Ahhh, the sounds of summer. The dry chirp of the cicada, which I seem to be the only one on Earth that enjoys the sounds of. Then there is the sound of air conditioners which I can't stand. The screaming kids splashing water at each other, that I can tolerate in doses. I was very thankful when the managment made it a rule that one one under 16 was allowed at the pool after 9. Of course it was too dark to read by then, but it was at least quiet.

I got to draw in therapy today. Some sort of Maori thing. I drew a snake, bird, butterfly, mountain, flower, path, tree and shelter. I have to hang it up somewhere and look at it then take it back next week and we'll go over the meanings. Since I like to be creative and I don't have an outlet for it at work, she thinks doing something creative will help.

I've been keeping in touch with Rex off and on since March. Just the occasional email or phone call. I sent him an im Wednesday after work asking how much he was familiar with a certain legal topic. I didn't expect him to im back right then but he did. We chatted and he said that day was the birthday of the Russian kid he's hosting. Said he might be coming into the city and did I want to come along. I said sure.

A few hours later he calls and says he's an hour out from me and he has with him his secretary, C who is also celebrating her birthday, and C's best friend K. They pick me up and we head out to this sushi place on Reno just east of Meridian. On the drive out there C tells me she had a boob job 2 weeks ago, a birthday/divorce present to herself. It was 9.40 when he got there and the place closed at 10. As we were walking across the parking lot, Rex came up behind me and took my hand. That really surprised me, I wasn't expecting that at all.

In the middle of dinner C, who has had nothing to drink, decides to show everyone at the table her new boobs. We're the only customers there and all the staff is in the back. Up comes the top, open comes the bra, a front latched sports bra. Her boobs aren't really that pretty. The bruising was gone but they looked terribly and unnaturally round and solid. The staff came out a bit later with icecream for the birthday people and she gave them an encore and recieved a standing ovation.

Then it was time for some clubbin'. We went down the street a few blocks to Night Trips. A strip club. Women get in free when accompanied by a guy. So Rex only paid two cover charges. It was the Russian boy's 21st birthday and he had left his ID at Rex's. Rex leans over the counter and says to the guy that it's his 21st birthday, he forgot his ID and he was a lawyer representing him on a case. The guy lets him in. Russian boy worked as a bartender in a strip club when he was 19.

Rex told K that she had to earn her beer money by tipping the girls. He bought me and C a lap dance. I asked her the policy on touching. She said I couldn't touch but I could graze my hands 'accidently.' She was incredably soft and smelled so pretty. Afterward I asked her what she was wearing, gardenia lilly from Bath and Body Works. I thanked her and she gave me a hug.

Rex bought Russian boy a showtime. Several times Rex would put his arm around me or once when I was touching my hair that's in a bun, he was touching my hand at the same time. At one point he asked what would I be doing if he hadn't invited me out with them. I said probably doing laundry and then maybe hanging out with this guy I had been hanging out with a bit lately. As I'm telling him this, not thinking he'd give a rat's ass, he wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me closer and holds me tight to him with both arms like I'm going to run away or something.

I'm thinking, what the hell? You cheated on me, now things are over between us, we're hanging out at friends and you seem a bit jealous when I talk casually about another guy?

We kissed for quite a while when he walked me to my door and said he wished he had come seperatly instead of all together in one car. Then Thursday he im's me thanking me for an interesting and different night out. And says he wishes 'we had more time last night'.

I'm confused.

THen Rob comes over Thursday night unexpected. He's at the OU medical library studing for his boards and needed a place to crash. I know from past conversation that Rob wants to marry a good little catholic girl who will stay at home and raise their 4 or 5 kids. He's not having any luck because lately he's been dating other medical students. Like a woman is going to waste all that time and money on medical school to become a baby producing doormat. No Thank You.

Then he asks about us maybe becoming occasional lovers. I told him, that maybe two or three years ago, I would have been agreeable to that, but now, I want a relationship that includes deep caring/love, committment, loyalty, kindness, humor, etc. All the stuff that comes with a long term relationship. Not something you care about in a fuck buddy.

"Well, I hope you find someone like that. I'll be very happy for you when you do."

Earlier in the evening we had been talking about bad girls and good girls. Guys fuck bad girls but marry good girls said Rob. I guess he sees me as a bad girl because I go to strip clubs, have a pierced nose, am craveing a tattoo and have other enjoyments and interests that supposedly 'good girls' don't have.

Bastard.

I called the shrink's office Monday to see if my zoloft had been called in. The nit-twit receptionist didn't know and then tried to make out like it was my fault that the messages I left were lost or not given to the dr. Twat.

I did finally get my meds. I took off Monday afternoon from work and got a few things done that have been on my mind lately. One of them was seeing about getting my car loan refinanced. The lowest interest I could get was 6.25% and that's only if I have perfect credit. I did take some money out of my savings that is currently earning .5% and opened an account that has 1.21% intrest. Not too much more, but when I called around some banks were only giving .2%. The cd's aren't that much better.

I'm thinking about buying into some more mutual funds and maybe some stocks. I have a 401k, but almost since the day I started it, I've been losing money.

I work in the hobby industry and for the last few weeks, I've been keeping my ears open and asking the occassional 'casual' question and I've discovered that through my employer I have connections to a fabric manufacter and if I submit artwork and it is accepted, I could license it and have my own line of fabric printed. That of course is a 'if' as big as Texas.

I need to think more positive. That 'if' is as big as New York, but smaller than Texas. Yes, much better.

I'm taking an applique class at the local quilt store, I may just 'casually' ask the women what they think is missing in the current selection of quilt fabrics that is out there. Isn't that the first rule of business and marketing? Find what's missing and give it to them. Find a niche and fill it? Is there a certain something you would like to see?

Something to think about now that I feel like thinking again.

If ya'll have an idea, let me know.

Tuesday around lunch I called the shrink and asked for a refill on my zoloft. The receptionist took a message and said sure. Wednesday after work I stopped by the pharmacy thinking Tuesday noon through Wednesday at 5 is enough time to call in a refill. Wrong. I called when I got home and left a message. The receptionist called back Thursday morning asking me to return her call. Well, I didn't get the message until I got home and the office was closed. Called and left another message.

This morning I called the pharmacy, still no meds. I called the shrinks office and was immeadiatly put to voicemail. I left a message. At lunch I went to the office, the door was locked but some woman let me in. She said she'd take a message and page the shrink right away. At 5 I called the pharmacy again and still no meds. I have one pill left for tomorrow morning. I guess I could split it and take half tomorrow and the other half Sunday. And hope like hell I get a refill Monday.

I have therapy Monday, I guess I could just take the afternoon off and park myself in the shrink's waiting room until I get my meds.

Three and a half days should be plenty notice. How fucking long does it take to call it in?

Jerry Springer is running for Congress. Didn't he write a hot check to a hooker when he was mayor of Cincinnati?

Not much going on. I've been casually hanging out with a guy from work, Tom, who rides a bike. Sometimes he'll pick me up and we'll go somewhere. I like second gear.

Another friend, Rob, recently graduated med school. I was on the phone with him the other night and he said that he scored some free samples of Viagra at a hospital he's working at. He wants to try them out but doesn't have a girlfriend right now. I said when he comes up at the end of August to bring them and we can try them. I've been curious about viagra altered sex. I don't think he believes me though. He told me that I'm a very unique kisser and that my lips are like butter. I'm guessing that's a compliment.

Been feeling better overall. Last week was pretty rough, I didn't sleep well and was tired all the time. I'm finally able to sleep most of the night and not wake up as often. I've been having some weird dreams too. It's been years since I've dreamed this much. About every other morning I'll wake up and remember one or two dreams. My therapist was on vacation last week and I go back tomorrow. I need to take my jounal and let her see it. The last few weeks have been very up and down emotionally.

Well, another week away from the computer and not much has been going on.

My therapy appt was moved from Monday to Wednesday of next week, but I may have to cancel as my car insurance is due this month. I pay it every six months and this time the amount due is more that my last paycheck. So I have that as well as regular bills. By the time everything clears I'll have $150 in the bank to get me through the next two weeks.

Mom came up Friday afternoon. We went to Gutherie (she bought me a full tank of gas for a 30 mile round trip) and checked out several antique shops there. Gutherie has a very beautiful downtown. We watched the fireworks at UCO campus and it took us 45 minutes to drive the 3/4 mile back to my apt. I would have walked if it had just been me, but since mom had been walking all around Gutherie and a few other stores we went to, I didn't know if she could make it.

She stayed at the hotel across the street and we both slept late. I went through the Gazette Friday and tore out ads for some interesting unique little shops around here to check out. I took her to the new Hobby Lobby on Danforth that opened last weekend and the new quilt shop. There is a new Hancocks Fabrics opening here too, but driving by it, we couldn't tell if they were open for business or just stocking.

Around 3.30 she left to head home. I was probably already asleep before she left the gas station down the road. Slept for an hour and a half and it did me good. I don't really mind the heat we have here in the summer, but I do forget how much it takes out of a person when they are running around in it. How outdoor workers can do it, I don't know. Ya get used to it I guess.

I've been working on and off this week on a hand quilting a wall hanging. It is of a bundle of wheat and I framed it with a ribbon border. I already had some sage green fabric that I thought would look good with the design quilted in white. The tips of my first and second finger of my right hand are all chewed up from the needle pricking me. It's the only way to feel and make sure the needle has gone all the way through. Some can use a leather thimble but when I tried I kept wanting to sew the leather to the back.

I also finished Kitchen Confidential and bought A Cook's Tour and finished that in a week. Both are by Anthony Bourdain and I highly recommend Kitchen Confidential. The second one is good too, however it lacked a sense of continuity. A few days ago I started The Neverending Story. I'll let you know if it ends.