Gary.

Kevin.

Two very wonderful men with lots of positive points. With each of them things have come to a point were it's either get serious or be just friends. I know how Kevin feels. I'm not sure about Gary as he is a lot more reserved. I'm leaning toward Gary because we seem to be in the same chapter a few pages apart. With Kevin, he's a whole chapter ahead and sometimes after being around him, I emotionally have to catch my breath because I feel like I could barely keep up.

I told Kevin last night that I'm torn between him and another guy. He wanted to come over tonight and I agreed. I don't think it will be pretty. Gary is to call me this evening to plan for Saturday since we're going to the art opening together. I don't know if I should ask him tonight or tomorrow where I stand with him.

I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice. No matter the choice, two people will hurt, me and whoever I relunctly let go of. I never meant for any of this to happen. I was just dating guys. A few times out and then conversation would taper off. No hurt feelings, nothing personal, we had fun but it didn't work out. Good luck. That's what I figured with these guys. I had no idea they would affect me as deeply as they have.

And that's what my icky grim task is for this weekend. To make one of three decisions. Kevin, Gary or neither. Right now, neither sounds good. I don't have to live in a world of being with one and wondering 'what if?' about the other.

If I choose neither could I keep them as friends? Probably not. I know Kevin wouldn't want it that way. Gary thinks I'm playing the field but doesn't know that I've stopped going out with other guys and am in the middle of having my heart torn in two. It would be selfish of me to want it that way. But it hasn't stopped me from asking Kevin.

It sounds like I'm keeping him on the back burner doesn't it? If I am, I'm not aware of it. My motives are just that, to keep his friendship. He doesn't want that, and I understand. It's quite a slap in the face to like someone, make your feelings known to them and then have them say 'I like this other person better, let's just be friends.'

And then there is the fear that things might not work out between me and Gary. I don't want Kevin thinking that me saying 'hi' to him online some night means I want to hook up.

I'm not looking forward to this weekend, can't we just skip it and go straight to Monday?