Why is the urge to spend so great when the amount of money I have is so little?

Case in point. On the first $415 is due for rent. On the third $300 is for the car. On the fifth $550 is due for insurance (for the next 6 mo so I don't have to worry about that again for a while). Added to the other regular bills, the $130 I've spent for christmas gifts and the $230 credit card bill that I wasn't expecting I'm feeling a bit of a red ink nipping at my heels.

Thankfully I think we get paid the third.

Yes, I was expecting that credit card bill. I put gasoline and the occasional meal out on my card and the bill is usually around $100-$135 a month depending on the price of gas. But I had forgot that I put some of the gifts on the card as well as groceries as well when I found myself at the store and out of checks. So when I opened it I had to sit down and wonder what the hell happened. Thankfully when the bank switched my card from visa to mastercard they also gave me 0% interest for 6 months. I think I'll take advantage of that.

I watched Lilo & Stitch last week. It made me cry when Stitch went to the jungle with the book and said 'lost.' And not just a few tears rolling down the cheek cry either. Full tilt, horrible gasping can't see through the tears bawling. I pulled myself together and was doing pretty good until Lilo is in the glass tube and says, 'don't leave me, ok?' and Stitch says, 'ok.' Yep, lost it again.

I have issues with abandonment. Big ones. But I don't know why since I've never been abandoned in my middle class average upbringing. Even going to the store, my mom told me she'd never leave me there even if she was there for hours looking for me, she'd never leave me behind.

Also rented Men in Black 2 and Ice Age. Both cute and damn funny.

It snowed yesterday most of the night and through this afternoon. Around 4.30 I went out and returned the videos I rented and picked up Gross Pointe Blank, Shawshank Redemption, and Wings of a Dove. I've been catching Shawshank on tv but it is the edited for time and content version so I don't watch it for more than a few minutes.

Hollywood Video sent me coupons for rentals. Three movies for 99 cents each per coupon, 4 coupons per mailing. So unless it's a special occasion or something I really have to see, I don't rent unless they send me coupons. I wanted to get the Sex and the City third season, but Vol 1 was rented out.

I'm staying here for Christmas day. My brother is probably snowed in at Tulsa and dad has to work. I didn't want to leave this morning because the roads are icky and I wasn't sure how long the snow would last. Thought about leaving tomorrow and just staying the day, but it'd be around 10a when i got there and I'd have to leave around 2.30p in order to make it back here before the roads refroze. No point in that. So me and my brother will be in for the weekend.

I asked for a 19" tv and nothing else. Sure hope I got it.

The last time Rex was over we were sitting on my bed and he was rubbing lotion on my back. I asked him what he wanted to do for New Years Eve. He giggled and said he was invited to an alternative lifestyles party by one of his clients. He's curious to check it out but doesn't want to go by himself. So, out of my own curiousity, I agreed to go.

Rex called me an hour ago to tell me that his divorce was final around 5p. He says that a great weight has been lifted of his shoulders. He said when he was married he'd have dreams of being single and when he woke up next to his wife he felt a great disappointment. He did sound a bit different on the phone.

Rex is the new dad of a pair of kitties. Check them out here and my naming suggestions. I'm open to other names if you have some.

Drove to work this morning in rain, less than an hour later with lighting and thunder the snow started. Electricity blinked. One woman, who's husband is a youth minister had a bolt of lighting strike not far from him as he was driving. He said he saw a white blinding flash and the song on the radio was 'Heaven's calling your name."

By 3 most depts were quickly if not totally being abandoned. So at 3.30 after doing a quick headcount of who was there and who wasn't, I left. The drive home wasn't that bad. Wet with slush at the curbs. The only problem I had was the only overpass I drive over. I take the interstate to work and backroads home. The evening traffic is scary on the interstate and the entrance ramp quickly becomes a exit only lane to the turnpike and traffic can't/won't get over a lane to let you in. So I do avoid that at 5.

Woke up this morning at 7.30. Of course it was with a great flurry of activity that I managed to get out the door and to work by 8.07. Forgot my mittens and hat too. Figured I'd have to scrap ice after work since I knew the rain would turn to snow, but nope. Just lots of heavy wet snow to brush off and have it land in splatters around my boots.

I'm not sure of the weather so don't know if I'll go home tomorrow or Christmas day. The gifts I bought were $30 gift certificates for Mom, Dad and my brother. Mom and Dad's were for Barnes and Noble. My brothers is for Sam Goody music. Since I'm a zoo member I got 25% off at the gift shop for Dec, so I bought my dad an Austrailian bush hat that snaps on the left side, and mom a meercat plush. She loves meercats. And I also bought myself one of thos bush hats too since they were $11 after the discount.

Then I mentioned the hat to mom, she said dad already had one. So unless Cam wants it, I may give it to Rex. Last month Rex took me to an abandoned house on some land his dad owns. I took some pictures for him. So I had 3 of his favorites enlarged and bought frames for them. He has this thing with old doors, so the trio of pics are of the doors he had me photograph. One of them didn't come out all that great since the light was a bit low, but it looks good.

It's 8 days before Christmas and it's 64 degrees out at 7.30pm.

I got the test results yesterday. I'll live. I know a few of you were hoping I'd be kicking off soon, sorry to disappoint you, but I'll be around for awhile longer.

To sum up, I'm at high risk for developing cervical cancer. Not anytime soon, but it's a possibility after age 35. Because of this, I'll probably have to go for a pap smear every 4 to 6 months instead of just once a year at least for a while. I go back in June to see what's been going on with the dysplasia and find out what kind, if any, treatment I'll need.

Not exactly the news I was hoping for, but at least the wait is over.

Because I'm a lot bored and a little depressed.



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Thank you, Scott L for almost making me spit milk on my monitor.

Today's haiku:

Wrist hurts like hot hell
PMS wrath strikes again
I want my blankie

I shamelessly stole this from RuPaul's weblog

Things you can only say at Thanksgiving:

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that was one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

I barely talked at all during dance warm ups and very little during practice but to ask where my hands should be, if I'm turning at the same time as everyone else, etc. Del asked if I was ok during warm ups since I was so quiet. I nodded, plastered on a fake smile and said yes.

Sitting there, stretching for all I'm worth and listening to Del, Beth and Sue bitch about how they ate something they knew they shouldn't eat and now their joints ache, they got a zit, their nails broke, they got a headache or whatever because they consumed food they knew wasn't good for them.

I'm think, 'gee, I was minding my own business and developed dysplasia.' Excuse the fuck out of me for being quiet and patiently trying to deal with your self centered, woe is me, should have known better but did it anyway and now I'm suffering attitude and trying desperatly not to walk over and punch you a good one square between the eyes.

I finally got in to see the dr. Because of the rescheduling I got a $20 credit toward what I owed on the biopsy so I only had to write a check for $7.50.

I had my cervix looked at through a microscope. She saw some dysplasia and took a biopsy. When those results come back, then she'll determine what kind of treatment I'll have, if any. The biopsy wasn't that painful. I cramped up at bit during but not afterward. I took a pair of aleve an hour before so I was fine. The aleve wore off about 6.30 or so and I felt some soreness, but no bleeding which the dr said was good.

Lab results will be back in 10 to 14 days.

Oh, yeah, and I got laid last weekend, for the first time in over a year. Three times in 12 hrs and Rex, having just turned 40 did better than the late twentysomethings I've had.

Well, I was supposed to have my biopsy Tuesday but when I check in, she says Dr. D just scrubbed in for delivery and did I want to be rescheduled.

In a voice a bit louder than necessary, I told her that this would be my third rescheduleing this month for the procedure and that I wanted to be seen this week. She takes a long hard look at the schedule and says Dr. D should not be having any deliveries on Friday. Yeah, right. Of course the last time it was my decision to move back the appt a week, but she didn't need to know that. I just want this damn thing over with.

~*~

A guy I'm not really attracted to and reguard as a friend emailed me this afternoon asking if I found him physically attractive. Well, let's see, he's built like my brother, looks like him a bit, and has the same first name as my dad. It's a bit incestous. I find him as physically attractive as a bowl of overcooked brussel sprouts with a big dollup of rancid mayo on the top.

Now, how do I polietly tell him this?

I was supposed to have my biopsy yesterday but surfing the crimson wave kinda put me out of the mood for that so I called and had it moved back to next Tuesday.

Mom was diagnosed as diabetic two weeks ago and had surgery last week. It was outpatient to put a tube in her bladder to help it drain as she's been having kidney problems lately. But she never told me when I went home the weekend before. Dad told Cameron so he called her that afternoon, but she never called me until I got off work. Said she didn't want me to worry and apologized for it. I told her not to worry about it. I haven't told her I'm getting a biopsy of my cervix for the same reason. If the test comes back fine I probably won't tell her about it, but if something is found I'll say something.

Mom had surgery again today. She has kidney stones and this morning went into outpatient to have them broken up. I'm not sure what it's called but they put her on a big bag of water and using sound waves or something broke them up. It was non-invasive and left her bruised bad but otherwise she's feeling pretty good.

If you like northern lights and the prairie as much as I do, check out Prairie Journal. My favorites are the pics of the prairie. A few were posted over the summer that brought tears to my eyes. The prairie, for me, holds a boundless and simple beauty that no words can describe.

I want a dot.com. I've only thought of a few cool names but they seem to be taken. Bummer. Don't think I can afford one right now.

I think when my parents ask me, I'll ask for a tv for Christmas. Seventeen or 19", a bit bigger than my current 13" tv which is on the blink right now.

Had planned on going to see Rex tomorrow since it's his 40th birthday tomorrow. I planned on going up around noon, after his son's morning football game. But Rex just called and said his son has a game at 10a and 2p. Then when he comes home, he'll have at least one, if not all of his kids with him and possibly his parents and a sister or two. That was too much for me to handle and so I told him I'd see him later. He knows I'm not ready to meet his kids so he didn't pressure me or give me a hard time about it.

He goes out to Los Angles Tuesday for a business deal. He's selling air time on his tv station to some guy and goes out there to finalize the contract, etc. He flies home Thursday night, landing around 10p. I told him he's welcome to stay that night with me since it's just over a 2 hour drive from the airport to his house.

My biopsy was rescheduled for Nov 12, but I called and had it rescheduled, yet again, since I'd be in the middle of my period then. So I go back Nov 19th now.

I took my car in for it's first oil change and an alignment check since I hit a pot hole and it has been pulling ever since. I dropped it off Wednesday at 12.30. On the phone the guy gives me the impression they have thier own shuttle service to take people back to work, or home and pick them up when thier car is ready so when he asked if he could arrange a ride for me, I said sure.

Well, the ride was actually a taxi. A taxi I had to wait for 45 minutes to show up. So I was an hour late getting back to work. The voucher was for $10 and the fare came to $9.60.

Had a co-worker take me back to the dealership. I was told my car would be ready by the time I came back. I walk in and he said they were finishing up. I had a seat, watched the news and watched as bay doors closed, lights were turned off and offices locked. The service guy would come through occassionally telling me they were still working on it. Finally he calls me into his office. My car is fine, however the alignment machine is not working properly. I had to leave it overnight and he put me into a used 99 Altima from the lot. He told me it would be ready today. Well, at 2p this afternoon I called to see how things were going, he said someone came out to look at the machine and it needed a part. The car would have to stay another night. I told him I was going to need gas money if I kept the loaner. He offered to put me in a nice rental. Sounded good, since I'm not paying for it.

Then a few hours later, he called to say that a part was found and my car is fixed and ready to be picked up. When I did pick it up he said he owed me a car wash since their detail man left to finish school and they had yet to replace him. First thing I look for when I open the door is grease on the seat. The seat was fine, however it looked like someone walked through an oil slick and got in my car. I've never seen such grease marks on floor mats in my life. So I went back in and told him of the grease and handed him the key. About 10 minutes later he came back and my mats were clean.

You'd think they'd put down cardboard mats or plastic or something.

And if you're voting today. Go Vote!

I accidently left my bra at Rex's over the weekend. I didn't miss it until yesterday when I get an email from him saying I had left it there and he found it and fondled it before going to work that morning. I'm thankful I didn't leave my panties behind. He probably would have called in to work and stayed in bed all day sniffing them.

I went for my biopsy and after a bit was called to the desk. It seems my doctor was off somewhere delivering a baby and all her non pregnant patients were rescheduled. Her pregnant patients were shuffled around to different doctors and seen as soon as possible.

So I go back the 12th...barring any other babies that decide to make their appearance around 11.30.

MERRY SAMHAIN!!!

BLESSED BE!!!

Rex is coming into town for Samhain Thursday.

I have no idea what to cook for the potluck. Don't know how many are going to be there and what food allergies they have, real or imagined.

I'm sick and tired of Delphi eating something bad for her that she's allergic to then complaining about how bad she feels. She knows pork makes her sick, but she eats it anyway. If you know you're allergic to it, then don't eat it. If you do eat it, don't fucking bitch about it. I told Sue today that i'm tired of hearing her bitch about how bad she feels after eating something she knows she's not supposed to eat. Sue of course came to her defense saying she can have those foods just in small amounts and not over a certain limit. Well, it's obvious she goes over that limit on a regular basis. But I didn't say that too her because according to Beth and Sue, Delphi can do no wrong.

Updated my regular journal

At first I thought it was just a wrong number. But after 3 or 4 voice mails for Marbella Cortez I decided to call the 1.800 number that they finally left in the message and told them I don't know this chick, stop calling my cell phone. The message was to call back Lynette. So I called the number and asked for Lynette, then the guy comes back to tell me there is no Lynette that works there. So I explained the wrong numbers to him and he took the number out of the system.

Pretty sad when the only messages I get are wrong numbers.

Why are men so bloody complicated?

I went to the dentist this morning for a cleaning. While I was gone a nurse from my gyno's office called both home and work leaving voicemail at both places. I had a routine pelvic exam about 3 weeks ago. At least I thought it was routine.

So I called back and was told the woman I was asking for only works half days on Wed. She called at noon, just before she left, asking me to call her back as soon as possible. Is this about a scheduling? No, I'm guessing it's about lab work, she called two different numbers leaving messages for me I explained.

A hour and a half later someone else called me. She explained that my pap smear came back abnormal and the doctor ordered a biospy and can I come in Nov 1st? Ok. She explained that they see that kind of result all the time and for them it's a routine thing. The biopsy will come back either normal or not and then treatment options will be discussed if that's the case.

I've never had an abnormal smear before so I'm a bit scared and worried.

So this evening I treated me and my abnormal cervical cells to bit of splurge shopping at the mall.

Went on a road trip with Rex over the weekend. I haven't had a chance to type it up but when I do I'll let you know.

Have you guys been watching The Ship on History Ch? It's about James Cook's voyage around the eastern coast of Austraila.

Anyone ever hear of cold eeze? The box says it shortens the length of a cold so I bought a box. I'm going on a road trip with Rex this weekend and I don't want to be sick. I'm sick of being sick.

I was doing better yesterday and after moving around this morning I figured I was getting over it. Then at work my nose started running despite the decongestiants and my right eye was watering really bad. I filled out a sheet for half a day off and told my boss I was leaving at noon after I got some things done. By 10.30 I was spending more time wiping my eye and blowing my nose than I was working so I left.

Came home and steamed up the bathroom and then took a bubble bath. Made a tissue and medicine run, picked up Monsters, Inc while I was out and tried to get my car tagged, but couldn't since I didn't have the purchase agreement. I called the tag agency before I left the house asking what I'd be needed and she said to bring everything that the dealership or bank mailed me. So I did, but the purchase agreement wasn't in there. Wonderful. Thankfully I have a copy they gave me when I picked up the car so I'll use that.

I'm thinking about getting either a vanity plate or a speciality plate that supports breast cancer or wildlife conservation. Haven't decided yet.

The cold eeze things taste terrible.

I've got the gronk. I woke Sunday at my parents house with a runny nose and heavy chest. But after a pair of whatever mom handed me I felt better. This morning I woke up with the same thing and this time it isn't going away. The box of cold pills says non drowsy but it's slowed me down and I've spent a better part of the day in some Anna Nicole like haze.

Saturday morning I went to my parents. Me and mom did a bit of running around, nothing major. Dad got off work around 4 and then me and him went to a camp ground/park area not too far away and caught and tagged Monarch butterflies as a part of a migratory study. The tags are these tiny little round stickers with a mailing address and a number. We recorded the number, sex of the butterfly, and location tagged. Then released them to fly away to Mexico. It was really cool. We took turns putting the tag on them and then I released them all. The kit the university in St. Louis gave him contained 25 tags. We tagged 4 the other day. He caught a 5th one but as he was getting it out of the net he didn't have a secure grip on it's body and it slipped away.

the Scott Stapp story

Some chick that had been stalking Scott Stapp of Creed was arrested outside the Ford Center Saturday night before the concert in OKC. She was found to be carrying a ticket, a page from an address book with his home address and a copy of the restraining order that was issued in Flordia that says she has to stay 500 feet from any building he is in.

I went to the Creed concert Saturday. It started promptly at 6.30 with Cinder, followed by 12 Stones, then Sevendust and finally Creed. There was about a 15 min break between sets and a bit longer before Creed took the stage. It was 11p when we left.

Friday after work I went to Applewoods where I met Rex. A lawyer from out of town. We sat at the bar for a few minutes until our table was ready. He wanted to see my new car so I drove him the few blocks to Quail Springs to watch a movie. We decided on Four Feathers. We had some time to kill before the movie so we wandered the mall. We stopped at a candle place and he wanted to see if he could guess my 3 favorite candles. He only got one right, clean cotton by Yankee Candle Co. Next to the candles was a little stand with car freshners and one was clean cotten. He picked it up and said he'd buy it for me. I told him he didn't have to do that, but he said he wanted to for my car.

I almost started crying. Over a damn car freshner of all things. Eleven months with Ray and he never bought me anything except the occassional dinner. In my other relationships, what few there were, I was never bought anything, big or small. So for a guy to get me a car freshner on a first date melted my heart.

After the movie we went to the IHOP and talked for several hours. I thought they were going to charge us rent. It was around 4.30 when I got home and Rex had a 2 hr drive ahead of him.

Then this morning I slept through my alarm and woke up at 8a when the alarm gave up on me and shut itself off. I somehow managed to be clocked in and at my desk at 8.15. A personal record that I have no intention of beating.

How can we have 20 gigs of space on our server at work a month ago and today have it gone???

I don't know either.

All I know was I was scanning an image for a label wondering if I should let the new guy continue doing the cd toppers or if I should do them at the same time I do the labels since it would save time. Or not because the toppers aren't as time sensitive as the labels since we print toppers inhouse. I hit save, it tells me we're out of disk space.

No you're not. Hit save again.

Out of disk space.

I toggle over to the open Photoshop document which was an old scan of the label, just at the wrong dpi. I scanned and saved that a few minutes before then discovered it was at the wrong dpi when I opened it. So I closed that tif, toggled back to the scanner and tried to save over the old one.

Out of disk space.

What the ffff....

Toggle over to windows explorer, graphics server, right click -> properities. Available Disk Space = 0KB

Well shit.

I turn around to tell my supervisor, WeasleBoy, when the tech guy walks in with a paper and hands it to him. When the server ran out of space it alerted the tech guy, who printed out something and walked to grahics with it. WeasleBoy says there is some video on the graphics server and he'll remove it and put it on the media server. It is supposed to be on the media server to begin with dumbass, that's why they bought a 500Gigs worth of disk and put it on it's own server, not to put that shit on my graphics server.

That's it. I'm lobbying for my own dedicated server for my images. I have over 19,000 eps, 30,000 tifs, and 50,000 jpgs I'm responsible for. Not to mention almost 800 code sheets and 800 pdfs for those code sheets. That's a butt load of space. Not to mention that we are also saving our other projects on that server as well and those folders can be from a few megs to 100 megs or larger each.

I had a wierd dream last night. My parents were all pissed off because their water bill was $14,000 a month. They felt they were being grossly overcharged because their neighbor's bills were about $200-300 a month.

January - no dr appt
February - dentist, cleaning
March - dentist, filling & wrist examined
April - wrist examined
May - wrist surgery
June - stitches out and post op
July - post op
Aug - post op
Sept - cancled wrist appt for different problem & gyno appt
Oct - dentist, cleaning
Nov - nothing scheduled (yet)
Dec - possible follow up gyno appt

I'm sick of doctors. I've been seen more often by doctors this year than I have at any other time in my life.

Had a gyno appt this afternoon. I was the only non pregnant patient there. Next time I'm scheduleing first thing in the morning.

When I went home Thursday to get my car I saw in the paper that a priest in my hometown was removed from his post for molesting children. He was put there from Tulsa where he was accused of the same thing. And now the Vatican doesn't want to approve a U.S. plan for keeping accused priests from the parishiners. I can see the point where they are afraid that some priests might be falsely accused of abuse and maybe even defrocked for something they never did. But at the same time the Vatican is just sitting there praying and hoping this will all blow over. I don't see them doing anything about it. Not now and not in the foreseeable future either.

There was a party last night at the apt across from mine at Lauren and Lauren's place. Those are their names, before them I had a Kristen and Kristen living in that same apt. Around 9p Lauren and her boyfriend knocked and said they were having a party, I was more than welcome to come and if things got to loud please let them know before calling the cops.

Around midnight things got very loud and I heard glass breaking. I was up chatting online and got up to peek through the door and saw the guy who knocked eariler pouring water on and around my door. I heard a girl say, 'Just leave' and things settled down to a normal party volume.

About an hour later things got a bit loud again, but didn't think anything of it, drunks get loud, and the host was keeping things under control. I was suprised by the civility of the party considering the median age was probably about 21 with some underage drinking. I was a bit worried since last summer parties upstairs ended with someone puking over the railing onto my door.

I did suddenly become very worried about my car and slipped on some sandals to go check on it. I didn't want anyone peeing on my car. When I stepped outside the ground was wet as well as my doorknob. A goodlooking guy with a cute accent appeared out of nowhere to explain that a beer had been dropped and things rinsed off. He asked if I was ok and if they were too loud and does he need to break things up. I told him things were fine and I just wanted to step outside for some fresh air and to see who all was here. I knew I didn't know anyone and picked my way through the people to peek at my car. The guy who knocked on my door was posted at the other end, I'm guessing to keep people from falling down the stairs into the parking lot. He also asked if things were too loud.

The foreign guy was right behind me when I turned around asking again if all was well. I couldn't help myself and cupped his smooth face in both my hands and said, 'you are so cute.' interuppeting him midsentence. He cupped my face the same way and said 'thank you'. I asked him where he was from, 'Albania'. He was wearing a black shirt that was unbuttoned to just above his breastbone. "oohh, got the chest thing going here.' I said and ran my fingers on his chest letting them slip down into his shirt, warm and smooth just like his face. I asked what he was majoring in but don't remember the answer since I blatenly was checking out his package. I almost squeezed his butt as I stepped around him, but didn't, instead i put my hand on his hip as I said good night. After getting back in, the more I thought about it, the hotter it made me.

I have no idea why I did that. I have no idea of his relationship to either Lauren but if he's the boyfriend to the other one, I hope my actions weren't taken seriously and no female is mad at me. I'm just a lonely horny 27 yr old, which to a bunch of 20-21 yr olds seems old old old. Did to me at that age anyway.

The party was pretty much over by 2.30a and shortly afterward I heard someone outside puking on the lawn.

Watched Sam & Janet on ch 9 this afternoon. It's a good movie. It was all filmed in OKC except the bar scenes with Gary Busey and the hiway LA shots. If you want a good chick flick I highly recommend it. I'm not much for chick flicks but this one is good.

I was neat to watch it and think, 'I've been there." or ' I know where that is.'

I think a scene was filmed in the park just a few blocks from me, but I'd have to see it again to be sure.

Ok, so Monday the deal on the car fell through. I was fustrated but not at all surprised and half expected it. So after a few days of searching I called the dealership and told them if they can manage to find me a 3.5SE for not any more than $1,000, I'd take it. They did and yesterday I took delivery of a mystic emerald 3.5SE V6 Altima.

So I get a call yesterday around 1p to say that my car is there and ready for me to pick up. I leave work about 45 minutes later and head to the bank, get the draft and head home. Mom is there and we go to the dealership. After signing a few papers I drove off in my very first new car. For all of my driving life I've never been behind the wheel of anything other than a 4 cyl, exept when me and Merrie came back from Memphis and I drove part of the way. So it did take some getting used to. I don't think I want to go back to 4 cyl.

For morning break Beth and Sue wanted to go out to see it, and a few other people had heard and wandered over. Several said it was a sharp looking car and a neat color. Some people would walk through and compliment me on it. It's got a cd player and the windows can be rolled up and down with the key. You can also roll down the windows with the remote unlock thingy. Volume controls are on the steering wheel and it also gives me the outside temp too.

Yeah, so I'm a happy camper now.

I'm to sexy for this hole? Scroll down to the list headed with Cofani funebri e fascino. Here's the calander if you're interested in more

I called the dealership and spoke with a manager who said he'd trace the VIN and call my bank. This was 30 minutes ago. I'm going to give it another 30 min then call the bank and see if the number came through.

I want my car already. Damn it. I took a whole day off work and here I sit...not in my car.

Here's something I didn't know about the Altimas. Just the engine and trasmission are made in Japan, the rest of the car is manufacted and assembled in the US. So it's 70% domestic and 30% foreign.

I called in this morning and said I wouldn't be at work because I'd be finishing up stuff with buying the car. The bank doesn't open until 9. So I went across the street to the insurance place and got an estimate on how much car insurance will be. It's not that bad, it's only going up $165 every 6 months. I figured it'd go up $500 every 6 months.

Over at the bank I got a cashier's check for a $9,500 for my down payment. I've already put $500 deposit on the car so that's $10,000 down on a $20,600 car. I talked to the guy about loan payments and he said since I'm putting half the cost of the car as a down payment he can be very flexable with the loan payments and length of loan. One plan was 48 months at $253 a month, the other was 36 months at $330 a month. I wasn't sure if I could handle $330 but I didn't want to go as long as 48 months. So he offered me 42 months at $292, and I went with that. He'll start the payments to be automatically withdrawn from my account starting in Nov. since I'll have to pay tag, title and liscense in Oct. That I'm not looking forward to and I've saved out $500 of Mom's check for that.

So, it's 12.30, why am I not going to get my car? Good question, I'm glad you asked. Because the dealership the car is coming from hasn't given the VIN to the dealership I bought the car from. Well, as of about 10, they hadn't. I'm figuring the car hadn't even left OKC at that time. So I called the bank at 11.30 to see if the VIN had been called in and left a message. I'll give the guy a bit longer to come back from lunch and check his messages before I either call back or go down there.

Let's see, in the last installment I had a written quote for $21,193 on the Altima of my dreams. There isn't one in the city and the closest one is somewhere in Texas. I felt this was a bit to my advantage, any Nissan dealership could get it so it being out of state, maybe I could shop around for the best deal without one place holding it hostage.

Friday afternoon I get a call from the Peckerhead, the sales manager at the northern dealership. He says, it just so happened that the lot in TX needed a car from his lot so he traded and brought the Altima up here that morning knowing that's what I wanted. I pretended to be happy to hear this, hung up and immeadiatly realized I was going to have to change my game plan. He had that car, he knew I wanted it and probably wouldn't let it go for too much lower than $21,300. The fucker was holding it hostage. That wasn't in the plan.

After work I show up at the lot. The car was off to the side of the building, the name of a Texas dealership on the sticker. We go inside and they had already half filled out a purchase agreement on the car with my name on it.

"Can you do better on the price?"

"No."

"But there's no transportation fee now, the car is already up here, how much better can you do?"

"How much better do you want me to do?"

I produce the written quote from the southern dealership, "this would be a good start". Manager Peckerwood seems a bit pissed off, like we had an agreement that his place was the only place I'd buy from and I had gone behind his back to get a lower price than the first one he gave me. I knew that was just for show to get me to feel guilty. It didn't work. Then he give me a line about how his boss thought he was crazy for bringing up a '02 when he could have had his pick of any '03 on that TX lot. I give him my best, 'here's a quarter, call someone who cares' face.

At this point he started to act like he's wasting his time sitting there haggleing over the price and says he'll sell it to me for $21,143, $50 lower than the southern lot quoted me.

"Just $50?" I asked, talk about a slap in the face.

"It's my policy to do better than any quote brought in."

"By $50?" I wanted to add, 'that so white of you.' but didn't.

"That's the best I can do. You can shop that quote around but you won't find anywere that will do better. I'm putting that car on the lot tonight to be sold." and he gets up and walks out.

I sit there and the sales guy that I've been dealing with sits down after standing by the door the entire time. He plays the good guy to Peckerwood's bad guy and says, they aren't making much money on the car, they have to keep the lights on, he's so apologetic about charging so much, blah, blah, blah. I thanked him for his time, because he was a nice guy and left.

From there I went home, grabbed a few things and drove 150 miles to my parents house. I couldn't sleep at all that night, I was going over ways to get that car and planning for every possible line they could give me.

Saturday morning I went to the dealership a few miles from my parents house. I asked for a saleswoman, Becky, that I had talked to before. She knew my parents since she worked briefly where they work. Mom didn't know what an Altima looked like so she showed up the only Altima that was on the lot.

We go in and sit down, I tell her exactly what I want and she says she'll locate one. She comes back a few minutes later and says the closest one was in Oklahoma City. Big surprise but I didn't say a word or let my expression change. I had talked to her on the phone Thursday and asked if she could do better than OKC prices. "Of Course" she says. I tell her that I went to one dealership with a written quote and he insulted me by doing $50 better.

She comes back with $21,000. That's still a bit much. She asks what I want to pay. "$19,500" I say.

"I can't do that."

"at invoice."

"I probably can't do that either."

"$20,700."

She looks at some numbers and says that's do-able. She leaves and comes back with a paper and writes that if $20,700 is agreeable to all parties that's what I'll buy the car at. The she askes what about the trade in. She says as old as my car is, they can't give me much for it and I'd probably be better off selling it myself, did I still want to trade anyway?

At that question I felt my body crash and said I'd think about it after lunch. A few hours later after dad had helped me vaccuum out the car and wipe down the dashboard and clean it out he told me to run it down there and see what I could do. I asked him to come with me. "I'm emotionally exhausted and I really need the support. All you have to do is just sit there and make sure I don't get talked into anything stupid."

We walk in and sit in the lobby. Becky comes in and gets the keys so my car can be evaluated. A bit later she says they'll give me $300 in trade. I've put $2,000 in repairs in the last 15 months, $300 was unacceptable. So she says that if I don't trade in, I could have the car at invoice, which she told me was $20,638 and there would be no transportation fee. Edmunds.com says invoice on that car is $20,338. They are making $300 on that car. That's probably the best price I'm going to get.

So I took it.

I get a car a bit cheaper than I was prepared to pay for it, I don't have to do business with Manager Peckerwood, I get the car off his lot so he won't make any money off it, and this evening mom writes me a check for $5,000 to put with my $5,000 I was using as a down payment so I only have to borrow a bit over $10,000 from the bank.

This is almost over.

So Monday while someone is picking up the car from OKC and taking it to my hometown, I'll be not too far behind it to pick it up in the afternoon and drive it back home to just a few miles away from where it was about 8 hrs eariler.

I bought a car a few hours ago.

Beth and Sue were so excited to be taking me to the Kansas City Renn Fair this season. Yesterday Beth said, "I think I'm getting my cycles (period) because you know why..." "So you can tell the whole world," I interruped. Not a month goes by without her telling me she's got her period.

"No. Because me and Sue are going to Kansas Renn Fair and I won't have to deal with it by then."

Then today she was talking about it and I asked if they were going up again, or if this was their only trip. Sue said it was their only trip. Ah. After all this time telling me I'd be going with them, telling me the great time I'd have, they decide to plan a trip without me. That's fine if they change their mind about wanting to take me. But fucking tell me so I'm not keeping a weekend clear for a trip that will never happen.

That pissed me off.

I looked into having that credit card removed from my credit history, but to do so means calling or writing a letter and waiting 30 days for the issue to be investigated and resolved. Well, I'm a bit busy to be keeping up with that for 30 days. So I'll take care of it after I'm done with the car. I doubt if the change would make that big of a difference that I'd have a lower interest rate. I could always refinance if it does.

Last night I got a verbal quote for $21,300 for a car with my specs at the dealership here. This afternoon, I went 30 miles south and talked to a guy there who gave me a written quote for $21,193. I had planned on taking that to the northern dealership but Ray came over when I got home and things got stressful then.

I told him I was thinking of trading in the car he drives along with mine. At first he thought it was a good idea until I told him that he wouldn't be getting any money from it, that I'd keep it. He said if I got $1500 in trade in to keep what he owed me and give him the rest. He didn't believe me when I said that car is only worth $600 tops. Then I looked it up online and Kelley Blue Book says it's worth $485. He got really depressed at that since he paid $1500 for it last August. Then it had 20,000 miles less on it and was worth $600 but he didn't believe me when I told him that then.

He said he could sell it for $1200 easy. Well, do it then. I want my name off it and would like my money back. "Well, what would I drive?" he asked. "Not my problem" I told him.

He said he plans on buying a 91 Ford something or other for $2000. Since he doesn't have the money he said he'd pay her in installments. "You can't pay me in installments, how do expect to pay her and why should she trust you?" He didn't have an answer for that.

At the credit union on Saturday she runs my credit history. I look at it from across her desk and there is a credit card on there that I had forgot I had. So I look up online a number for that bank. I call to cancel the account. She can't find it under my name or the old address I was at when I had the card.

Do you have an account number? she asked. No, I explained that I used the card regularly and when it expired 6 or so years ago, the bank never sent me a new one. Now I'm buying a car and want old accounts closed. She told me the account number should be on the history so now I have to call the bank, talk to the woman there and find out the account number.

This sucks big time. I hate buying a car. It's emotionally and physically exhausting. And later it'll be financially exhausting as well.

So there I was, surfing the net for porn, chatting on icq with a long time buddy and basically minding my own business when I had a yahoo instant message come through. Guess who from? Kevin. Remember him, the bdsm lawyer? I was frozen mid icq message, all I could do was blink hard a few times.

I figured when I sent him off to golf that Saturday morning, that would be the last time I would ever see or hear from him. But as he pointed out it was obvious I needed space and he gave it to me. So, 3 weeks later he was checking on me to see how I was doing. I'm not sure how to react to that.

I did a lot of thinking and I realize that there are 2 things about him that I'm not entirely comfortable with. The biggest is his son. A cute little blond boy child that he has every weekday 3.30 - 6 or 7 and a full day on the weekend. The problem is I'm not ready to make my plans with Kevin around the boy's schedule. And I have no right to say, 'no, don't have your kid this evening, I want to come over.'

The second thing is he's a Christian. I'll date Christians, but as far as having a serious relationship with them... the thought makes me a bit owly. I do know that I have no intrest in marrying a Christian and don't want my child(ren) raised as one.

Special Thanks to Scott who was the first and popped my comment cherry! I've got your bellydance right here, babe!! However bashing my as-of-yet-unbought Altima will cost you though.

*smooch*

Now, how about the rest of you turning me into a comment slut!

I love my readers, both of you.

Even Jesus likes to track his followers, and you were worried about the Gov't TIPs program?

I was at the park until about half an hour ago. It started raining. Sat in the rain for a while. It was one of those soft gentle rains, too hard to be a drizzle, but too soft to be a sprinkle. The rain I imagine the Pacific Northwest or Britian to get all the time. It's very relaxing espcially in this area where weather is like a pms'ing woman's mood swings. It's nice to hear rain and not worry about the power going out or whether or not a tornado is bearing down on you and you'll be homeless in an hour.

It's Sunday at 8am. What are my plans? I'm going to finish my bowl of oatmeal, go to the park, read and nap in this glorious beautiful weather and then call my dance instructor and say I just don't feel like coming to class.

So there!

Last night I was at the IHOP for dinner..... ohmigawd!!!!.... the pumpkin pancakes are to die for!!!!

Like pumpkin bread but lighter. I'm not a fan of maple syrup but it tasted good on them. I tried the blueberry syrup with them but that wasn't as good. I had just 2 and a couple of pieces of bacon which I always save for last. It's weird, but I can't eat hot bacon, for some reason it makes me sick. I can eat it cold though, so it's usually the last thing I eat.

Ok, here's the lastest with my new car buying adventures.

Friday morning I went to the bank and got my loan pre-approval restarted. I started it back in May but then had surgery a few days later and didn't want to mess with it.

Then I was out near my house looking at Nissan Altimas. I went to a dealership and the guy was nice, not slimy or pushy like the others I've come across, some of them at that very dealership. So he takes me around, and he seemed a little surprised and impressed by the amount of research I've done. I was there for about an hour looking and asking questions. I finally have it narrowed down to an Altima 2.5S, ABS brakes with convience package, mystic emerald in color. I was flip flopping back and forth on whether or not to get the convience package, but I finally realized that I plan on having that car for at least 8 yrs, I might as well get what I want and drive in fun and comfort.

He didn't want to go lower on the price until I signed a paper saying I was prepared to buy. It let the sales manager know I was serious about buying and not taking the quote somewhere else to get a better price. Which was exactly what I was going to do, but oh, well. I asked about the paper, and even though it's called an intent to purchase it isn't legally binding me to buy there. Just if the final price and financing is agreeable to me. I didn't sign it nor did he say anymore about it.

From there to my fully body massage appointment where just from watching me walk across the room and stand he could tell all the places I was sore, and a few I didn't know I was sore at. An hour later and feeling very mellow I left to go to Norman to look at Altimas. I'm glad I took Friday off to do that, because today I realized that OU's first home game of the season is this afternoon and it would have been hell to get in and out of there.

I get to the lot and head over to the Altimas. I had parked right in front of the showroom so I figured someone probably saw me pull up and was on his way out to greet me. I looked over the cars and realized that none of them had ABS breaks and very few had the convience package I wanted. Then I realized that there's no sales guy. So I wandered into the showroom and the place was empty, a mechanic walked though but that was it. Pissed off and holding my keys next to the new roped off 350Z I figured I should leave before I'm arrested for vandalism. I go across the street and park at the Borders. Since I brought a phone book with me I called the dealership. The web guy answered. After explaining that I drove from North Edmond to look at cars and no one was around to help me he said they had taken a whole bunch of cars to the fairgrounds and no one was left to help me. I was so pissed off but he checked the inventory for what I wanted. From there I went home.

~*~

Last night I realized that I might be eligiable for a loan from Tinker Credit Union since mom's a member. So today I went in and and opened a savings account with $5. She said my credit score was 685 out of 900 which was very good but didn't get me a lower rate than my bank. Both offered me 7%. However she told me that closing the accounts I have open but don't or hardly use will raise my score and lower the rate. That would be 3 of the 4 accounts on there.

So I just got off the phone closing my The Limited account. I have an open AT&T Universal account, but they never sent me a new card after the old one expired and that's been about 5 yrs ago. I haven't used my MasterCard for over a year but don't feel comfortable closing it since it would leave me with only my Visa and I use that card all the time. It will take about 30 days for the cancellations to show up on my report.

Credit Union pro: If I open a checking account there and have my loan payments withdrawn from checking, I can get the rate down to 6.85%

Credit Union con: I can't walk in and make a payment toward the principle at any time. If I do want to, I have to go in the day the payment is schedualed to be withdrawn from the account and pay then. Which bites since they figure the interest daily and paying extra money in the middle of the month will short them that much interest for the month. The loan is for 60 months

My bank pro: I can walk in at anytime and pay on the principle. The rest of my money is there so it would be easier to transfer money out of my savings for the loan payment incase something happens and there's not enough in checking. To move it to the credit union might incur a fee. The loan is for 48 months. This means higher payments but for a shorter time which means less interest piled up.

My bank con: Can't think of any. I'm not sure if they'll lower the rate if I have it automatically withdrawn, but I'll call and ask.

In general: My rent is going up in November to $445 a month. I called dad and sorta hinted around that I may need to borrow a few thousand dollars. I don't even want to think about the tag, title, liscense and insurance.

I got a $163 cheque in the mail from the insurance company. It seems I over paid on something the hospital billed me for, but I'm not sure what. I never paid the hospital. Just $20 for the lab work and $300 for the dr. But no matter, it'll go toward the car. I figure, depending on what the final cost is and how much of a loan I get, I can probably put at least $5,000 down on a car. Of course the smaller the loan the larger my down payment will be that way I won't be stuck in a 5 yr loan paying interest.

Maybe I should put men on the back burner and find myself a woman.

~*~

I've got Friday off. But before you think I'll just be lounging around, let it be known that I'll be at the bank getting my money and a loan in order then off to at least 2 dealerships to look at cars. '02 Nissan Altima is what I have in mind, the 2.5S. Have you seen those? Are they not the sweetest looking car you've seen? At first I thought whoever designed it was smoking crack, but the more I look at it, the more I like it.

Went to a bellydance compitition Saturday night. Well, it was probably more like very early Sunday morning by the time they got started.

I didn't dance, but watched. Danced after the compitition. It was an SCA sponsored event. A guy there adopted the troupe and brought us water and made sure we were fully hydrated. As much as I drank and I didn't need to pee. It was held outdoors and it was a beautiful night.

Our troupe leader got 3 inquiries from guys about us. Two were about me. This seemed to surprise her since I was the least adorned of us. I had no coinbelt, no hideious jewelry that the others seem to enjoy wearing to excess. I had on a simple black Indian top, a brown skirt and a black shaw around my hips. I had the skirt's waistband rolled under to expose more of my waist and sit a little lower on my hips.

She said he had two guys come up, confirm that the girl in dark was in her troupe and asked about who I was. She never pointed them out to me if they were later at the compition and no one approached me.

Did see one of my overbosses there, the one that fired Grunt. He'd never seen me in anything revealing so much skin and even though it was dark and we were away from the dancing, I caught him looking at my belly several times. I was standing facing the dancing area so the light was on me. He came after the drummers left, that's why we stopped dancing. The drummers had been up early and drumming or fighting all day and were tired. So if he saw me dance, it was from away from the immediate dancing area. But I don't think he did.

I did dance for the guy who fetched us water and looked out for us as a thank you.

I must be getting old. I'm going to see Creed with Mary. She asked if I wanted her to bring earplugs. I said sure and was about to suggest it myself.

If it's too loud, you're too old.

I'm going to the Creed concert! I'm gonna see Scott Stapp. nanny, nanny, boo, boo

Look what I found in my gym shorts yesterday evening. I had picked them up from the back of my chair to put them on, then put them down to find a shirt. When I went back to get my shorts I saw what I thought was a ball of rust colored thread. I went to pick it off but then I saw it move a tiny bit. The light wasn't on, so I wasn't sure what I was looking at since it was a bit balled up.

It was passively pissed.

So I got my glass measureing cup and shook him off into it. After taking a few pictures, I dumped him in the grass...on the other side of the building.

Then I got the creepy crawlies and started shaking out everything.

Ever read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath?

I have. Once in high school and again a few years ago. The second time I read it was just before my period when I'm a basketcase and paranoid about stuff. That book only served to make me very claustrophobic. It took me two and a half days to read it and I was a mess when I was done. Well, I'm craving a re-read of it right now. For the last week or two I've been feeling the very light edge of the beginnings of a panic attack. You know where you get this darkness around you and while you can still breathe you know in the next few breaths it will become impossible. And knowing you are losing breath only makes it worse and speeds up the arrival of the attack.

Well, I've been having that forboding feeling for a while now. Figure if I read that book, it will push me over the edge, I'll break down and be done with it. Return the book to the library, have a bubble bath and all will be right in my world again.

~*~

My rent will be going up in Nov by $50 a month. I'll be buying a car between now and December. I paid cash for my purchases in Denton last weekend so I don't have to worry about that. However there is an unopened Visa bill on the counter that I'm afraid to look at. Mary called me yesterday. The Creed tickets go on sale Thursday and she wants me to buy them online since she's going to be out of town that day. I want to see Creed, I really do, but I'm not sure if I can afford it. I asked where she wanted to sit, she said she didn't care. I asked if she was on a budget she said no. Wherever you want to sit and I'll pay you back, she said. Must be nice. I don't know if I really should be going but I think of it as a treat to myself. Then I look though my checkbook registar and see all the other treats I've bought myself. Last month I spent more than I made. Thankfully I don't always note my deposits so I have a cushion there. But still.

Ray owes me over $800. I need it. He doesn't have it.

Because of him, I don't want to be nice and help out anyone ever again.

The new guy started to replace Grunt.

Grunt is planning the professional demise of the guy who fired him. I've seen the papers and he's got enough ammo to do it. Don't ever walk into a graphics dept and ask someone to fake an invoice for over $100,000. It will come back to haunt you.

Tuesday afternoon, I was experiencing a bit of tenderness along the outside of my right wrist. Didn't think anything of it and decided to tell the doctor Thursday if it was still hurting.

In my rage after the car was towed home Tuesday night, I slammed both fists into the door. Wednesday morning my right wrist was swollen and painfull. Today when I went in for my final post op appointment I asked him about it. He examined me, poked a few places that damn near made jump out of the seat and said I had tendonitis there. Offered me a perscription for a splint and said to either use my whole arm when I use the mouse or switch hands.

Well, I can't afford a splint right now and I don't know if the insurance will cover it. So I asked if a brace I bought at the drugstore would be ok. He said try it and if it is still painful in a month, to come back for the other splint. Wonderful. This is all I need.

Grunt came back from vacation on Tuesday. He was at his desk before I came in. He was fired at 5. Mike from shipping was called to escort him out. Mike is a sweetheart who's friends with Grunt and he hated having to walk him out. Mike went home and drank all the beer in the house, he was that upset.

The next day, Grunt's boss came to the dept and said, 'for some unforeseeable reason, Grunt is no longer with us.'

I didn't believe that but kept quiet. We discussed ways to change the way some things are run and bring the dept a bit closer together in cooperation. Then John said something about a Travis. "Travis? there's already someone hired?" I said immeadiatly interupting John. John had pure unadultated panic on his face. Eyes got bigger than I'd seen them and his mouth frozen open mid word. He glanced over to Carl, who's only movement was to close his eyes. "Well, Travis is one of the candidates," John tried to backpeddle.

"Yes, one of many," Carl conceded, "a very good candidate"

It all made since then. While Grunt was gone I heard Carl paged to the front at least once a day to meet with a guest.

Unforseeable, my ass.

That afternoon I invited myself to a catalog meeting with the rep from the publisher, normally Grunt's job. John is my temporary boss until the new person comes in and he knows nothing about our catalog. During the meeting I glanced over at John's notes and he had written 'Laurette and Travis' - and listed some of the things we'll be working on during catalog production.

So not only do I have to actually design the catalog pages like I've been doing the last 3 years, I also have to coordinate traffic for it as well. Also in talking to Carl I've been 'promoted' to the temporary position of traffic coordinator for the whole dept. Is there a raise in that? Hell no.

And catalog brings us around to my wrist again. The last catalog inflammed my ganglion to the point of daily pain and occassional immobilty. I'm not looking forward to another round of it.

About 30 minutes after my last post a wrecker brings the car, Ray and a $110 bill. I was mad but under control. When we get in Ray asks if he can have some milk to settle his stomach. I said sure and put my checkbook back in my purse. When I turn around he's drinking from the carton. I scream at him 'what are you doing?' and bitch slapped him. He had no idea what he did and I screamed at him about drinking from the carton.

That's when I lost it. I started screaming, threw the keys at him and hit him once or twice more. Then I kicked off one of my sandles which hit the door, flew up in the air and landed on two of my Cow Parade figurines. That only made me scream and cry more. For the first time, he actually did something right: he didn't fucking argue with me or tell me I'm over-reacting. He's very lucky he didn't get arrested and have my car impounded.

Standing behind the couch crying and with a broke cow in my hands I told the back of his head, 'i just want you out of my life.'

He did feel bad for what happened, but at the time I didn't think he did. I'm just tired of him taking advantage of me. I want my money and I want my name off that car. Maybe then I'll be able to handle him comeing around every so often.

It was after 10.30p before I ate. Then I took Ray over to an almost empty apt where he's been living for a while, he got some clothes and money. In the car he gave me $140. The $40 was for the broke cows. They are about $15 each. He has to be out of that apt by the 31st. But can't move into the studio here until Sept 30th. He's asked me several times if he could move in here. Several times I've said no. But he's stayed the night here the last 2 nights and it looks like he'll be staying again tonight. Not exactly a habit I want him getting into. Already he's used the last clean towel I have and it took everything I have not to scream at him.

As long as he doesn't talk to me, I can forget that he's here.

Who would like 'A Cup of Happiness'? I made it this evening.

~*~

Ok, for those of you who just tuned in, last summer, gee a year ago this month, I let Ray put a car he bought into my name. He's been pulled over (I think) twice before in it. He doesn't have a driver's liscense, but somehow he got off both times. Not tonight. I just got a call from him, he was pulled over somewhere on Hwy 3. I talked to the cop who said he blew past a stop sign and was going 73 in a 65. He asked me to come get the car. I have no idea where the hell he is and no one to go with me to get the car. So the cop called for the next available wrecker. In the background I'm hearing them argue about Ray driving it. Cop says no, Ray says, I'll be careful. Then Ray calls back saying it wasn't his fault.

Like I'm going to believe that.

So right now he's sitting somewhere on Hwy 3, with a cop behind him waiting for the wrecker. I told him to have the wrecker bring the car to me and I will get the key to it and it will stay parked until he finds someone else stupid enough to put their name on it.

"But I have to go to work tomorrow" he whined.

"Not my problem." I said.

A year ago, I wanted us to be at least friends. Now I just want him out of my life.

Know what pisses me off? People who use their turn signals in turn only lanes. I know you're turning, you're in a turn only lane.

Know what else pisses me off? People who don't use their turn signals in turn only lanes. Signal, damn it, don't get out of the habit of signaling just because you're in a turn only lane.

So basically it's a no win situation for the unsuspecting driver ahead of me, I'll be pissed reguardless.

Do I signal in a turn only lane? Well, that depends on whether or not I want to piss off the driver behind me who may have issues about it as well.

Well, Kevin came over and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He understood and was accepting or at least let me think he was.

~*~

Met up with Gary at the gallery. Jeff's show was wonderful. I fell in love with a sculpture that was mounted in the window. It was of a nude woman's torso with wings. The wings, although green painted metal, looked torn and ragged and there was some bits of gold mesh fabric pieces here and there and spanned at least 5 feet. Twelve hundred dollars. Well worth it, but can't afford it.

From there he followed me back to Edmond and we ate at Bennigans, rented Jackie Chan's Accidental Spy and watched it here. He needed to leave so he could check on his daughter. When he left his house he found her down the street with a small group of guys. I think he was worried that the group migrated back to his house. We kissed (and felt each other up) good night and after I walked him to his car, I said, "I'm not sure how you feel about me, but I'd like to see you more than once a month." He smiled slightly and looked down at his hands. He didn't say 'sure' but didn't say 'no thanks' either.

Well, he's had today to mull it over and I'm sure I'll get an email in the morning either saying 'fuck off' or 'how about next friday?'

Gary.

Kevin.

Two very wonderful men with lots of positive points. With each of them things have come to a point were it's either get serious or be just friends. I know how Kevin feels. I'm not sure about Gary as he is a lot more reserved. I'm leaning toward Gary because we seem to be in the same chapter a few pages apart. With Kevin, he's a whole chapter ahead and sometimes after being around him, I emotionally have to catch my breath because I feel like I could barely keep up.

I told Kevin last night that I'm torn between him and another guy. He wanted to come over tonight and I agreed. I don't think it will be pretty. Gary is to call me this evening to plan for Saturday since we're going to the art opening together. I don't know if I should ask him tonight or tomorrow where I stand with him.

I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice. No matter the choice, two people will hurt, me and whoever I relunctly let go of. I never meant for any of this to happen. I was just dating guys. A few times out and then conversation would taper off. No hurt feelings, nothing personal, we had fun but it didn't work out. Good luck. That's what I figured with these guys. I had no idea they would affect me as deeply as they have.

And that's what my icky grim task is for this weekend. To make one of three decisions. Kevin, Gary or neither. Right now, neither sounds good. I don't have to live in a world of being with one and wondering 'what if?' about the other.

If I choose neither could I keep them as friends? Probably not. I know Kevin wouldn't want it that way. Gary thinks I'm playing the field but doesn't know that I've stopped going out with other guys and am in the middle of having my heart torn in two. It would be selfish of me to want it that way. But it hasn't stopped me from asking Kevin.

It sounds like I'm keeping him on the back burner doesn't it? If I am, I'm not aware of it. My motives are just that, to keep his friendship. He doesn't want that, and I understand. It's quite a slap in the face to like someone, make your feelings known to them and then have them say 'I like this other person better, let's just be friends.'

And then there is the fear that things might not work out between me and Gary. I don't want Kevin thinking that me saying 'hi' to him online some night means I want to hook up.

I'm not looking forward to this weekend, can't we just skip it and go straight to Monday?

For the last two nights I've been getting to bed no later than 10.30p. Figured I'd toss and turn and lay there for hours but nope. I'd squirm around for a few minutes to get comfy and then I'd be out like a light. It's been easier to get out of bed in the morning and I've been feeling better in general.

Jeff's art opening is Saturday. I did the title cards for his art yesterday. He had planned on printing them out on some nice looking marble paper. It would have looked nice but he wanted to burn the edges of the cards. He told me awhile back that he would be burning the edges so I figured he'd have some brownish paper. When he showed me the marbled stuff he asked what I thought about it and would a burned edge look ok.

I think a burned edge on that paper would have looked like shit. It wouldn't have meshed with the rest of this show. And come on, burned marble??? Of course I didn't tell him that to his face. So I told him that I thought he'd be going with a brown paper, something that would look like it had been exposed to heat and singed around the edges. Thankfully he liked my idea and yesterday brought me some dark brown paper. The cards printed out nice and I'm sure when they are burned they will look a lot better.

I went to the auto parts store to get new wiper blades. The subway is next door so I stopped in to get dinner. I asked for pickles. He puts on two little ones. 'Extra pickles, please' and he puts on two more. "um, more pickles, please" He shakes his head and says "Jesus!" I was half tempted to say, "yes, this is Jesus's sandwich and he likes his pickles." But I didn't. I was starving and needed whatever energy to get home, he wasn't worth wasting what little I had left.

Stormed loud Monday morning, the weather said an up to 700 lightning strokes per 10 minutes.. Stormed even louder this morning. Started around 3am. Got up, turned off the computer and when back to bed. The lightning was like flash bulbs during an olympic awards ceremony, thunder a continous roar. One rumble of thunder overlapping the next. A few hit either in or near my complex. At 3.30 or so the power went out. I was afraid I'd oversleep so I just cat napped until 7a when I got up and took a candle lit shower. I figure the power was restored around 9.30 this morning.

Weird. This morning there was a flash of light and a crack of thunder at the exact same time just feet outside my window. I never flinched. But close a door and I jump out of my skin.

Corvettes are kinda like chips, you don't see just one.

Coming home from dance this afternoon and was driving up May Street instead of taking I44 home. I saw a dark green one, a dark red one, and a yellow one. Then on Memorial I saw a black one.

Just came back from eating dinner at the IHoP and saw a grey one in the left hand turn lane.

Just got back from the gym. There was a woman there who was carrying around a spray bottle and rag. At first I thought she was an employee cleaning the equipment since I was there just before close. Then I noticed that she wasn't wearing the employee shirt and would work out on the machine after she cleaned it off. But she wouldn't re-clean it after she was done. And she only cleaned the seat, not the handles. Which, if I was germ-phobic, the handles would be the first thing I would clean.

Well, I put in a script that allows comments. Special thanks to http://netcomments.co.uk.

Don't just sit there, go see if it works!!! Let me know what you think.

In email I complimented Gary on his, um, endowment that I had the privilege of gathering tactile reconnaissance on. That night I made a noise of approval when I touched him to which he apologically responded, 'it's not all the way there.' And my next thought was, 'just exactly how much further can it go?', it seemed more than substansial through his jeans.

So in my email I said that I was half tempted to defrock him and see exactly what he had to offer. To which he responded:

"when it's all the way there - it doesn't lay over at all. Steel pipe, just like a 16 year old (only add 16 years experience)"

Of course I read this early in the day and the mental image it conjured up provided many hours of distraction since then and many more to cum I'm sure.

This will be interesting if I'm ever with him sexually. He was with his ex for 14 years before breaking up 2 years ago. Although I've never asked him about his relationships in those last two years (other than the attempted one night stand where he couldn't get it up), I'm guessing there weren't any based on conversations. At least nothing romantic, sexually I don't know. But I have the strong impression that she was his one and only. Never in a million years will I ever ask a guy (again anyway) how many women he's been with, so I'm guessing here.

Well, I'm off to fantasize about .... steel pipes....

Yep, Kevin went on vacation and didn't tell me. Well, not really a vacation, just a leave to take care of stuff.

Over the weekend I bought some used cds. One of them was Suzanne Vega's 99.9F. That's a good cd. My favorites are "Blood Makes Noise," "99.9F" (the whole reason I bought the cd to begin with) "If You Were In My Movie" and "Fat Man & Dancing Girl"

Also bought the Godsmack cd with "VooDoo" on it, Suzanne Vega's Solitude Standing and the Last of the Mohicans Soundtrack. Almost bought a Rob Zombie cd at the same time I was bought a Vega cd. But considering I was dressed in a sorta bellydance costume since I had just got out of dance class, but figured the combonation of the dress and music choice would make the clerks head explode. Plus the used cd store only had new copies of the Zombie cd I wanted and there was only one song I was buying it for I decided to wait until I heard the whole cd.

Well. I guess Kevin is history. Or he went on vacation and didn't tell me.

I have a headache and I never got around to getting milk. Did, however, do a load of laundry so the evening wasn't a complete waste.

If they could develop a chicken that lays already cooked eggs, I would be a happy camper.

After work Friday I had a date with Gary. Since I was going to the resturant straight after work I wore a white tee shirt and my 501 (which I consider perfect casual date attire). Well, Carl came into the office and asked if any help could be spared for shipping since they are behind again. The other two were on deadline and he never mentioned me. Normally I volunteer for that but I get grungy working in shipping so I didn't say anything either. After Carl left Grant said I could go back there if I wanted.

"No, I'm wearing white and I have a date right after work."

"Well tell Kevin you'll ride around in his vette a bit later so you can clean up."

"Kevin is the lawyer, Alan drives the vette and Gary is my date tonight."

He never mentioned anything more about it.

Dinner with Kevin went well. He ended up staying over. Nothing happened, we just cuddled... for real, I promise...don't look at me like that.

Dinner at Appleby's went well with Gary. It's getting easier and easier to get him and keep him talking. We talked Thursday night on the phone to arrange a time and he was very talkative. He told me then that Morgan, his 14 yr old daughter, is moving back here Sunday which is today. Her mom moved them to California back in April when Gary was on vacation for his birthday. He never got to tell her goodbye. Anyway, she's miserable and is coming home. I knew she would be back but figured it would be later in the month, closer to when school starts, or right after school starts.

So he's stressed out about that. He hasn't really talked to her much in the 2 1/2 yrs since she and her mom moved out. He's not quite sure of how things will adjust and work out.

After dinner we checked out movies at 3 different places but either the start times were after 9.30 or sold out. So I suggested renting something and watching it at my place since he lives on the Southside. He watches a lot of movies so it was hard to find something we both haven't seen. Finally I said, "Wanna see Snatch?"

"Sure. Could you repeat that in a recorder later. It isn't often I'm asked that."

Gary isn't really a touchy feely person but when I walked him out he shyly touched me and then didn't want to move his hands. He wasn't pawing at me, just putting his hands at my waist or hips and keeping them there. He was so sweet and shy when he leaned toward me for a kiss it just melted my heart.

Alan traded his '99 red corvette he bought this past New Year's Eve for a '02 blue corvette. He wanted red but all they had was blue. Pretty blue too, he posted a pic of it on his website. I didn't know they made blue corvettes. I've seen red, black, yellow, grey and white. But never blue. Those yellow and white ones are sweet.

Ok, if you are going to post a singles ad online with a picture, please keep these few things in mind. I have seen all of these in case you think I made these up.

1. Don't post a picture of yourself with your face buried in the very ample bosom(s) of some chick(s).

2. Don't post a picture of yourself in a tux cheek to cheek with someone who looks like a bride or prom date. Even if it is your sister, crop her out.

3. If you want to show your bare chest, that's fine, don't do it surrounded by a whole bunch of prom dresses in what looks like a dressing room.

4. If you want to show off your uniform, please make sure there isn't a Raggedy Ann doll sitting on the little table next to you. This brings to mind some sort of sick shit you play with your daughter.

5. Group shots are discouraged unless you look drastically different from the others. Being a 5'10" blond in a group of 5'10" blonds doesn't help.

I can't speak for all women but these are some things I enjoy seeing:

Men pictured with their pets, musical instrument or other hobby of choice or on a motorcycle (not by it, on it). Casual clothing is good, nothing ripped, torn, dirty or obscene. Bonus points for nice jeans and a white or black plain tee or denim shirt . A nicely lit photo is best, preferably outdoors and bonus if it is in some foreign land. Double bonus if it is a country I haven't been to. Triple bonus if it is somewhere in Ireland. Automatic marriage proposal if it is County Donegal.

And always make sure it's in focus.

That concludes today's lesson on online dating.

Went to bed with a rip roaring headache dulled only by tylonol pm. Woke up with the same headache. Would have stayed home but I had one more pack to finish up on so I went in took care of that, left a note saying I was going home and left at 11a.

Kevin will be over in about an hr for dinner. He wanted to do something today and sorta hinted around that it would be cool if I made us dinner. I thought so too since I haven't had anyone to cook for and would like to do that. When I came home he had IM'd me asking if I wanted to move our dinner to another day. Said I'd take a nap and meds, we'll see how I feel around 3p.

Did feel better but drained. Went to the store, picked up a few things and came home and did a half hearted job at straightening up. Already made the pasta salad and the green salad is in a bag so nothing doing there. In a little bit I'll start the barbeque glazed chicken. That should make for a good meal. Don't know if he'll be bringing wine or not. Hope not, I don't need wine right now. Also bought a loaf of French bread in celebration of Lughnasah. He doesn't know it's a holiday, maybe I'll tell him, maybe not. I know he won't be offended.

Saw a bumpersticker that said, "Jesus is coming!"

Nice to know someone will be tonight, I thought. And the bible says masterbation is a sin.

'Love yourself,' isn't that a commandment. 'Love thy neighbor as thyself.' Wow, bible condoned mutual masterbation.

~*~

I was at work Friday when my spacebar suddenly broke. It wasn't completly broke, just the left side, which if I was just typing, wouldn't have bothered me. But since I use the left end of the spacebar to pan, zoom in, zoom out, deselect, add to selection, etc in Photoshop and Illustrator, I needed a new keyboard. So I immeadiatly send off an icq to techrequestinganewkeyboardsincetheoneIwasusinghadabrokespacebar.

~*~

Bought the latest issue of Sage Woman, the whole issue is about sexuality.

I was supposed to get my period Monday. Did I? No of course not. That would make life too simple and compartmentalized. So as not to ruin my undies I've been carring around pantyliners and a tampon with me everywhere. Last night I have only one liner left. Do you know what this means? I'll probably start today. Did I? Yes of course.

Add pepsi, milk and some sort of raw meat to that grocery list as well.

President Pussy bent over to have someone eyeball his ass while Dick was poking around in the oval office.

I'm sure there's fodder in there somewhere for a joke or two.

sausage biscuit for breakfast
strawberries and cream for lunch
Italian breaded chicken & sushi for supper
caramallo for dessert.

I'm off to the pool to read East of Eden and/or write deep meaningful thoughts in my journal.

I called Cox to have my cable guide subscribtion canceled. I was on hold for at least 15 minutes when the guy finally answered the whole process took 2 minutes or maybe less. What I got a kick out of was when I told him I wanted to cancel it, he said I needed to give him permission to take that off my account. "uh, sure."

Ok, if I want something removed and call to have it removed, doesn't the fact that I'm calling give you permission to remove it?

What if I said no? Then what? They'll keep billing me until I give them my permission to stop billing me. I never gave them permission to start billing me to begin with. I gave them permission to come into my house and tinker around until I got 68 channels that I hardly watch, but, billing? No, don't remember agreeing to that.

My hand is getting better. The weather is getting hotter. And what I sat down to tell you has completely escaped. I'm off to the pool to read.

East of Eden incase you're interested and I knew you secretly were.

Between hand surgery and looking around for a new car, I've found out who my true friends are and I don't have as many I as thought I did.

My Stitches Itch!!!!!!!

Went to dance today and we added a bit to our routine.

After class we went to eat at this place called California Cafe on 23rd across the street from Shephard Mall. Me and Beth ordered salt and peppered quail. I at at least 3 quail. They were little and split down the middle. Took me about 2 halves before I figured out how to eat them efficently. Yummy! Yummy

Delphi ordered half a roasted duck and Sue some sort of roll and dumplings. We all ate on each other's dish. All in all, we did about $40 damage to some seriously good food.

Has one of the biggest menus I've seen for an Asian resturant. The only problem was the waitress would stand right next to me and lean across my plate with her arm in my face when she refilled everyone's water/tea. Finally I snapped my jaws at her elbow and I think she got the hint and didn't do that again. If she had, I would have used her white long sleeve to wipe my mouth on.

My jaw is still a wee bit tender from the surgery.

Sunday Tommy called me up to invite me to lunch with him, Andy and Grant. I said sure since I was looking for a reason not to do laundry. After lunch I went home to get K-PAX and they went to rent a movie and we all ended up at Andy's. We watched K-PAX first. Tom came home after volleyball and hockey games, took a shower and joined watched too. Tommy had a game at 9 so he left during Bandits.

After the movie Tom channel surfed for a while then Jen and Andy went to bed. Me and Tom sat on the floor watching the end of Quills before I said I needed to leave. After about half an hour of kissing Tom in the foyer I did finally leave.

Wednesday I learned that Tommy had been hurt in his hockey game and had a splint on his leg. He's also loosing his job at Hertz on Tuesday due to cutbacks. "I've known about it for a while now, sorry I didn't tell you." he said when I expressed concern and sympathies for him. Apparently he has quite a sizable sum saved up and he's taking a month, maybe two off and bum around before looking for another job.

Either my dentist/oral surgon is a pain management genius or I'm tougher than I thought.

The last time I had this done, with a different doctor, I was in terrible pain and needed the lortab he perscribed. This time my new doctor didn't think I'd need anything stronger than over the counter pain relievers but gave me a prescription for lortab anyway. Never got it filled. The pain is minimal. My jaw hurts the most where I got the shots at. When I brushed my teeth there was no bleeding. It wasn't as sensitive when I tried to eat.

There was no drooling sensation when I was numb.

I'm having oral surgery tomorrow. 8am.

On the plus side, since I'm going to be home and in pain all day and not wanting to look at a messy house, I got a bit of cleaning done. Cleaned the kitchen, did a load of laundry, straightned a bit and vacuumed. After coming back with the laundry I spotted my grocery list on the table and realized I had forgot to grocery shop. I do need soup if nothing else.

I have no one to take care of me tomorrow. I've mixed feelings about that. Part of me says fine, I was raised to be tough and independent. Part of me says, give me a warm body, a heartbeat and a pair of arms to wrap around me to keep me safe and warm and make the pain at least a bit more bearable.

I've asked Ray a few times if he'd mind stopping in and while he says 'sure' I'm not counting on him. I've learned that lesson the long and hard way. I'm stocked up on ice cream and have a pharmacy right close to the dentists office that takes my insurance so I'll be able to get my perscripions filled quickly. I'm going to ask that they be phoned in when I get there that way I don't have to wait when I pick them up.

So I'm off to the grocery store and get soup, bread, sugar and milk.

I called Tommy this evening to apologize to him. I didn't mean to freak him out. He in turned apologized for being freaked out.

Never in my life would I ever imagine myself apologizing for kissing a guy. The reaction I got was exactly like that scene in Back to the Future when Michael J. Fox got kissed by his mom.

"I'm scaring you aren't I?" I asked after the kiss
"Yeah, you are, actually. I just don't have much experience with this." he said.

I kissed him again. Then worried that I freaked him out. It wouldn't surprise me if he's a 27 yr old virgin.

So, the House of Three Men is currently reigned over by Jen, keeper of Andy who is the owner of the House of Three Men. That leaves me with the 2 Toms. I like them both equally but Tommy's innocence isn't in his favor. I don't mind 'training' him, but neither do I want the job of breaking his heart either. Some other woman can fuck him over and then he can come to me. I prefer my men broken in.

Tom and Tommy are friends, teammates in hockey. I don't want to mess up their friendship. I'd rather see Tom in the hall and think of his lips on my neck than lie in his arms and think of the friendship I destroyed.

I was at the grocery store the other day looking at sweet potatoes and guess what was right next to it? Twice washed, Idaho flavored shrink wrapped baking potatoes. Poke a few holes through the potatoe, pop in the microwave for a few minutes and there's your baked potatoe.

That's just wrong

I accused him of thinking to much.

"Sometimes I wasn't thinking, sometimes I was just looking at you."

I'll never forget that.

Part of an email from my brother this morning:

I did have to deliver to a retirement home today. The receptionist asked who the delivery was for in front of a bunch of the old people. When I told her who the package was for, a lot of the old people just turned and stared at me. Turned out, the person the package was going to had died that morning.

~*~

Today I went looking at cars. Stopped in at the Toyota dealership since I knew where that was and couldn't remember where the Nissan place was off the top of my head. The guy was a weasle. I didn't like him right off. He seemed to loose interest in answering my questions or showing me cars when he asked when I was buying and I said 'not today.'

Weasle:What are you intersted in today?
Me: The Camry
Weasle: We sell alot of those.
Me: Yeah, I hear its the most stolen car in the US.
He pretended not to hear me.

Before I even looked or asked or anything I sat down and made a list of must have things I want in my car. Then I bought a magazine that lists all the new cars and the standard and optional features as well as a price breakdown on everything.

What I want sets it at a $19,000 minimum. I want V6 with overdrive, cloth seats, 4 door. My list is open to negotations but that means I'd be settleing and it better be for a damn good price or I'm not interested.

~*~
Went to eat with Beth and Sue at a Vietnamese place last night. Met alot of thier friends that they talk pretty much nonstop about. But then they talk pretty much nonstop anyway.

And I met Alain. Pretty in a Johnny Depp sort of way, and way prettier than I had imagined. I bet him and Shannon made an adorable couple. They would have had pretty babies. He's one of those that are so good looking you couldn't look at him. Nice hands and definatly gave Firestone James a run for his money. Grant said he'd either get me Firestone James for my birthday or an airbake cookie sheet so I'd stop bringing in burnt cookies. How about if I just stopped bringing in cookies altogether, how 'bout that?

Carl showed up at Grant's party. I was surprised. He looked tired and sad. He had just came from work and it was around midnight when he showed up. Said after getting casino night done he wrote some emails and then left. The way he said 'wrote some emails' was a bit louder than he normally talks and very pointed. Sure enough when I got home I checked and he had replied. I think he's on to me, but he keeps responding. He dropped hints about what is going on at work, I think he's planting them so see if I say anything and track the 'rumor' back to me.

Fat chance hot lips.

Well, we worked for an hour on our Desert Rose routine. A few things got changed I spent most of the time confused and somehow 10 seconds got choreographed without verbal direction and I was the only one who had no idea what the hell was happening because we've been dancing with our back ot the mirror for the last two weeks (not my idea).

My parents came to see me Sat. Mom made me promise I'd go to the dealership today and look at cars but that never happened. I did, however, do internet research for an hour and a half and bought 3 car buying magazines which I've been reading over and taking notes on since I came home from class. So that counts right?

I'm just not ready to face a salesguy who tries to tell me what I do and do not want in a car. I already know what I do and do not want in a car and already I'm looking at a $19-23,000 car. Mom said if I can't get a car loan or get enough, then she'll lend me some. And intrest free too, can't beat that.

My Egyptian percussion cd came in Friday. The mail still hadn't been distributed by lunch so after lunch I checked and there it was, at the bottom of the tray, a cardboard envelope with the big huge Barnes & Noble logo all over it. That cd has been pretty much in non stop repeat since I got it. I took it to dance today but Delphi wasn't feeling well so she watched us like hawks as we did moves to slow songs and corrected our forms. Apparently not only do I have a stupid shoulder but something called broken ankles as well. It's where I roll my foot and it looks like I'm dancing on my ankles instead of my feet. I watched myself in the mirror but I couldn't see it so I just stepped differently until Delphi said, 'that's better' and tried to remember what I did and keep doing it.

Then I asked if we were going to work on the choreography she said she hadn't planned on it. I figured we would be doing it since we only have about 10 hrs to work on it if we only work in class and don't schedual extra days or hours after class. But she changed her mind. So far there is only the 4 of us dancing and we have about 45-60 seconds done. We haven't had the other dancers in class for 2 weeks now.

No wonder last night's moon looked beautiful: http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2002/26feb_bigmoonshine.htm?list146648

The Moon this evening was hung low and pregnant. It was obvious She had wisdom and knowledge but it wasn't easily revealed just by asking nice.