I turned off my computer last Sunday and didn't turn it on again until Thursday night. It was nice not having the computer on. I sat outside and read most of the time. I sorta missed it, but not enough to turn it on.

I saw the shrink the 19th and she gave me a script for 100mg of Zoloft. I'm very thankful I have a perscription plan with my insurance, or I'd have to have mom pay for my meds. The increase in doseage has left me with tremors and twitches.


Saw her again Thursday and she wanted to bump me to 150mg. I said no. I still had 21 days left of the 100mg and I wanted to stick with that for at least a full month before going up to anything else. I told her about the twitching and she said it was a sideeffect. I've been having trouble sleeping since going to 100mg and she offered to give me something mild to help me sleep. I hate taking medicine and will choose over the counter before prescription if I have a choice. She said to start taking it in the morning instead of at night which is when I have been taking it and told me it was ok to take tylonol pm.

My back has been hurting something fierce the last month or so. Way beyond the normal stress aches in my lower back. So Thursday night I skipped the Zoloft, downed a little blue pm and slept. It's been months since I've slept that good. I woke up and my back wasn't hurting. Took another pm last night and slept damn good again. My back is a bit stiff since I woke up on my belly and belly sleeping hurts sometimes.

I've got so much I want to do today I don't know where to start or if I'll have enough time for it all. I've already decided to skip the gym today and I'll walk the track this evening and next instead. I need to go to the bank and deposit a check, get some stamps, write out and mail bills, go to the quilt store and get a wheat motif I've been lusting after for a while, and paint pottery.

Last week I did a plate in a camo pattern for my brother. The greens turned out a bit brighter than I planned on even though I mixed the greens to make them darker. I want to do a bowl and mug for him now.

Dad called Thur. I invited him and mom up for July 4th. He has to work. I said, 'well, Mom can come up Friday and stay the night. We can watch fireworks and shop Saturday. Mom called last night with the same suggestion. So she gave me her credit card number and I made reservations for her at the motel across the street.

Reading over this it doesn't sound like anything exciting has been going on. And, truthfully, nothing has. But at the same time, everything is exciting. This wall of depression that has kept me hostage for the last year (and to some extent the last 5 years, maybe a bit longer) is finally crumbling and allowing daylight through. I have engery to do things, desire to do things and the attention span to see them through to the end.

I knew things were getting bad when I would be at the grocery store and start crying because I was overwhelmed with the selection on the shelf. I just want a bottle of ranch salad dressing. But it's not that easy. There wishbone brand, kraft, hidden valley, and the house brand. There's light, fat free, ranch with bacon. Big bottles, little bottles. I just want ranch, I'd think as I blinked away the tears to see the bottles clearly.

Next aisle over, bread. Wheat or white? Thin sliced or sandwhich? Honey oat, poppy seed or wheat berry? More tears. Do I get a can of peas or carrots or the can that has both? And so it goes until I'm exhausted and look at my list and decide to get the rest of the stuff later. I put my hand basket of 10 items or less on the belt and carry it out in two sacks.

That's no way to live and I'm tired of it.