momma stress

I went home over the weekend. Didn't really want to, but did because mom kept asking me when I was going to be down and that I 'haven't been home since the last weekend in July'

Now I know why I don't go home often.

Me and mom went to the car wash. It was a pretty day and I had two windows down in my car, but it was still a bit too cool to wash using the hose, so we opted for the automatic wash. I put the money in and as I was creeping forward and rolling the windows up at the same time, mom snapped 'you better roll the windows up!' 'That's what I'm doing right now!' I snapped back. 'Now you don't have to be so hateful,' she said. It was a knee jerk reaction, but lately with her the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Her tone of voice was sharp and scolding like I had been caught drawing on the walls. It's like that every time I go home, she finds fault in whatever I do (or don't do) and is critical or scolds me for it. Then when I try to defend myself she accuses me of being hateful or in a nasty mood. This is why I haven't been home, mom. Because I'm tired of your shit.

In therapy Dana said she was crossing my boundries and by not going home, I can keep her at a distance. I don't want to go home for Thanksgiving. But then it wouldn't be fair to Dad or my brother since they aren't involved. Maybe I'll just go down for the day and come back that night. I still have a few weeks to think about it.