loan where the truck was used as collateral. He took the loan out at a bank in Tulsa when he was still living with his wife. He doesn't know I know this though.