Why do I fucking do this to myself? Why do I insist on picking at a wound that has been doing a good job healing on it's own and pretty much done healing? I figured to help the healing I would delete his old emails. There were a few I wanted to keep, like the ones telling me my strengths and postives when I was having a bad day, or a silly email about a topless photo of myself being bad for my image if I ever ran for public office.
But in the course of scanning over these emails, I saw the evolution of our relationship of 9 months condensed into 1.5 hours of reading. I went from being very guarded and reserved to open in telling him the feelings I had for him. Then a few awkward emails about the demise of our romantic relationship. Maybe this can work. My emails seemed to border on the desperate and foolish. It hurt to read through them. I re-lived it and wished I hadn't.
But I felt I needed to delete those emails. The pain of deleting them will never be as bad as the pain of keeping them. Reminding me of what was, making me dream about what could have been, tempting me with the possibility of a reunion.
But I know that would be the biggest mistake. I know he doesn't want me as a girlfriend anymore. I've met Scott and things are going nicely between us. What me and Scott have is at a fragile and precious place right now and nothing will make me put that on the line.
I wish now that I had deleted everything without reading through it. But I doubt I'll ever regret deleting them.
Monday, December 08, 2003
Monday, December 01, 2003
Thanksgiving
I went home Thursday for Thanksgiving. Just stayed the day and came back that night. Mom and dad wanted me to stay the whole weekend, but I knew I couldn't handle it. Plus I had a date Friday with a guy in the Navy. I've dated Scott a few other times and he is fun to hang out with. We went to Wichita last week to see a Charles Shultz Peanuts exhibit. It was neat to see how Charlie Brown looked when the strip was new.
Friday I went over in the afternoon and he took me to the base to show me around where he works and the planes he works on. There were a few out there and he opened one up and took me around inside it. I got to sit in the cockpit and fight the urge to push buttons and flip switches. Then we wandered the mall and he bought rats to feed his snake. I had never seen a snake eat so it was cool to watch them bite, constrict and then swallow it. The little pooch in their body moved down several inches to the stomach. Then they curled up and had a nap.
I stayed the night Friday and got up at 5 Saturday morning and we went to Eureka Springs, Arkansas to see the Cosmic Caves near there. It's a 5 hour drive one way. His mother and sister live in the area. He suggested we go there Friday night and stay over, but I wasn't comfortable with that idea. I'm sure his mom is a wonderful person, but meeting her this soon kinda weirded me out. So he nixed that idea and we planned to stay in Eureka Saturday night and leave Sunday morning.
But after seeing the cave and wandering a damn big antique mall we decided to come back here Saturday night. I stayed that night as well. Sunday we had breakfast at IHOP and then went to a metaphysical faire. I bought my brother a small crystal skull for christmas there.
Several vendors there I remember seeing at UEA in Sept and have also visited their shops here in town. One woman cornered us and not only was she a close talker but she had rotting front teeth and her breath was enough to make a vulture gag. Scott slipped past me and went to look at some books leaving me there about to faint from holding my breath.
~*~
In other news, when dad asked me what I wanted for christmas I said 'cash or help with a downpayment on a house' Dad asked me lots of questions about what I want in a house, about what the lender told me, what the buyer's agent told me and decided that I was doing my research and wouldn't be taken advantage of. Mom had very little to say. I finally came out and asked her if she thought this was a bad idea. She said it was my decision to make, she would support what ever decision I made but would otherwise remain neutral on the issue.
The shrink doubled the dosage of my antidepressants a few months ago. They are finally kicking in and I'm feeling better. I'm down to once every 3 or 4 weeks with therapy. Was supposed to go today, but she called me Sunday and said she was sick and couldn't see me and rescheduled for next monday.
Friday I went over in the afternoon and he took me to the base to show me around where he works and the planes he works on. There were a few out there and he opened one up and took me around inside it. I got to sit in the cockpit and fight the urge to push buttons and flip switches. Then we wandered the mall and he bought rats to feed his snake. I had never seen a snake eat so it was cool to watch them bite, constrict and then swallow it. The little pooch in their body moved down several inches to the stomach. Then they curled up and had a nap.
I stayed the night Friday and got up at 5 Saturday morning and we went to Eureka Springs, Arkansas to see the Cosmic Caves near there. It's a 5 hour drive one way. His mother and sister live in the area. He suggested we go there Friday night and stay over, but I wasn't comfortable with that idea. I'm sure his mom is a wonderful person, but meeting her this soon kinda weirded me out. So he nixed that idea and we planned to stay in Eureka Saturday night and leave Sunday morning.
But after seeing the cave and wandering a damn big antique mall we decided to come back here Saturday night. I stayed that night as well. Sunday we had breakfast at IHOP and then went to a metaphysical faire. I bought my brother a small crystal skull for christmas there.
Several vendors there I remember seeing at UEA in Sept and have also visited their shops here in town. One woman cornered us and not only was she a close talker but she had rotting front teeth and her breath was enough to make a vulture gag. Scott slipped past me and went to look at some books leaving me there about to faint from holding my breath.
~*~
In other news, when dad asked me what I wanted for christmas I said 'cash or help with a downpayment on a house' Dad asked me lots of questions about what I want in a house, about what the lender told me, what the buyer's agent told me and decided that I was doing my research and wouldn't be taken advantage of. Mom had very little to say. I finally came out and asked her if she thought this was a bad idea. She said it was my decision to make, she would support what ever decision I made but would otherwise remain neutral on the issue.
The shrink doubled the dosage of my antidepressants a few months ago. They are finally kicking in and I'm feeling better. I'm down to once every 3 or 4 weeks with therapy. Was supposed to go today, but she called me Sunday and said she was sick and couldn't see me and rescheduled for next monday.
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