the wall

'The wall' is what I call my depression in therapy. A few months ago, I drew 'the wall' as large, thick and very dominate and I was a little person, arms reached out and one foot off the ground trying to climb it. Today I drew 'the wall' as off in the distance, grass and flowers in the foreground. Blue sky was above it with a few birds drawn in that lazy M shape. She said it was an improvement.

Last week she did an EMDR session with me. It wasn't very long and she said she was impressed with how quickly I progressed. Normally she starts people out in their 'safe place' and they stay there for quite awhile. She started me in my safe place and as soon as I described it too her, it started sliding into a big sink-hole. I go back in 2 weeks and I'll have a full session of about an hour and a quarter.

She asked me today if I'm holding something back. I said I felt like I was, but it's not deliberate. There are times when I want to bring something up, but can't because I have no way of describing the emotion, no words, no metaphors, no physical actions or anything. Like whatever it is, it's what is supporting 'the wall', the mortar of 'the wall.' I want to find a hole in 'the wall' and reach through, grab whatever it is and pull it through. Drag it into the light, stomp on it and maybe that will cause 'the wall' to go away, or at least crumble. She thinks that the EMDR will help bring out whatever it is that I'm holding in and the reason behind it.

She thinks I might be at a point where I can come in every other week, but is a bit hesitant to do that because I keep thinking of cutting, even though I haven't done it for a few weeks. I still think about it and that worries her. It's also a bit fustrating for both of us because the Zoloft has leveled out my emotions. It's good because I can function and have a near normal life, but at the same time in therapy I don't really have any strong emotions or feelings about things that are going on around me.