why?

Why do I fucking do this to myself? Why do I insist on picking at a wound that has been doing a good job healing on it's own and pretty much done healing? I figured to help the healing I would delete his old emails. There were a few I wanted to keep, like the ones telling me my strengths and postives when I was having a bad day, or a silly email about a topless photo of myself being bad for my image if I ever ran for public office.

But in the course of scanning over these emails, I saw the evolution of our relationship of 9 months condensed into 1.5 hours of reading. I went from being very guarded and reserved to open in telling him the feelings I had for him. Then a few awkward emails about the demise of our romantic relationship. Maybe this can work. My emails seemed to border on the desperate and foolish. It hurt to read through them. I re-lived it and wished I hadn't.

But I felt I needed to delete those emails. The pain of deleting them will never be as bad as the pain of keeping them. Reminding me of what was, making me dream about what could have been, tempting me with the possibility of a reunion.

But I know that would be the biggest mistake. I know he doesn't want me as a girlfriend anymore. I've met Scott and things are going nicely between us. What me and Scott have is at a fragile and precious place right now and nothing will make me put that on the line.

I wish now that I had deleted everything without reading through it. But I doubt I'll ever regret deleting them.